Tsolkas
“n00b! Wait, who are we talking about?”
“I hate it when people ask me to follow up on stuff”
Tsolkas(aka non-relativistic object T.S.O.L.K.A.S) is the last name of an extremely successful Greek astro- and nuclear physicist, who, after an impressive career in NASA got bored of success and big money and thus decided to come home, sit by the fire and in his free time prove the Theory of Relativity wrong. He in fact did so, and repeatedly! His famous experiments with the fast car and the wristwatch have set the stage for a brand new branch of physics, called the Grand Unreasonable Theory (GUT). The two basic postulates of the GUT are the following:
- Physics is unreasonable.
- Einstein is always wrong.
The first postulate is somewhat obscure, but this is only due to the genius of the theory's creator. The second postulate just states a well known fact, known to every undergraduate physics student.
People Tsolkas is pissed off at[edit | edit source]
Except from Einstein, Tsolkas is also pissed off at Galileo. You know, that stupid italian guy who tried to scare Jupiter out of the Solar System by staring him down. Apart from those two, Tsolkas is also pissed off at Jupiter, who wasn't daunted by Galileo's mean look. He's also pissed off at Mercury, who was bribed by Einstein to change his orbit for the sole reason of cheating people into believing that General Relativity is valid. Tsolkas has uncovered this conspiracy, but unfortunately he did so at the very same day that Rob Halford announced to the world that he's probably not gay, so nobody cared.
Tsolkas experiments[edit | edit source]
The experiments thought of -but never conducted- by Tsolkas are quite simple. One needs a couple of airplanes, an hourglass and poached peaches to prove that spacetime is also pissed off at Einstein for spreading out all these lies about it. Spacetime itself has been trying to sue Einstein for a number of years now, but nobody has been listening because they have been too busy. Anyway, the experiments would prove a lot of things but the poached peaches have not yet agreed to participate in them. They are actually quite stubborn.
The aforementioned peaches boycott, as well as a tight budget (and an even tighter sphincter), finally forced Tsolkas to give up his former plans of highjacking greek air force airplanes just to prove a point, and stick with ordinary cars (not even race cars. No, really!)... after all, if it's good enough for Zemeckis, it's good enough for Tsolkas! Picking an old, wrecked car from a junkyard, he riced it out, added a radiowave transmitter, a microwave oven, a Heisenberg compensator and a CD player, then set out to measure the poppler shift of radiowaves due to popcorn in the oven, as perceived by an observer on the ground, high on LSD.
The experiment, of course, was a total success, and totally proved that the theory of relativity is total BS. However, Vagelford paid the press and TV networks to hush it up.
Enemies of Tsolkas[edit | edit source]
The only enemy of Tsolkas is an obscure guy called Vagelford. He is perhaps more stubborn than the poached peaches. He keeps insisting that Einstein is not wrong. Tsolkas has explained this behaviour by proving by a not yet conducted experiment that Einstein was Vagelford's great-grandfather.
Tsolkas Religion[edit | edit source]
Tsolkas is worshiped by 45,763% of the earth's population as the One True God, and the head of the Holy Trinity apprised of him, Papaelias and Liakopoulos. While Tsolkas is immortal, Papaelias is a mortal-born person who has managed to prolong his life indefinitely by carrying small anti-matter bombs in his pocket.