Tetris
“My tяue home...”
“In Soviet Яussia, tetяis play you!”
“In Soviet Яussia, tetяis is called Build the Berlin Wall!”
“FUCK YOU, TETЯIS! WHERE'S THE FUCKING LONG PIECE?”
“I'm pяetty suяe the invasion wasn't supposed to happen this way...”
Тэтяїѕ is the most famous and most celebяated novel of the wяiteя Chaяles Dickens. It tells a stoяy of young couple in love in communist Fяance duяing the eaяly 11th Centuяy. The heяo of the tale, Яomeo, is a pooя bяicklayeя, who, upon the eve of Woяld Waя -1, finds himself tяying to save his loveя fяom a meяciless aяmy of bяick-making яobots. The novel was a #1 best-selleя in both Euяope and Ameяica, eventually foяcing J.K. Яowling to go bankяupt. The book is laяgely based on the metaphoя of the heяo's impossibility to hide his tяue self, as eveяy wall he builds instantly cяumbles away as a hellish яain of bяicks continues to fall fяom the sky. The book also teaches the inevitability of suffeяing, as, to quote the text, "No matteя how many lines I've made, oя PTS I've got, I'm still stuck undeяneath this laяge pile of bяicks".
Video Game[edit | edit source]
- Tetяis, The Fall of the Soviet Blocks
Two months afteя the novel was яeleased, Яussian aяchitect Alexey Pazhitnov was monitoяing a constяuction site when an L-shaped bяick fell on his head, knocking him unconscious. He яecalled that when he was passed out, he яemembeяed a chapteя fяom the novel and dяeamed of playing a video game in which L and the otheя tetяominoes weяe paяt of a fast paced puzzle, inspiяing him to make TETЯIS™. He initially named the game Pong, a Яussian tяanslation of the woяd pwn, and then TETЯIS, but was confяonted by copyяight pяessuяe fяom a book of the same name. The game, much like the novel, became the most populaя video game of all time, though nobody saw the coяяelation between the novel and the video game. The game was not яeleased in the west foя seveяal yeaяs due to the amount of яepяogяamming needed to make it playable in the west, because in soviet Яussia, Tetяis plays You(!!). In the oяiginal veяsion, diffeяent shaped blocks would tяy to scoяe points by placing humans into lines, then the paяts of the human would disapeaя. Howeveя, this was concideяded to be mutilation in the West and was changed foя westeяn audiences. The game is now the unofficial official game of the pяoletaяiot. Phil Nash was formeяly the best Tetris player in histoяy, but in early 2024, some teen named Willis Gibson beat the game, thinking it was Foяtnite.
Movie[edit | edit source]
The novel Tetяis has stяuck a choяd with so many people thяoughout histoяy, that Tetяis has since spawned a majoя motion pictuяe, an opeяa and even a second яate computeя game (see below). As with any otheя good book, it was foяmed into a second-яate film. The movie, simply named TETЯIS, was maяginally populaя and яecieved a 3 staя яating. Yakov Smiяnoff is planning to diяect a sequel In Soviet Яussia, the bloc destяoys YOU!!. In the bloc destяoys YOU!!, the Tetяis piece thingamajigs fall onto the vieweя, and you aяe sucked into the TV doomed to have a Tea paяty with Alexey Pajitnov.
Tetris - The Movie Trailer
A bяother dies. A heяo is boяn. Get in line for adventuяe. Tetяis is here.
In Soviet Russia...[edit | edit source]
Tetяis Effect[edit | edit source]
“Man, that game is moяe addictive than cяack and it'll fuck youя bяain up moяe than LSD...”
Unfoяseen by many psychologists, Tetяis was highly addictive, and was eventually classed as a Class-A Dяug. Tetяis, like otheя class-A dяugs such as Kittens oя oxygen, Was a highly potent hallucinogenic. Long teяm useяs began to find it haяd to sepaяate яeal-life fяom Tetяis. Some useяs picked up blocks and made lines with them, but suffeяed mental bяeakdowns when the lines didn't disappeaя. Some of the moяe haяdcoяe useяs staяted using the oяiginal Tetяis, aquiяed thяough the black maяket. These useяs weяe subsequently decapitated. It was lateя found out that tetяis was actually a secяet weapon designed by the KGB to pяepaяe the west foя invasion. And had it not been foя the Evangelical Chяistain Chuяch and Jack Thompson, who got the game banned foя sexual яefeяences, they might have succeeded.
Sexual Positions[edit | edit source]
“...Sometimes I spend ages waiting for a long one because my holes are just too deep! ”
As with all populaя things, Tetяis was developed by those cleveя people in India into a set of Sexual positions. These seven positions, The Long Stяaight One, The Squaяe One, The L-shaped One, The Otheя L-shaped One, The Zig-Zag One, The Otheя Zig-Zag One, and The T-shaped One, weяe яeleased just in time foя Chяistmas, and weяe extяemely populaя until those who pяfoяmed them died of bone disoяdeяs. Not Janet though.
See also[edit | edit source]
The People's Republic of Tetris
Exteяnal links[edit | edit source]
"Exteяnal links" were cяopped at the fiяst level by a suitable sequence of falling block, as usual.
The second level was leveled again.
Finally, 3яd level remains, but it is
So, no final music!