ToblerONE/crew diaries

While the events listed on the toblerONE main page provides a general background of the timeline of events on the voyage, it does not provide a suitable level of information regarding what each crew member went through during the ship's mission. As such, we have secretly posted a selection of excerpts from their diaries to give you, the reader, a more complete understanding of the mission on a personal level. And let's hope they never find out.

Dr. Thaddeus Angerphone

November 19, 2005:

The capsule is hot. I don’t know if it’s me or the chickens we brought along. I want some chicken. That would be nice right about now. So speaking of child pornography, I found some of Mr. E. Chowsauce’s stash of naked photos of children a few hours ago. I am sincerely disturbed. Today was a good day. We made progress on the mission. However I have become increasingly obsessed with muffins, due to their scope-related properties. All I can think about are muffins, tasty corn muffins, or blueberry ones, or mmm chocolate chip. Muffins would be nice right about now. If only I could indulge in some baked goods. All we have on board are chickens.

September 3, 1974:

Now that we have suddenly traveled back in time to 1974, my muffin craze is only worsening. The 70’s were a hairy time. Muffins often went unshaven, and in fact that was part of their appeal. My obsession with baked goods has been replaced by a desire for furry pussy. My erect penis throbs with desire to be enveloped by a moist vaginal opening. My head spins with recollections of the sexual encounters I used to enjoy as a youth. I want some chicken. That would be nice right about now. I think it would be a good time to utilize my doctorate in vaginal studies.

Gaypril 9, 1931:

Dear Diary,

Take that bitch! Uhhhh... fuck yeah. Skeet skeet skeet...!

Oxtoby Freeman Block

November 18, 2005:

We recognize that some instructors may prefer a different order of presentation from that just described. We have therefore made the book flexible enough to accommodate many alternative ways of organization. For example, the material on atomic structure and chemical bonding in Chapters 17 through 19 could be introduced after Chapter 3 or after Chapter 10. Chapters 15 and 19-21 could be postponed until later in the course or omitted if time constraints are severe. Some instructors choose to split the coverage of thermodynamics into two parts.

November 19, 2005:

The site at which oxidation occurs in an electrochemical cell is called the anode. The site at which reduction occurs is called the cathode.

Megajuly 39, 1927:

Cocaine!

Mr. E. Chowsauce

November 20, 2005:

I which the dte on the day of the summers compares? Well by the Thou and the art most moderate by: The hard favourite of sacud the wind buds of May and the rent hath the summer the date already too briefly: One day is called too much sharp gloss the eye of the sky, and frequently it is coincidental its developed colored gold darkness and each market per day of the honest reductions, or, not to modify a course of the cut of nature: But thy made summer, which, of the possession this ow the Thou honestly, is eternal to slow to disappear neither, over to destroy, still Thoutod idiom with its nuance with praise, to this time in eternal lines Alzeit, which can breathe the As, which is developed by Thou, but with people, or which can see eyes, because, which there is long life it and for the this life span of this, Altee.

May 1, 1958:

The whisky on your breath could educate a small boy thoughtless; But I stopped in the function such as death: Such more valser was not simple. We educated the devil, until the tubs of the rack of the kitchen slid; The pit of my nut/mother could not unfrown. The hand, which stopped my wrist, was struck on unevenness it with the fist; With each stage that you missed my right ear éraflé a loop. They struck time on my heading with a palm, which strongly by Dirtiness, then valsée I was hardened excluded function with the bed, which always adheres to your shirt.

Long March 32, 1934:

May you live in interesting times! Biatch.

Arturo Frondizi

November 20, 2005:

After spending the last few days thinking heavily about my philosophical conundrum, I have finally been able to decide that it is obvious that donkeys are in fact better than green, on the most fundamental of levels. That is to say, donkeys (Equus asinus) are inherently better than green (the color, of wavelength 520-570 nm). If one examines the evidence carefully, it becomes clear that donkeys are creatures of great, in fact infinite, intrinsic value. Simply put, the argument goes as follows.

