UnNews:A completely apolitical news story about space

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Wednesday, 7 February 2018

Do you see any political sentiment in this image? Of course not.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida - For a few minutes, the world watched as two ventures of Elon Musk, SpaceX and Tesla, came together and one product was launched into the sky by the other product.

When Musk was asked if it was true that he left his wallet, car keys, and girlfriend in the back seat of the car, he angrally answered "If it was good enough for Ted Kennedy, it's should be good enough for you!" It was a test to make space travel sustainable by using the more universally available automobile, but using an electric engine that avoids the obvious problems the combustion engine would encounter in space, i.e., no oxygen. For a few moments no one spoke, then one of the brighter reporters inquired about potential problems of an electric engine in space, i.e. just how long will the power cord from earth have to be. Musk replied "suck air!"

The most likely reason people no longer noticed the launch was that it wasn't in any way political (and there was no nudity or even soft open.) And that doesn't work in this day and age of anti-Trump stance taken bySNL and, the pervasiveness of porn. Really, everyone and their hamster taking their views on world politics to the streetsand watches open. What's political or sexy about a rocket launch? And not even done by a country's space agency or porn industry, but by a private company! That's not news.

Seven ways they could've attracted interest in the launch[edit | edit source]

  1. Attaching a 'He Will Not Divide Us' flag to the rocket.
  2. Falsifying Donald Trump's tweets stating that this makes NASA inadequate.
  3. Speaking of Trump, having him regurgitate parts of his State of the Uniom (not a typo) address at the launch site.
  4. Making a speech about the common problem of sexual harassment in the male-dominated astrophysics industry.
  5. Selling posters reading 'ELON MUSK IS AN IMMIGRANT FROM A S---HOLE COUNTRY'.
  6. Building a wall around the launch site, as opposed to a single fence.
  7. Attaching a thick strand of a sitting (or even standing) President Trump's hair to the Musk rocket while the other still connected to Mr. Trump would have been hypotnic like watching a train wreck. This would have gotten the world's attention such that even the North Koreans would have been jealous and might have been tempted to mimic the American president's feet by doing the same with the North Korean leader's hair.

Had they done just one of these things, as opposed to none, most people are sure that the number of viewers of the livestream would have increased drastically. After all, politics is what matters, not some overgrown boy testing out his love for cars and spaceships.

Sources[edit | edit source]