UnBooks:UnHow UnTo UnMake UnAn UnBook

OK, your basic situation: you're a seemingly hopeless idiot with sub-par writing skills. Correct? You can answer this one of three ways: A) Yes B) Yeah C) Yup. Odds are you picked either A, B, C. I'm psychic; want to try again? Didn't think so. Alright, you're an idiot, but...there's a twist! You are somewhat creative (or delusional) and want to make a book, a great, genius, coldly philosophical book with deeper meanings, a critically praised, but controversial milestone of literature that defines novels for years to come! Yeah, well, first step: Drop that shit. You're not gonna do that. I mean look at you: ya got blood on ya face, big disgrace - and you've been listening to too much Queen. You can certainly write a book though, that you can do. Not to say that it'll be very good, because it assuredly won't. You can write a mediocre book though, joining the ranks of the likes of a four year-old, Rob Liefeld, and the kid with the helmet. We can show you how! Well, not really, but we can put a bunch of useless tips in this book that kind of sound like they could help you.

What Kind Of Book?

Now, after you've dropped acid-tripped assumptions of making something good,you need to figure what shade of brown this piece of crap's gonna be. Here's a few choices, you can pick one of them or none of them, but you can't have more than two unless you know how many corners don't exist on a circle. Give up? The answer was infinity, bitch!.

HowTo

This is the easiest one. Just pick some stupid thing you know how to do and explain it in the most winding and redundant way you can. How do you know it's easy? We're doing it.

Sci-Fi

This one's just as easy. Make up a bunch of retarded bull-crap,a dd in some time travel, hot astronaut sex, and say all this is possible because quote: "It's in the future, bitch!"

Drama

Don't even try this one, it's waaaaay too hard. First, you have to make characters that people can identify with and care for (right, I know, some people actually expect this out of you?) and then make bad shit happen to them.

Romance

Basically, it's just drama only there's more sex and it ends happier.

Fighting

Okay, if you do this one right, you could actually make something moderately okay. Basically, you pick a point in time, make a reason for people to get mad at each other, and then write 100 pages about dudes beating the shit out of each other and add in a punch of gore.

Crime Noir

All you do is have people talk about their uneventful day and how stupid and boring it was, but make it sound gritty and add S's to words for no reason like "yous" or "sos." For example: "It was 2pm, I got up to find I pissed myself again. Now,I'd have to go to the cleaner's. The cleaner's was a real nasty dump, filled with dirty clothes and the authentic smell of old-people shit. Crime ran amuck there and the whole sham was controlled by Damples "The Dong" O'Schlong. Boy, was he a nasty sunuvabich prick. I hated the way he ate his steak: medium, but not rare. And he always thunks himself the fuckiest royal prick o' shit-town. Fuck, I hate him, and fuck I hate the cleaners."

Superhero

Okay, a bunch of people can do cool stuff for no reason,some are good, some are bad, and some dunno. They all have stupid names like "The Flying Fuck," Captain Excellent, UberDude and Chuck Norris. Only the really cool people get hyphens in their name like "Super-Diablo" or "Fear-Master." They all have to be aliens, mutants, robots, magicians, or hot ninjas in bikinis (the last one works exceptionally well, if you wanna just say what-the-hell and make it an erotic novel). They all fight each other and discuss whether or not they should do certain stuff (i.e. Kill dudes or use their x-ray vision for "other purposes").

Writing It

Well, you're almost finished, now you just need to write it. There are steps to doing so:

1. Drink a lot of soda and candy and alcohol and drugs (and yes, we mean DRINK IT). You should have an effective sugar-high now and some thoughts of suicides. These two things are absolutely crucial.
2. Bludgeon yourself with something hard and painful. Do this until you cry, then repeat until you throw up.
3. Do it again.
4. Harder, dammit!
5. Okay, you should see spot, two of everything, and you might think purple bunnies want to kill you: it's true. If you're not delusional yet, repeat steps 2-4 until you are.
6. Turn on your Uncyclopedia and click all the article-making crap.
7. Stare at the screen until you think of something good. This could take days and it might never happen. Make sure to ram your head into the screen excessively, we don't know why, but it helps.
8. Write down your retarded BS.
9. Holy shit! You finished! Now, go blab to your gay friends about how you're mentally competent, but don't let them read your book or they'll have doubts.

Extra Tips

• When in doubt, repeat steps 2-4 twice.

• Stay in school, bitch!

• Ask Jeeves

The End

Well.....yup. That's it.