Somerville
Somerville, Massachusetts, with a population of 75,000 or so, is supposed to be the most boring city on the planet[1]. It was founded in 1842 by a bunch of people who thought it was a drain on what was then Charlestown. Locals claim that it was where the first American Flag was raised, but experts say that it was actually raised NOT in Somerville, and this is just a plot by Somervillians to make their lousy city seem more interesting. It is bordered by Boston and Cambridge, both of which dislike it immeasurably. When visiting Boston, be sure to steer clear of Somerville, or you find yourself in an hour long traffic jam caused by Somerville's lousy urban design.
Demographics[edit | edit source]
Somerville's racial make-up are 69% white, 6.8% black, and 8.7 Asian. 3.6 percent were mixed race. 99% of the people are unpleasant to people not from Massachusetts. Somerville has two subcultures: Old Somerville and New Somerville. Old Somervillians are old jocks who sit around and watch the Bruins. They are really irritating. New Somerville people are young hipsters and yuppies, who are also irritating. Old Somervillians hang around in bars and on couches. New Somervillians hang around in coffee shops and Paint-and-Sip studios. The two cultures are long-locked in a war of attrition, with battles consisting of elections, meetings, and arguments on the street.
Irritating Behavior[edit | edit source]
Somerville shares many of the same problems as Boston, including Spot Hogging. During the winter, Somervillians will shovel out their parking spaces, and then place random objects such chairs, or sofas, or broken-down refrigerators, or even (rarely) their own cars to show that the spot has been taken.
Points of so-called "interest"[edit | edit source]
- Prospect Hill Tower, a decrepit old stone tower that nobody ever goes to and is filled with mice.
- Dilboy Stadium, the place that is great if your interested in seeing some D-rate Little Team miss the ball frequently.
- The Somerville Museum, a place that is locked constantly and has lousy exhibits.
- The Museum of Bad Art, perhaps the only place worth visiting in Somerville. At least it's being honest.
Mediocre Architecture and Cityscape[edit | edit source]
Somerville strongly resembles a microcosm of the worst parts of Boston in that it is filled with many buildings, lots of them ugly. For a long time, the tallest building was a housing project for old people named Burton Faulker Towers[2]. Now the tallest building is some yuppie-infested place in Assembly Row.