UnNews:'Gang spotter guide' for parents

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 September 2008

The Government is concerned kids are joining 'weakling gangs' that partake in such activities as bike races on the common.

London, UK -- A new guide released today entitled "Your Children and Gangs" aims to educate parents how to spot the signs that their child is involved in a gang or similar unsavoury activities such as playing football in the street, burning music CDs to their computer and driving pushbikes on the pavement.

With the streets becoming more dangerous due to the emergence of violent gangs as an indirect result of consuming Credit Crunch cereal, advice is provided on how parents can coerce their child to join a gang for their own protection. In order to prevent them from being pasted to a pulp, the guide highlights how parents can identify the strongest gang in the local area for their child to join, and how to avoid the weakest ones.

“ We are becoming increasingly concerned that children are joining really poncey gangs such as the "Frederick Street Flower Pressers" and "Inner City Stamp Collectors". The hope is that, by getting all children to join the same, big gang, we will eliminate rival gangs and thus eradicate sissy, wimpish gangs. Oh, and gang warfare, yeah. ”

— Police spokesman

Among the tips on how to get a child to join a gang are:

"...hit your child with a blunt instrument such as an unsharpened pencil or screwdriver handle. This will give them bruises that elevate your child's street status and increase their chances of joining the strongest gang."

The traditional art of carjacking and burning is dying out in modern, unskilled kid gangs.

"...give your child a nickname such as 'Bruiser', 'Bruce', 'Butch'; if your child is a boy, call them 'Basher' or 'Batterer'. These names are sure to get them noticed on the street, especially if it is tatooed across their forehead."

Concerned parent Hugh Sock spouted, spitting and scratching his bum whilst smoking a fag and sneering:

“ Modern gangs aren't violent any more. What happened to good old beating up old ladies and stealing wallets? Kids today are involved in really wussy stuff like smashing windows and pinching clothes from washing lines. Weaklings! I can take on all of 'em single handed! Johnnie, fetch my crowbar... ”

Children's rights activist and general public pain in the neck Mary Winehouse, voicing her opinion on current events programme "The News at 10" argued the proposals will simply drive children farther away from their parents and create a dangerous "Supergang" that will eventually overturn parent rule.

“ This is bollocks, when they start to turn on us, we will tell them that tea is ready and take them to the dentist instead. ”

— Police spokesman

A spokesman for Child Safety on the Internet simply stated: "Grand Theft Auto did it first."