The Great Teletubby War

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The Tubby Union launches a missile attack on the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic, shortly after incoming missiles reduced the capital city to colorful rubble, except for a few underground bomb shelters.

The Great Teletubby War was a series of battles that began in 1997, ended in 2001, and then suffered endless repeats with TV syndication. This conflict was the result of a disagreement between The Tubby Union[1] and The People's Democratic Teletubby Republic.[2] The high number of casualties, especially compared to the low number of Teletubbies ever actually seen on television, made it the most violent war in Teletubby history.

Origin of the conflict

Teletubbian generals meet at the Demilitarized Zone under supervision by UN Peacekeepers to discuss potential treaties, foreign politics, common interests, and of course, tubby custard.

Once upon a time, Teletubbyland was a happy, shiny, and sunny place of babbling, overweight fake fur balls bouncing around amongst the evergreen and talking to each other in childish speech.

Then in 1895, the Japanese invaded and tried to turn everyone there into sad Anime cartoons. During this cruel time, the Teletubby Resistance was led by Kim-Kill Po, Lil Kim-Kong Laa-Laa, Park Chu Tinky Winky, and Samsung Itsy Bitsy Polka-Dot Dipsy. In a violent upheaval in which a lot of people got sick on jelly, the Japanese retreated and left Teletubbyland.

At first, all was happy once again. Then petty jealousies broke out between Po and Laa-Laa on one side, and Tinky Winky and Dipsy on the other. They kept to separate sides of the playground, but then a very, very, very violent struggle broke out. There were a lot of furry fists flying and kicks to undefended Teletubby groins.

Po and Laa-Laa emerged as victors and announced they would now "go Stalinist" and shoot pea soup at their rivals. Tinky Winky and Dipsy ran crying to the United Nations and asked General Douglas MacArthur to drop a cherry bomb on their rivals. The Chinese joined the fight, declaring that Tinky Winky was a bad moral influence and Dipsy a chronic, Westernised alcoholic.

Two-nation Teletubbies

Teletubbyland split into two separate nations, the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic and Tubby Union. Both Air Marshal Laa-Laa and General Po spoke of advancing the international proletarian struggle (and not simply accreting unprecedented power into their own hands). By comparison, Generals Tinky Winky and Dipsy disagreed; the television program and the related merchandising deals made them devout believers in capitalism, from their heads down to their pinky rings.

After the split, both sides formed executive offices that had never before been needed, with salaries in excess of any that had been paid. The Tubby Union had a president and vice-president, and the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic had Chairmen and the People's Grand High Tubby (acting president and social spokesperson).

The first ever Tubbian ICBM, the Tita IV, was developed and tested by the Tubby Union.

The secession caused the cession of speculation as to which, if any, of the Teletubbies are gay. In fact, the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic promptly passed a law against speculators of any sort.

Six-party negotiations

When the dispute escalated to the point of war, the United States lined up on the side of the capitalist Tubby Union, whereas the socialist nations sided with the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic. The U.S. requested peace negotiations with the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic, but the latter wanted six-party negotiations, even though only two nations were party to the dispute (three, if you count the U.S. as a global ATM with a stuck refund knob). Air Marshal Laa-Laa was unabashed: "We find it easier to play the U.S. like a fiddle when there are three extra parties watching the negotiations," he said. The People's Democratic Teletubby Republic chose the following:

  • North Korea, experienced at the scheme and always a reliable witness to the truth.
  • The BBC, with an obvious interest both in peace and expanded Teletubbies syndication, and whose news division is actively in the business of shaming the U.S. into disgorging large amounts of cash into diplomatic rat-holes.
  • The People's Republic of China, which manufactures all the consumer goods and most of the food consumed in the U.S. and could exert leverage on the U.S. to do its part ($$$) to stop the hostilities.

The result of the six-party negotiations was that the U.S. shipped enough food to the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic to feed 40% of its population--an amount which, coincidentally, was sufficient to feed 100% of its military, which took delivery of, and administered, the food aid. In exchange, the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic promised to keep telling the U.S. that it was not engaged in a secret armaments campaign, at least until it was undeniable because of the firing of test missiles.

