Scott Douglas
“You're thinking of the other Scott Douglas.”
“If all white people where that cool, I don't think I'd want to be black anymore.”
“She really liked his writing I guess.”
“Isn't it cool how his last name could also be someone's first name?”
“Yes, I kissed him. But haven't we all?”
Scott Douglas (died April 6, 2017) is an American librarian in California. The author of the McSweeney's Internet Tendency column, "Dispatches from a Public Librarian", Douglas is widely hailed as the greatest librarian since Casanova thanks to his numerous contributions to the profession (namely the term "referbored" and a general sexy quality). He is not related to the former singer of White Heart, who was convicted of sex related crimes and sentenced to 15 years in prison (see Scott Douglas (Singer)).
He was at one point the cause of a rather mysterious phenomenon in his hometown, the likes of which had never been recorded, nor have they since. Merely by showing up for work one day, the particular combination of the musty, rich scent of the books that perpetually lingers around him, a particularly flattering outfit, and the incidental raising of one eyebrow caused every woman within a fourteen-mile radius to spontaneously orgasm. Such is the power of the librarian.
It is rumored that Douglas dates several celebrities, possibly at the same time. In 2006 alone, he has been romantically link by gossip magazines to such celebrities as: Dustin Diamond (aka, Screech from Saved by the Bell), Dakota Fanning, Kristen Dalton, Jennifer Connelly, Shohreh Aghdashloo, Kelly Hu, Anna Paquin, Joan Allen, Condoleezza Rice, and Scott Bakula.
He's devastatingly handsome and charming known in several circles for his sharp wit and knowledge of cheeses.
He lives in a house constructed entirely out of playing cards, crushed diet coke cans, and super glue. He makes all of his own clothes by hand. His bed sheets are made out of foreign currency.
He is also an avid surfer, and eats kittens.
Early Years[edit | edit source]
As noted by the question marks above, Scott Douglas was never actually born. Instead he is mutated orange "goop" that was left on a dead tree. (Later it was discovered the orange goop was actually partially digested Tang.) When Scott's humanoid form was discovered, he was taken in as a part of the family.
After spending his first few years of life in a sealed bubble, it was revealed that he had been erroneously diagnosed with a serious immune-system disorder, due to a mix up in the paper files (remember, this was the 60s!) relating to his birth. This traumatic incident has shaped his life ever since, giving him an overwhelming urge to break free of any boundaries placed upon him, social, cultural, emotional and even physical.
Scott's adoptive father was the ruthless French dictator-turned-alchemist, Inspecteur du Gadget. His autobiography, Allez, Allez, Coptère du Gadget describes the young Scott as "a piece of work... Over ten feet tall, capable of turning urine into wine, breathing fire, speaking in tongues, wearing white shoes after Labor Day, and blessed with the magic ability to change a light bulb from wherever he wants to at any given moment[1]." Scott's mother, Nicole Kidman[2], was a charismatic dot-commer whose cold, fundamentalist motto was "it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing." But perhaps the greatest influence in young Scott's life was his godfather (with whom his mother was cheating on his father): the King of Prussia, who was then known as a symbol pronounced "The Frederick William Formerly Known as William Frederick." Unfortunately, all record of the erudition the King passed on to young Scott has been lost, thanks to the overzealous cleaning habits of the ex-Mrs. Frederick William.
By the age of five, he had developed an unsettling fascination with libraries, to such an extent that he was trading stolen cards from the card catalogue (remember, this was five years after sometime in the 60s!) with hapless baseball card collectors and the mentally ill. This was Douglas's first taste of a life of crime, a taste that would prove too yummy to resist.
When he was a young boy on the family farm in Lancaster, he refused to accept the humble role of an Amish boy. Instead, he routinely ran away to appear on Star Search in a delightful tapdancing-and-baton-twirling act under a false identity. He never won, probably because of his precocious sense of style, which was influenced by Heart_(band). As stated above, he is a Magic_Man.
Sex Tape Scandal[edit | edit source]
In 2005, several trade journals reported a sex tape had surfaced that showed Douglas engaging in sexual activity with Beatrice Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan, Estelle Getty (aka, The Golden Girls). Douglas later said of the incident that “he was bored, they were lonely,” and that they were actually, “quite hot in that old lady, saggy breast, sort of way.”
Space Piratism[edit | edit source]
Scott Douglas is perhaps best known for his contributions to the world of Intergalactic Space Piracy. Although not a founding member of the Brotherhood of Space Pirates, Douglas is, however, responsible for many of the Brotherhood’s more newsworthy heists. The destruction of the US KH-9 Spy Satellite, the capture and boarding of the Gemini III and the subsequent Space-keelhauling of Virgil Ivan “Gus” Grissom were all masterminded by the fearless Douglas.
