UnNews:Annoying little git sweeps Put Out or Get Out

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13 January 2007

Bradley Google, 11, says he is biding his time until adulthood when he can kill you all slowly and painfully. Isn't he adorable?

Noel's charms inexplicably failed to work either on Bradley or his mother.

TELEVISION CENTRE, White City, Wednesday — An annoying little 11-year-old git from Merseyside has out-thought Noel Edmonds, as if that's much of an achievement, and taken the £250,000 jackpot on this year's Put Out or Get Out, the first time the jackpot has been won on the British version of the show.

Bradley Google, 11, from Rusholme, put numbers wizard Edmonds to shame by correctly shuffling the 22 identical boxes fast enough that Edmonds could not see that he had palmed the pea (or, in formal logic, the proof P(p)).

The youngster says he enjoys Scrabble, quizzes, sports, computers and taking down the names of his underclass school tormentors for detailed psychopathic revenge in later life — and wants to be an accountant, as that's where all the money is, and because they're boring enough no-one will suspect him. He is already attempting to pick up chicks by pointing out nerds' superior earning power in the modern digital age.

Mr Edmonds said: "Bradley never stops smiling. He looks like an angel. We loved him on sight, but when I asked him if he wanted one of my 'Mr Blobby' records as a present he shouted at me to sod off and take my shiny 50p piece and purple lollipop with me. Then I slapped him around the head for being an arrogant little turd. It was very funny."

Bradley's pwnage

Let p be the undecidable sentence. Assume the system's consistency can be proven from within itself. If it is consistent, p is not provable. The disproof can be formalized in the system, therefore "not P(p)" can be proven in the system. But this is equivalent to p itself (and this can be proven in the system), so p can be proven in the system. This contradiction shows the system must be inconsistent. Transformed to the media domain, this shows that Noel Edmonds can talk all the Cosmic Ordering Bollocks he likes, but can provably never transcend being a smarmy beardy neo-Nazi arsehole.

The schoolboy even corrected Edmonds on his famous pronouncements concerning Milton Keynes being the home of suburban tedium and concrete cows, repeating ad nauseam how well loved and tasteful a place to live it was considered by its residents, during a teatime teaser game in the ad break. He then snickered and said Edmonds was right but didn't know the half of it and he'd only contradicted him to watch his face turn purple.

Bradley's mother, Caroline Google, 28 and still pretty fit in a chav sort of way, said: "He did really, really well. Noel was really good with him. It was funny when he beat Noel at the shell game not once, but three times. And picked his pocket on the way out. Slimy BNP wanker."

Put Out or Get Out is seen in about 40 countries around the world, and was created by production company Co-Codamol, which is also responsible for Big Brother and is named after the main pharmaceutical agent needed to deal with its creations.

Sources

• Caroline Vorderman "Das ist Nümmerwang!" ITV, January 8, 2007