Chemical and Biological Weaponry

Teletubbian Anthrax

Both sides developed synthetic variants of normal Anthrax, designed to survive for years at a time and infect a variety of the foodstuffs eaten by the stuffed toys that constitute Teletubbyland.

The Tubby Union developed an antigen to Teletubbian Anthrax. The People's Democratic Teletubby Republic protested that such an effective defensive weapon would embolden the Tubby Union toward economic and cultural aggression, and was thus an offensive weapon. They demanded that the Tubby Union pledge never to use the antigen in a first strike; that is, never to be the first to immunize its people after an attack with a biological weapon.

Agent Wahda

Agent Wahda as a chemical weapon was notoriously productive at destruction.

With equal parts hydrogen cyanide, Toxaphene, methyl isocyanate, and pink dye, Agent Wahda was made and used exclusively by the Tubby Union as a chemical weapon and dispensed through dusters, helicopters, and Noo-Noos. Agent Wahda proved highly effective, far more than the other chemical weapons, killing and staining hundreds of Teletubbies.

The SuperTubby

The SuperTubby was a weapon of Armageddon created by HoovHoov and his comrades TyboTybo and JerJer. Project SuperTubby was funded by the massive seizures of custard in the Socialist Republic of NooNoo. SuperTubby was a living chemical powered by a fusion reactor of pure evil. His very essence brought fear into the heart of JerJer, who ended up going crazy and attempted to murder Professor HoovHoov and Doctor TyboTybo. TyboTybo took the telebullet and saved HoovHoov in the process. HoovHoov later succumbed to his injuries from late nights with AlanaNana and his identity crisis. He managed to activate the SuperTubby but it was too powerful for him and killed him instantly. The SuperTubby killed millions of Tubbians with gas-based weapons until HoovHoov's greatest friend NoseNoso managed to defeat it with a quadratic missile.

Tubonium Bomb

A diagram of an early prototype Tubonium bomb. Of particular note is the fact that Comic Sans was used.

Near the end of the war, the Tubby Union feared that the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic was developing a mega-weapon. Their own project led to the modern Tubonium Bomb. The element Tubonium (Tb, Atomic Number 321), is inherently unstable and prone to giggling fits when anyone mentions poo. However the Tubby Union added a lot of paste and sticky fudge pudding and made it far more effective.

The Tubonium Bomb proved to be a major success, 26 times as devastating as the H-Bomb, with the capacity to kill all infant toys on the continent of North America, and to penetrate bunkers whether hardened with Lego or Duplo blocks. The bomb is also capable of emitting an EMP so massive that tummy-TV based communications are disrupted for more than 2 hours over the blast radius. This fact proved vital in the bomb's success during the war.

Deployment and surrender

On June 4, the first Tubonium bomb went off in the metropolis of Qay Qay. Millions of innocent Teletubbies watched in horror as their little fat bellies expanded and then exploded into a deluge of fake fur and over saturated fats. But the People's Democratic Teletubby Republic refused to surrender, its government instead entering a prolonged period of internal dithering. Almost exactly 2 months later, a second bomb went off. The People's Democratic Teletubby Republic officially surrendered, marking the end of the great war.

The People's Democratic Teletubby Republic and the Tubby Union were united for the first time in centuries. The oligarchy was restored, and with it a new era of peace and prosperity. Namely, the United States provided reconstruction aid and reparations (even though none of the Teletubbies are black) and started two baseball leagues. The leaders swore never to wage war again. At least, not until the loot runs out.

Having out-performed the United States in military terms, the former Mecca of baby toys became the world's new top arms dealer. The Teletubbies maintain warm, if uneasy, ties to both the United States and United Kingdom--perhaps because of dependency on their resources.


  1. Consisting of Generals Tinky Winky and Dipsy
  2. Consisting of Laa-Laa and Po

Further Reading