He is often accompanied on his raids by a space robot sidekick, whose identity is yet to be confirmed.
The White Dragon[edit | edit source]
In the 1930s, Douglas became locally famous among the sherpa guides of the Himalayas for climbing Mt.Everest without any oxygen equipment and finding, growing on a lonely precipice, a rare and exotic flower known as "The White Dragon." The Dragon, as it called by Aficianados, has no scientific classification because the flower has only been seen twice. Aside from Douglas' discovery in 1935, the white, many-petaled perennial was reportedly seen by English explorer Sir Richard Burton during a vision quest near Tora Bora, Afghanistan.
According to the oral statements of several sherpas, Douglas returned to his base camp with a bloom of the Dragon tucked behind his right ear. His eyes apparently glowed with a green hue and he seemed to be locked in a trance. Immediately after reaching his tent, the sherpas say, Douglas collapsed into his bed and fell into a deep slumber for two weeks. During that time the Dragon blossom seems to have either wilted or been stolen. No one has seen the flower since, and Douglas has no recollection of the discovery, nor of his trip to the Himalayas in the 1930s.
Formula One Racing[edit | edit source]
Scott Douglas is an ex-Formula One driver, and Fifty Six-time world champion. According to the official Formula One web site, he is the most successful Formula One driver in history.
Douglas currently holds every record in Formula One, including those for style, most consecutive barrel rolls, most impressive hair, and most races won in a single season.
In 2001 Douglas was awarded the Presidential Driving License by President George Washington (thanks to his success in the area of Time Travel) which allowed Douglas immunity from all US motor vehicle laws and 80% off all purchases, both public and private, made in the Continental United States. He is also noted as the only man without a functioning liver to have received this award. Douglas was still an able candidate because his body secretes bile and performs the liver's other usual functions by sheer force of will alone.
Douglas & Harry Potter[edit | edit source]
Douglas is also known for being one of the first and most enthusiastic supporters of Harry Potter, which he references frequently in his dispatches. Some claim that his recommendations of the book to nearly every patron that visited his library, which he continues to this day, is one of the principal contributing factors in making the series so widely popular. He was recently awarded a 'number one fan' award personally by J. K. Rowling, and hopes to publish his extensive works of fan fiction within the coming months.
The Hemingway Connection[edit | edit source]
Douglas and Ernest Hemingway reunited the broken pieces of the Masamune and defeated Lavos the Devourer of Time in the epic battle of 1999,
Film Adaptations[edit | edit source]
It is rumored that Douglas will be portrayed by Heath Ledger in an upcoming film adaptation of the Dispatches.
Later Life[edit | edit source]
Scott's life today is divided between the British Royal Court Library and a existence in Tijuana as a street sandwich maker, where he was rewarded last year for groundbreaking sandwich making, getting accolades and recognition from the chief sandwich judge, Ruben de Mayo. Interestingly, his most well-known work in sandwich-making has never been introduced to the English population and Royal Court officials calls his craft a "load of old bollocks".
In addition to his illustrious sandwich-making and book-shelving careers, Douglas has chosen to use his fame for the greater good, contributing time, money, and - of course - a famous name to such causes as Sandwiches Across Detroit (SAD) and People Against Book Spine Torture (PABST). In 2005, he was awarded the illustrious Blue Ribbon for his singular work in the preservation of pulp fiction materials.
Additionally, Scott Douglas has been known to derive great and terrible powers from his near-constant exposure to both idiocy and computer monitors. These powers allow him to fly, very slowly, about 3 feet off of the ground, once a month, for about 15 seconds. To date, he has saved a child's kite from a tree, then heartlessly chose to set it on fire in front of the child with another power that he acquired from a fellow sandwich maker in Tijuana: The power to start very small fires by rubbing his index finger against his amazingly prominent adams apple. He has so far only used this power for evil, and is expected to get his comeuppance from a slightly larger child flying an RC plane loaded with marbles.
Currently, Scott's interest have turned to corporate taxation. After discovering a black letter law outline in his library's basement, he became an avid fan of Anti-Avoidance provisions. He acquired a night job as a janitor at a local law school, and worked out the key to the accumulated earning tax one night while on the job. After mistakenly leaving the calculation on the white board, Professor Van Timberland discovered his existence as the night janitor. He has since begun to see and befriend Van Timberland's nemesis, an amusing psychologist named Dr. Tiimerturle, to get to the bottom of his anger stemming from his Amish past, as well as his exploitation on Star Search. He is currently applying to various law schools, with his sights set on the wondrous northwest.