UnNews:'Grandpa Munster' Al Lewis undead at 95

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

4 February 2006

Atypical of most vampires, Lewis is able to fly at a top speed of 12 MPH, aided by his black cape (for turning and elevation) and head-mounted wings.

Chaney, reacting to news that his family jewels had been confiscated by authorities.

NEW YORK (UNN) — Al Lewis, washed-up ex-television star of the 1964-66 program "The Munsters" died on Friday, for approximately 3 minutes. He was 95.

Lewis, a frequent diner and the proprietor of the Greenwich Village restaurant, Grandpa's, was attacked by an irrate diner just after nightfall, eyewitnesses said. The attacker was identified by police as Lon Chaney Jr., who was believed to have died in July, 1973.

Chaney attracted immediate attention from other Grandpa's customers by entering the establishment in a black cloak and black gloves, with the cowl obscuring his face completely. After ordering the Veal Marsala with Egg Fettuccini, Chaney lifted his hood and walked to the corner window booth that was Lewis's regular place. Moonlight from the window wrought immediate transformation, morphing Chaney's frail body into the semblance of his alter ego, The Wolf Man.

Lewis was down in seconds, unable to provide any defense to Chaney's deadly claw-claw-bite attack, witnesses said. However, Lewis had risen again before ambulances arrived on the scene, just in time to spoil Chaney's post-fight celebratory scrotum licking.

“

I thought that cheesy Dracula outfit was just camp.

”

— Lon Chaney

At last report, metropolitan police had transferred Chaney to a holding cell at the municipal Animal Care & Control centre. After a mandatory vaccination, deworming, and neuter, he was allowed visitors including representatives of the media, but remains on close suicide watch.

"I've been planning my revenge on that show-boating bastard for 34 years," he said. Chaney, still distraught over the loss of his family jewels, was more despondent when informed that Lewis had sustained no lasting injuries—showing no hint of even a scratch after one day's rest in his coffin. "I thought that cheesy Dracula outfit was just camp. Who knew he was actually a vampire?" he asked.

Chaney, who celebrated his 100th birthday on February 10th, expressed no regrets over his behaviour, except for his entrée selection. "Had I known then what I know now, I would have ordered a stake," he mused.