Let a being be called maximally excellent in a possible world if it is the best being in that possible world. Let a being be called maximally great if it is maximally excellent in all possible worlds. It seems hard to deny that it is at least true that there exists a being of maximal greatness in some possible world. But if a necessary proposition is possibly true, then it is necessarily true, by simple modal logic. Thus, a maximally great being exists, simpliciter. Further, it seems hard to deny that in some possible world, the maximally excellent being would be the species-being of equus asinus, the essence of donkey. But the maximally great being is, by definition, that being which is maximally excellent in all possible worlds. Thus, the maximally great being is the donkey.

May 1, 1958:

I win! Or wait, damn, I lose. Son of a bitch!

Megajuly 39, 1927:

What a fool I was earlier on this voyage! The trip backwards through time has made it obvious to me that green is much better than donkeys! What I could not see earlier is the fact that green is not merely an important instrumental good, but one whose existence is a precondition for thought. For example, green is the color of chlorophyll, the complex chemical involved in photosynthesis. As our ship's chemist³ Oxtoby Freeman Block has shown me in our conversation earlier, the oxygen us humans need to survive is created through this process. Without green, we'd all be dead... and so the supposition of the nonexistence of humanity, and correspondingly the ability of human thought to think itself - that is, the veiling of the clearing humanity provides for the self-awareness and so self-becoming of Dasein - is self-contradictory. Green thus follows from a valid transcendental epistemelogical argument, and trumps mere moral virtue such as is found in the donkey.

And besides, as Kant proved, existence is not a predicate. Fuck donkeys!

Stuart Goddard

November 19, 2005:

Like most members of the order Hymenoptera, ants have a "wasp waist," that is, the front part of the abdomen forms a narrow stalk, called the waist, or pedicel, that attaches to the thorax. The wings, when present, are also typical of the order; the small hind pair of wings is attached to the rear edge of the front pair. The head has two bent antennae, used both as organs of touch and as chemosensory organs. In most species there are two compound eyes. The jaws are of the biting type and in some species are used for defense. Some ants have stings, and some can spray poison from the end of the abdomen. Most ants are black, brown, red, or yellow. Metamorphosis is complete. A soft, legless, white larva hatches from the egg; in most species it is completely helpless and must be fed and carried by adults. In some species pupation occurs within a cocoon.

May 1, 1958:

Dearest Diary,

There is something that has been on my mind for a very long period of time that I wanted to finally get out into the open, that I wanted to finally express in words. Now that I have had the time to get my thoughts together here on this spacecraft, I finally believe that I am ready to do this. I believe that I can physically prove that the English words "besieger" and "seizure" are equivalent in all possible ways.

Now, I know what you're thinking…you're thinking "Stuart, Stuart, Stuart…this is worse than that time you went to that pub in London and threatened everyone with your gun," but it's most certainly not, so hear me out. For serious.

Imagine this horrifying scenario…you're sitting alone in your house watching television, when all of a sudden, the entire fucking British Army has surrounded the building, claiming that you threatened everyone in some pub with some sort of firearm…for serious…now, these "besiegers" keep claiming that they're going to arrest you…so then I start to panic, and yell back at them, but I realize that I'm digging myself in a deeper hole by threatening them with my trusty gun…I mean, this is all hypothetical, so you keep threatening them with my trusty gun…er, your trusty gun. Anyway, all of a sudden, I hit the floor and start having this fucking "seizure" and now, that's never happened before, so clearly the two things are related. For serious. Q.E.D.

Long March 32, 1934:

Qua qua da diddly qua qua!

Anton Pannekoek

November 18, 2005:

The omens for this trip are excellent. Tonight will be a solar eclipse on the summer solstice. When the Bear lost its color as the crimson flag dropped from the Kremlin, it was Midwinter and the moon was in shadow. Today, we will begin the reverse historical movement. Communism shall return... summoned from the depths of space! The other crew must not find out my plans, or they will do anything they can to stop me. But I will prevail, by any means necessary.

