Spankey
“Spankey is a wonderful Rear Admiral and lover!”
Spankey is a Rear Admiral of the United States Navy. Spankey has served a long and illustrious career as Rear Admiral for two years. Spankey is best known for repelling a small sea invasion of Mexican aliens (and I don't mean that in the extra-terrestrial way, though George Bush may disagree). Spankey cleverly did not reveal this to the public and was given $5000 and a whore for his service. Overall, Spankey is one of the most intelligent, cunning, and best Rear Admiral the Navy has ever had. It is completely irrelevant that he is George Bush's personal chimpanzee. he can still succeed; after all, George Bush, another chimp, succeeded (in a way).
Spankey was born 1997 in a gay prison, but ran away after that wussy cook made a bad souffle. George Bush found the little chimp wandering around the Houston docks, and fell in love at first sight. White House insiders say that Spankey is the pet most dear to Bush, even more dear to him than his pet chinchilla or yak. Indeed, it won't be long until Spankey is a full Admiral (and for all you civilian hoes, an Admiral is higher-ranking than a crappy Rear Admiral). However, you probably shouldn't tell Dubya that Spankey's cheating on him with that wussy cook. Apparently that cook's gotten better at making souffles.
For your information, those so-called experts over at Wikipedia aren't cool enough to have an article about Spankey.