Stephenson Scholarship Hall

“Place seems pretty normal.”

~ Marilyn Manson on Stephenson Scholarship Hall

Stephenson Hall, every night besides July 6th

Stephenson Scholarship Hall, sometimes spelled, Steevensun Skallurship Haul, is a residence hall located on the campus of the University of Kansas. Founded in 1952 by Louis Stephens of Even Stephens fame, Stephenson is famous for having the lowest G.P.A. possible for a residence hall at -5.86776765.12. Stephenson, while founded in 1952, is still very much under construction that contractors say may last until the year 2525, or until the University of Kansas finally realizes that Stephenson seceded from the University in 1964.

Residents of Stephenson are called "Lylemen" which is short for the more grammatically correct "Lylemendudesguys." The criteria for being accepted into Stephenson include: Two thumbs, Motor Skills, Having the lyrics to Will Smith's "Miami" memorized, underwear, symmetry along the y-axis, and a passion for fashion. "Lylemen" are noted for being able to breathe whilst submersed in jello. Another facet of life in Stephenson are "shifts." Shifts are chores that are shared by the housemates and include: Dinner Cook, Lunch Cook, Dane Cook, Shower Cleaner, Vomit Re-arranger, Ogi Washer, Ogi Waxer, Ogi's punching bag, The guy who runs up and down the halls spraying aerosol scent cans to cover up the smell of marijuana on the third floor, Turkey baster, and floor mopper/sweeper/humper.

A typical room in Stephenson

Activities

Activities at Stephenson include masturbating, throwing stuff off the fire escape, and marathon masturbating. While the former and the latter are self-explanitory, the middler involves throwing random appliances from a third story fire escape, including, Copy Machines, Coffee Makers, Televisions, Yul Brynner, Flaming Couches, Water, Confidence, Small children, and Water Balloons. Stephenson has not actually participated in an inter-scholarship hall activity since 1982. In 2007 Stephenson rejuvinated it's Rave Party. The party was surprisingly attended by a multiple of people including females, though many still believe the attendance was due to pity/curiosity of the hall's rumored sanitation "issues." Stephenson Hall is also planning on holding a "Neanderthal Ball," sometime in the Spring. At this event, Stephenson invites other schol halls to wear caveman attire. The roots of this event date back to 1969 when Stephenson held a dance that people came to dressed as cavemen, because they thought, quote "I saw everyone from Stephenson was all gross and scantily clad so I figured it was some sort of prehistoric party." The Lylemen are known for their inability to dance, which is a trait that most residents traded in 1972 for quote "Mad Pong Skillzzz."

Health Issues

Vaginaboobous Staphylococcus

Stephenson Manor has frequently been in high water for it's "sanitary" issues. Refrigerators losing power over the weekends have generated audacious odors as well as a handful of newly discovered microorganisms. The first organism to be discovered was allowed to be named by the lylemen for discovering it. "Vaginaboobous Staphylococcus," as it was affectionately named, earned Stephenson a Nobel Prize for science. The medal was accidentally flushed down a toilet in 1989.

Famous Residents

Famous residents of Stephenson Scholarship Hall include but are not limited to: Hideo Kojima, Pocahontas, Juan Aaroz, Rod Serling, Ice Cube, Captain Morgan, 3 of the 4 Wiggles, Steve-O, The B-52's, Ognyan Chervenkov, Josh McEwen, Josh Homme, William "Daddy" Jabaal Abdul-Snider, Johnny Knoxville, Hugh Laurie, Billy Ocean, Waluigi, Theodore Roosevelt, Larry Bird, Wilbur Nether

Ognyan Chervenkov

Ogi

Another famous resident is Ognyan Chervenkov, or sometimes called by his mortal name, "Ogi." Ogi is badass incarnate and will stop at nothing to dismantle every fiber of being that governs KU student housing. Ogi is an architecture major. Ogi is a master at various martial arts weapons, including: Swords, Nun chucks, Sais, Ninja Stars, Ninja Swords, Bo Staff, Hook Sword, Whip, Mace, Handaxe, Open-handed, Wheelbarrow, Toupee, Whipping Cream, Shaving Cream, Sour Cream, Cream Cream, Crispy Cream, Berries and Cream....and his personal favorite cream of mushroom.

Wilbur Nether

Wilbur Nether* *Open to Interpretation

Wilbur Nether is Stephenson's most famous resident, having lived in Stephenson since it was built. Wilbur lives on the fourth floor of Stephenson, allegedly with Elvis, Walt Disney, and the real Michael Jackson. Wilbur has been a noted member of society for the past few decades with contributions including: The first man to walk on the moon, The first man to masturbate on the moon, the last man to masturbate on the moon, and the first man to catch a cold with his bare hands!!! Wilbur is noted for his accomplishments, but even more notorious for having never been seen by more than a handful of residents. However, concept renderings have shown that Wilbur may look something like the picture to the side.

Fun Facts

• Nobody not from Stephenson actually wants to live in Stephenson
• Other Scholarship Halls Pearson and Battenfeld have attempted to acquire the title of "craziest scholarship hall," although residents of said halls have clearly never been within 50 feet of Stephenson
• Stephenson is spelled S-T-E-P-H-E-N-S-O-N
• In 1999 Stephenson was shut down by the Catholic Church due to concern that it may harbor the return of the four horseman in the upcoming Armageddon of 2000.
• The Lylemen aren't afraid of girls, girls are afraid of the Lylemen. You have just read a joke palindrome
• Stephenson doesn't give a shit whether or not you found this entire article funny
• Stephenson Hall has consistently been deemed "The Worst Scholarship Hall" by experts that would know that sort of thing.