September 3, 1974:

Disaster! As I was about to complete the extraction of the organic composition of astro-capital, the stars shifted utterly! I must begin anew, but the biopolitical field must be recalculated.

Communication is no longer the hegemonic sector of production, but we are instead in the era of late-Fordism. The dematerialization of labor is in its initial stages, and the cooperation immanent to productive activity is sited in a terrain of differentiated extraction. Binary, striation, semi-homogenized exclusion; (p)re-dissolution of the nation-state. The commodification of the affective sphere is yet subsumed under the semiology of the normalization of reproduction. Deterritorialization! Empire? The disciplinary regime of non-work is governed by the medical and carceral archipelagos rather than the industrialized hyper-simulation of the Real. Imperialism is supranationalized into center and periphery and the proletariat is multitudinous and multiple but not multitude. Now, to the dialecticator!

Long March 32, 1934:

Fuckin' Mao.

Dr. Gene Ray

November 20, 2005 (1 of 4):

Not even a god can deny that I have squared the circle
of a static Earth and cubed the Earth sphere by rotating

it once to a dynamic Time or Life Cube. Only a false god
or academically brainwashed indoctrinated mindless moron
would deny that the Earth lacks the top and bottom, the front

and back, and 2-sides physical dimensions of a Cube that
spirals a 4-season quad helix around the Sun - creating
a swirling of 4 simultaneous years as in a separately
created year for each of 4 seasons.

November 20, 2005 (2 of 4):

The cube has a top and bottom. You wouldn't call those sides, because you can't lean on the ceiling!

November 20, 2005 (3 of 4):

I have done it! Add up the 2 sex poles, the 4 sides of the cube,
and the 4 corners. Then, divide the result by the 4 simultaneous
days that exist within every day.
The result clearly shows that π = 3.20!
Four times the integral from negative of d7 is crying.
This is obviously because he was educated stupid!

Four times the integral from negative of d7

November 18, 2005:

I know I should be overflowing with excitement now that the space craft has taken off, but instead, I find myself overcome with sadness. Of course, how could I expect it to be any other way. ...I thought about Emily again last night. As I was trying to fall asleep, all I could think about was that moonlit night in July three years ago that we spent in the pasture. I still can't get the image of the way the light shone through her golden blonde hair out of my mind, that sparkle in her eyes as she smiled after we made love, that moment that I wish never had to end. But alas, it's been three years, and ${\partial ^{2}u \over \partial x^{2}}+{\partial ^{2}u \over \partial y^{2}}+{\partial ^{2}u \over \partial z^{2}}={1 \over v^{2}}{\partial ^{2}u \over \partial t^{2}}$

But I guess we were just never meant to be. I suppose I should try to get some sleep right now, but it's just really difficult with this weighing on my mind. At least there should be some excitement awaiting me on this voyage.

Gaypril 9, 1931:

I'm stuck in a box! So much has happened in the past, what has it been now? It feels like it's been seven days, but the clock says negative 74 years. By that logic, Emily, whom I've been pining for so desperately for the entire voyage, hasn't even been born yet. Oh cruel world! Why must you continue to mock me!?! ${\frac {1}{n}}{\sum _{j=0}^{n-1}f_{j}e^{2\pi ijk/n}!!!}$

The rest of the crew does not seem to be going through the same sort of mental anguish I have been going through. Maybe that's why they locked me in this closet. Or maybe it's because they're all assholes. I keep telling myself it's the latter, but I know that I'm the one that is bringing everyone down. I found a razor blade on the floor here. Perhaps I'm not really needed on this trip. I mean, I'm already locked in the fucking closet anyway. I feel like a duck in a blanket.

Megajuly 39, 1927:

I have made a terrible mistake. Must hospital.