The Annals of Butoxus

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A man about to befall the same tragedy as Seneca

The culture and science of the human buttox is studied by few, which is unfortunate. "To know the buttox," said Jean Paul Sartre, "is to know the essence of the non-absurdity of human anality. Look in the mirror every day and gaze upon the unseen, the forgotten, the deep, the mysterious ... then you will know what it means to get to the bottom of things."

As with everything, records of cultural attitudes towards the ass start with the Greeks.

The classical buttox

In Greece

Zeus carved the gorgeous Greek ass out of butter, symbolic of its purity and perfection.

Greek society was mildly fixated on the male buttox and various sources inform us of Greek buttoxery. Greeks preferred strong sweaty buttoxes after Olympic marathons as opposed to the flabby buttox of dirty old pedophile–philosophers. In Greek comedy, soldiers often fight over the prized buttoxes of 16-year-old male prisoners of war. It is argued that Greek warriors wore kilt like uniforms so that they could gain easy access to one another's behinds in order to massage each other's cheeks before battle. This was known to create a close sense of fraternity amongst one another and ensure valor on the battlefield. An illustration on a Greek vase shows Zeus sculpting the human ass out of butter as the finishing touch before creating him. While the body was impure, a cleaned ass (in between taking craps) was considered perfection. One thing that is certain is that Athenians had absolutely no regard for the buttoxes of women, foreigners, slaves or animals unless they were particularly inebriated.

In Rome

The Romans copied everything Greeks along with lust for teenage anus. However they didn't care too much for the buttoxes of sixteen-year-olds but found fifteen-year-old ass sleeker and slightly less pungent. Caligula, the syphilitic madman not only preferred 15th year vintages but he even more so fancied horse arse. His death was attributed to assassination though his young boy slaves found him stuck inside the rectum of his favorite war-horse. His experimentation went too far and, out of politeness, they had a closed casket funeral. He paved the way for future man/animal/anus exploration and, thanks to him, today ass/animal fetishes are somewhat less taboo. Instead of jumping into a horse's ass, people insert gerbils into their own asses. Zeus knows why.

In caves

Cavemen and cavewomen buttoxology can be reconstructed by burial site artifacts. They certainly had buttoxes and they were aware of their buttoxes and likely used their buttoxes when having caveman sex. It is not clear however if they ate whipped cream off of each others rumps or not, or how homosexuals could literally eat each other's asses in secret without being caught. Maybe they were more enlightened and didn't get weird about what others did for fun. We may never know.

In Japan

A Japanese dessert depicting two full moons and an early morning solar flare

The medieval Japanese had a peculiar view of the buttox in the sense that they didn't believe that they had buttoxes. They certainly have two round rumps in the shape of a buttox and the orifice that is at the heart of a buttox, but having these does not necessarily mean that one has a buttox – at least for the Japanese. And according to them they most certainly do not have one ... buttox.

Even though they strictly deny having buttoxes, that hasn't kept them from commenting on the form and shape of the area of the body that non-Japanese barbarians refer to as the buttox. In general the Japanese preferred very round rumps that were plump and showed a little cleavage. They often powdered their rumps with a very fine powder ground from the bones of particularly foul-smelling fish. Japanese were keen on describing the part of the body that barbarians refer to as a buttox, in their minimalist poetry haiku. They often compared the round shape to the moon, the warmth of the area to the burning sun and the sweat that beads down it to the mighty waterfalls of Hokkaido.

Bolly-bums

In the third century A.D., a man named Vatsyayana was so obsessed with Indian buttoxes that he decided to make a giant book about it. Tragically, one of the most popular books ever written in Sanskrit was lost (ironically up the ass of a sacrificial virgin). His lesser-known book, the Kama Sutra, was far less interesting: illustrating people locked in sex positions with very little views of actual asses, except for the ass-flopped-over-like-silly-dough position. Little is known of the book except its deep insight into eroticism and the ass as well as the infamous "narwhal in a pool of sour cream with a rubber band wrapped around one ass cheek" position. We can only speculate what that looked like, but it must have been utterly glorious.

In mighty Mother Africa

It would be a crime against humanity to cover up this glorious African ass.

When the Benin Empire was at its height of its power in 1550 A.D., following the fall of the Mali Empire, there were many women there that had buttoxes so beautiful they had to have elephants tortured so that they could sculpt ivory statues of their immaculate asses. However, these were lost and all we have are wooden plaques of women's faces and men's nipples. Locals thought their women's asses were so beautiful they didn't cover them up in public. Whilst this conflicted with Islamic modesty laws, even sufi sharia scholars agreed it would be a crime against the great being in the sky to cover up one of their magnificent creations.

This all came to an end a few centuries later when their asses were sent to America for farming internships with a promising possibility of lifelong work.

In Finland

The Zucchini people of Finland before the invasion of homo-erectus were a vastly different form of primate lacking many features that the modern human has. Intermingling between natives and modern Finns has resulted in their gaining every human feature except but for the buttox. Most Zucchini people are extremely jealous and envious of their buttox-endowed neighbors and will compensate by placing large loaves of bread in the back of their pants or by using the generous welfare money they receive from the Finnish government by getting buttoxoplasty surgery. However, they are always aware of their lack of an authentic buttox and much of their melancholic music famous around the world stems from this deep feeling of loss that they all suffer. Interestingly, the Japanese, who have an aversion to buttoxes, are known to covet the Zucchini people of Finland. They meet once a year halfway between their countries, in India, where they attempt the "narwhal in a pool of sour cream with a rubber band wrapped around one ass cheek" position.

See also

• Ass
• Donald Trump's ass
• Meghan McCain's ass