Talk:Unfomercials:Coors Light Presents: The American Man
And now a word from our sponsor, Pee Review![edit source]
| Humour: | 7.5 | average of humor scores.
pretty solid stuff. i like the blatant repetitive advertising. maybe don't put down the American Man by calling his friends 'dumbasses', it seems like you're trying to glorify him, so do that.
i thought this section would be lame, but it got a chuckle out of me. nicely done.
very good again. the translation bit caught me by surprise. the gay entry in the list didn't do much for me, though. but the list itself was good.
the middle of this section is pretty weak. but the beginning and the end are good. maybe add the vehicles section to the end of the gadgets section?
hmmm...good, but you've already used the 'excess of 100 degrees' line. try throwing another curveball.
a pretty good ending line, but the rest really didn't do it for me.
i think this could be an extremely funny article, if you made some tweaks. i think the 'misdirection' technique (see HTBFANJS) would work well throughout the article, in the same way you used it in the translation context. you seem to get repetitive after a while with just saying 'coors light is awesome', maybe try some different praises (some escalation throughout the article perhaps?). |
| Concept: | 8 | 5/5 points for a relevant, well-known subject. i proudly drink coors light and have rarely felt manlier.
3/5 points for execution. i think you could present everything overall a bit better, and make eveything seem more like the beginning, but without repeating yourself too exactly. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | that table of contents is big and ugly. try __NOTOC__ to get rid of it. your article is broken up a lot, try to merge sections or add some content to the shorter ones. your images seem kind of added in after the fact, try to integrate them into relevant sections that are of the appropriate length to avoid further whitespace. the random use of bold, caps, and large text was good, but it might draw some readers to read that first and miss the buildup. just a thought. spelling and grammar looked good. try to put more links in, you were a tad short on those. |
| Images: | 7 | the first one was decent, the second one was good (especially with the caption). the third one was appropriate. the last one kinda weirded me out. you should have a picture of the american man, at the very least. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7.4 | averaged |
| Final Score: | 36.9 | my preview button tells me that your final score is 36.9, placing you slightly above 'adequate'. i would say your main concerns would be to add a few lines to each section and fiddle with the images. after doing that, you could try some of the suggestions at the end of the humor section. |
| Reviewer: | 02:36, 1 August 2008 (UTC) | |