UnNews:A Town is Found Without a Starbucks
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 August 2008
CAROL, Iowa – Carol, Iowa is a regular town. It has always been regular, just like any other town. Except for that time they refused to celebrate the Fourth of July. Anyhow, the small town would look as though it was any other small town. Unless you are a Starbucks customer.
Carol is the only known town, village, or city in the USA to not have a Starbucks coffee shop. Yes, it is true, there is no Starbucks Drive Thru, no inside-the-local-Wal-Mart Starbucks, and no Backseat-of-My-New-Limo Starbucks. Not one single Starbucks store is located in the town of Carol.
"What is Starbucks anyway?" says a Carol local Jon Schumaker. "If we've never heard of it here in Carol, there's no way we should have one of them here. Speakin' of Iowa, do you want some corn?" said Jon, when asked what the hell a Starbucks is.
The discovery of this fact happened not too long ago, on August 13. An average American couple, Mr. Bill Benson and his wife, Hillary, were traveling cross country and some how ended up in the "cute" little town. Hillary had gone almost three hours without her cappuccino, a record. She demanded a Starbucks. However, despite looking throughout the entire town, no Starbucks was found. Mrs. Benson collapsed.
"It was really quite scary," says Bill Benson, "Over three hours without Starbucks, and my wife will need a hospital. Luckily for us, this town had one, but they didn't have a Starbucks. Considering how some people even have them up their ass, you would think this town would have one. But apparently, no. And because of that, my wife lies in a coma in the hospital."
After recovery, the small town was flooded with reporters – and construction workers. Citizen after citizen was interviewed and asked pointless questions about Starbucks and the death of Heath Ledger. The construction workers built up the Starbucks in two days, and two people were employed. Now, the town of Carol, Iowa has a Starbucks.
And my car will have one soon.