UnNews:2,000 "obese" people to be culled in move to cut benefit costs

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 November 2007

I would give up and wear a tent if I was you love.

2000 BLUBBER-MAMMOTH WASTRELS are to be culled next year and their fat sold to Japan. Such stinking, lazy fat people are costing the taxpayer £44 million a year in incapacity benefits and the move is seen by many to be "long overdue". Currently payments are picked up by almost 2,000 human lard buckets who feel they are too fat to work. Much of the benefits are thought to be wasted on donuts, cake and gravy.

The cull will likely take place in early spring 2008 and will involve the rounding up of around 2000 fat, workshy ingrates into a series of designated slaughter houses where they will be, where possible, humanely slaughtered in much the same way as a pig, cow or jew. Excess fat will then be shipped to Japan raising in excess of $12 million for Treasury coffers.

Peter Hain, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, said the proposed cull was "a valid way of moving much needed revenues away from paying for needless donuts, cake and gravy and toward paying for needless wars in the middle east."

One potential cull-ee Ms Antonia Baconhambeeftonson (pictured) who is 34 stone, reacted defiantly to the moves to cull her and her ilk, "its the only thing I'm good at, eating donuts, cake and gravy. If this government wants to take that away from me they may as well put a bolt gun to my head and slaughter me like the sweaty pig I am."

Ms Baconhambeeftonson went on to complain that her weight was down to "her glands", "big bonedness" and (randomly) "sex addiction."

Sources

• ITS ME GLANDS "I'M JUST BIG BONED" I'M DEPRESSED ABOUT MY HAIRY PALMS, November 19, 2007