UnBooks:The Prince and the Pea
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- "Daughter," said the King. "It is time we found you a husband."
- "Daddy, no!" the Princess complained. "I don't want you to just find me a husband. I have dreams."
- "Now, Stephanie," said the Queen. "You know you have responsibilities to cement treaties, reward dragon-slayers, and carry on the royal line. Your dreams will have to wait until after marriage. And menopause, most likely."
- "But that's just it, Mumsie. My dream is to marry for more than just those reasons."
- "What other reasons can there be?" the King asked with a puzzled frown.
- The Princess gave a little sigh, and her eyes glazed over. "Daddy," she said. "My dream is to add heterogenosity to our bloodline."
- Her Royal Parents gasped. "But... but you know you must marry a Prince!"
- "Well, yes," said the Princess. "Obviously."
- The King gave a condescending smile. "Well, dear, then you must know that your dream just isn't possible. All the other princes in Europe are your first cousins."
- "Your father is my first cousin and my uncle," the Queen added helpfully.
- "Yes, I know but..."
- "Then where are you going to find a heterogynous gene pool?" the King demanded. "Unless you plan on marrying some sort of Darkie!"
- They all laughed merrily for ten minutes.
- "Oh, Father," the Princess said, wiping her eyes. "I know I'm being foolish, but I can't bear to see my dream shattered! I can't help but wish... somewhere in the great green world, I had some kind of previously unknown second cousin!"
- The King put his hand on her shoulder. "Princess," he said gravely. "If wishes were horses, poor people would have cavalry. And then where would we be?"
- "Probably marching toward the guillotine, with the angry mob throwing rotten fruit at us!" quipped the Queen.
- They all laughed hysterically.
- Late that night, however, there was a knock on the drawbridge. A manservant blearily peeked through the murder hole to see who it was.
- "Let me in!" called the bedraggled Caucasian stranger. "I'm a Prince!"
- "A Prince?" murmured the manservant in astonishment. He hit his head on the ceiling, got up more carefully, and ran to tell the Royal Family the news.
- "Impossible!" snorted the King.
- "Absurd!" sniffed the Queen.
- "Oh!" said the Princess. "My dream's come true!"
- "My poor, naive little angel," said the Queen. "This stranger's a scoundrel, and I'll prove it."
- They invited the way-farer in, gave him soup, and put him to bed. But before he lay down, the Queen slipped a small uncooked pea beneath the lowest of his 439 mattresses. Chuckling evilly, she bade him good night.
- The next morning, the maid-servants woke the King and Queen, saying there was screaming coming from the guest quarters.
- "I'm bleeding internally!" shrieked the stranger. "Oh, God, it won't stop! I think I'm going to die!"
- "My word, hæmophilia!" said the Queen to the King. "He is a true Prince after all!"
- "Hooray!" said the Princess. "A previously unknown European Prince! My wildest dreams have come true!"
- She kissed the new Prince, pressing her ruby lips into his pale, but manly forehead.
- "Aaagh!" the Prince shouted. "I think you've broken a vein! Someone call a monk!"
- And they all died happily ever after.