The Ministry for Misfactual Unformation
“In vertias, vomitus.”
Everything you know is wrong The vast majortity of things you know are slightly incorrect.
What You Shouldn't Know[edit | edit source]
The Ministry for Misfactual Unformation was founded in the year 1602, an otherwise quiet and inconspicuous time. Aside, of course, from the declarations of war flying across Europe from irritating, whippersnapper-ish countries like Spain, France, and the perpetually millitant Santaland. As everyone who has ever studied actual history knows, it's an utterly incomprehensible load of unmitigated crap. For this reason, a special conference was convened and it was decided that, rather than bother sorting out who actually did what, a common agency would just make shit up. With this in mind, the most ingenious cover-up in history ("history" here is used here for pure effect- Ed.) was engineered...
Structure and Departments[edit | edit source]
The Ministry is subdivided into multiple departments, not to make their services more accessable, but to render their complex filing system nearly impentrable to outsiders.
I. Offices of the Secretary General
i. The Actual Office of the Secretary General
ii. The Office of the Secretary General's Secretary
II. Department of Historical Mistruths
i. War History Bureau
- European division
- American division
- Asiatic division
- Extrerrestrial Affairs division
ii. Bureau of Peacetime Falsehoods
- Economic council
- Legislation With Complex Names division
- Art and Society advisory
iii. Invented Nouns Bureau
- People sub-section
- Places sub-section
- Things sub-section
- Complex Accents in Names corollary advisory
III. Councils for Obsfucation and Confusion
i. Misquote authority
- General quotes
- Oscar Wilde department
ii. Department of Long and Confusing Words
- Brobdingnagean words office
- Anti-amelioration authority
- Scientific Techno-babble council
- La Oficina para Fraces en Otras Idiomas
iii. Geographic Office
- Road map office
- Road map (to peace)office
- Tiny Principalities in Europe office
iv. Liberal Arts authority
- Mathematics sub-section (i, the number)
- Science sub-section
- Liberal sub-section (Democracy, underminers)
Important Members[edit | edit source]
Some of the most influential people of the Ministry have also held great renown as fine upstanding citizens. The vast majority, however, have not.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe[edit | edit source]
A charter member of many talents who was responsible for falsifying and untangling German military history, a nearly impossible task that he, surely enough, failed. His death at the hands of Hitler greatly inconvenienced the Ministry, as their other agent in Germany, Benedict XVI, was preparing to take another important role in blatant misfactuality. As of yet, the vacancy in the ranks has not been filled.
Operational Status: Dead as a doornail.
Richard M. Nixon[edit | edit source]
"Tricky Dick" was about as slimy as they come, and probably set the truth back about two decades or so during his tenure as US President. He was awarded the Misfactual Medal of Intruthfulness for his work with US legal policy, streching and bending it like the elastic waitband on his underpants. Oh, and he apparently had something to do with plumbers.
Operational Status: Not a crook.
Alex Trebek[edit | edit source]
Twisted genius in charge of American history, despite being from Canada. It is for this reason that the Canadians are so sedate. They realize that nothing outweighs the ability to define the answer to the immortal question "What combined force defeated the forces of British general Lord Charles Cornwallace under the joint leadersip of George Washington and the Comte de Rochambeau at the Battle of Yorktown in 1781? Bonus: Why do we care?" And what more appropriate a place to sew confusion and dissent than from a TV game show?
Operational Status: Moderately active, although his doctor recommends more exercise to combat his sagging jowls and expanding waistline.
Stephen Hawking[edit | edit source]
Super-ultra-uber smart man charged with keeping the precious revelations of science out of the hands of the proletariat. Father of "techno-babble" and "arrogance". Recently transferred to the Department of Exceptionally Long and Confusing Words.
Operational Status: Ummm... Crippled. (Handi-capable?)
Your Mom[edit | edit source]
The mistress of spinning tales, a sliver-tongued siren of untruth. An utterly believable storyteller who has convinced the world to believe countless incredible lies, like the idea that you "weren't an accident".
Operational Status: You have no idea, baby!