UnNews:After 598 years, Catholic Church admits wrongdoings

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4 May 2013

Drake, obviously before being stripped of his flesh.

On 4th May, 1415, two religious reformers were burnt at the stake after after logically stating that "The Holy Bible should be translated into English, because no one can read fucking Latin." The two religious reformers, Sir John Dee and Sir Francis Drake were tortured for 7 days, even on the day of rest, torture so bad that historians couldn't tell weather it was Sir Francis Drake or Joyce Drake. The pair had their flesh stripped from their bodies, bit by bit, and sent to their wives and children, secretly hidden in chocolate brownies and other assorted treats.

The two alleged heretics were then sent out into the street to promote Catholicism while wearing Kippahs, where they were savagely beaten by Christians and Jews. Whatever remained of them was then burnt and buried under a car park in Leicester, along with Stan Collymore and Dick III, who were also assassinated by the Roman Catholic Church.

Finally, after 598 years, Pope Francis has apologised for the killings, but said they were necessary at the time for the Church to survive. "We admit, the killings were mean, but necessary for us to survive in the jungle that is Capitalism," said the Pope from his cotton plantation in Texas.

Porn star Jessica Drake, a descendant of Francis Drake, said: "When I think about the terrible things they did to him, it... it makes me so horny, I feel like doing another BDSM video."

The Pope expresses his deepest condolences to the families with an extra "sorry."