Robert Falcon Scott

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Robert Falcon Scott (1457-1912), Duke of the Antarctic and Earl of Amundsen, was born in Britain, but did not die there. He was famous for not being Ernest Shackleton.

Scott's notable achievement was rediscovering the South Pole in 1912 after it was carelessly lost by a Norwegian whose name no one remembers the year before.

He has not been seen since, and his wife was awarded the Order of the Penguin on his behalf. It recently fetched £3.75 on eBay.

Incredibly, Oscar Wilde has nothing to say about him.

Early Life and career[edit]

Scott spent his early life in Devonshire, England, where he studied the work of the Franciscans, especially Francis Drake and Francis Bacon. His best friend was a snowman. He showed an early aptitude for exploration when, in the spring of 1488, he re-discovered his father's back garden, and set up a tent there. It was later revealed that he was trying in fact to re-discover himself, but this was covered up at the time.

He quickly became a Great British explorer. In a race re-discover America, he showed that coming second was best, when he re-discoved Virginia, just years after Sir Walter Raleigh. Such is Scott's influence that the tradition of coming second has ever since then been a crucial element in the make-up of English people: the England football team traditionally comes second in matches against Argentina, Germanland and Brazil, while in cricket, the English team comes second to Australia.

In the years that followed, he was acknowledged to have re-invented the wheel, and he was a key member of the team that re-discovered the recipe for marmalade.

The Beethoven Hoax and Polar Exploration[edit]

Scott came up with an elaborate hoax in 1853, the only one ever to have been perpetrated by a British explorer since Walter Raleigh claimed that tobacco cured cancer. It is uncertain as to why he did this, but it may have been simply because he wanted a laugh.

The hoax involved re-writing Mozart's original Symphony no 39, and then passing it off as Beethoven's 3rd. He was, however, arrested when he attempted - illegally - to procure a sringboard and a small rodent in Oxford Street, London. He spent three months in jail as a result of this. It was during this time that he heard that there were two poles - one in the north and one in the south - and decided to re-discover them at some point, maybe tomorrow.

The point finally came in 1901, when he first set sail to re-discover Antarctica. He so thoroughly enjoyed himself that, upon returning to Britain, he resolved to do it again. The British people by now had heard of him, and he was created Duke of the Antarctic, and later, Earl of Amundsen.

He was pretty stoked with this, and set out in 1911 to re-re-discover Antarctica, but also to go further and to re-discover the South Pole. The shock of doing this is thought to have killed him, but his timing was immaculate, as he nobly re-discovered the South Pole after a Norwegian (whose name no one ever remembers) did it first. It was the stuff of British legend.

He left two sons, Sir Walter Scott and Sir Peter Scott. They're now both dead, as well.

Britain and Snow[edit]

A school of thought just outside of Newcastle believes that Scott smuggled snow back into Britain from one of his Voyages of Discovery. It remains a mystery to this day how he got it past HM Customs, but he may have put it in plastic bags and swallowed them.


Following his death, Scott's Mustard and Garlic Sauce for barbecued Emperor Penguin was a piss-poor attempt to cash in on the heroic attempts at failure by Scott. Heinz bought the rights in 1937, and it became one of their '78 varieties' of the day. However, the sauce failed to survive a Heinz down-sizing initiative, and did not make the better known '57'. Production ceased in 1962.

See also[edit]