Queueing

A Queue, yesterday

Queueing (Pron: "Oh for fuck's sake look at this line!") is an extremely popular sport devised by the Upper-Middle-Lower-Middle-Upper-Lower Class people of Britain. It has often been thought to be perhaps the most popular pastime among British, second perhaps only to Moaning About The Weather, or The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Origins of Queueing

Its origins began In Roman times, when people in fear of being robbed by Smoke off of Mortal Kombat stored their currency in secure buildings run by Baby Eating Miserable Gits known as Banks. In order to retrieve their hard-earned cash, folks had to stand in a long straight line, until they had forgotten what they had come in for, by which time they were easy pickings to be signed up for the latest credit cards, or loans which they couldn’t possibly afford to repay.

The Rules Of Queueing

So you want to try Queueing out for yourself? Heres some guidelines to get you started, and within no time you`ll soon find yourself a seasoned Queuer, with no will to live and the ability to hold your raging bladder for hours on end.

1. Choose your class

There are many different types of Queuer you may wish to be. The most popular types used today are:

The Impatient

The yellow M and M is an Experienced Impatient queuer

This is a class favoured by newcomers to the Queueing scene, as it has the easiest playing style to master. Basically consists of standing with an anxious expression, letting out loud "tut" and "pfff" and blowing loudly at random intervals, coupled with shifting from leg to leg, and the occasional "Oh for Fucks sake" muttered under the breath. Score one Queue-point (QP) for each successful mutter emitted. Special move - "The cell phone" answer your mobile and go into a totally inappropriate conversation, including as many swear words and sexual references as possible. Also make sure you have a shit ring-tone - Crazy Frog is a good one to use.

The Hapless Parent

Go on, Smack him harder. Harder! yeah, that'll score ya some points!

This class requires a little more skill, and also the use of specialist equipment, namely a Screaming Snotty Little Bastard Kid. Style of play consists of loudly chastising the child, with threats of "when i get you home you little bastard" thrown in for good measure. If your feeling particularly cheeky, why not try the "Slap on the legs technique" which will score you many many Queue-points ( the louder the child cries out in pain the more points you score)and no doubt the admiration and respect of your fellow Queuers. (Note do not try this move in the social services office - you may find your "equipment" removed from you)

The Old Person

yoda enojys the Old person class of Queuer, however he is in danger of being banned through using his cheatin` Jedi mind tricks

This is the class favoured by the seasoned Queuer, those fine upstanding citizens of the 60+ brigade. It takes many years of practice to acquire the Piss-and-Zoflora fragrance, gently wafting through the air around you. Also the "Hacking Cough" technique is a popular move used by this class, followed closely by the "Phlegm in hanky" combo move for maximum Queue points. A slightly less-used move but as equally risky as the "slap on the legs" technique is the "Fart disguised badly as a cough" technique, which when executed correctly can not only score 500+ Queue Points, but sometimes causes a "knock out effect" in which case you advance through the queue as people hurry to get away from your exquisite Butt-Bouquet.

2. Locate a queueing ground.

Popular locations for Queues include: The Post Office, a tried and tested Queueing location. The Bank, always a winner on Friday mornings or on Payday. Also Catalogue and Bargain Outlet Stores are prime locations for queues, one particular Queue that is rightly recorded in the history books is the Christmas 1992 Sheffield Argos Queue, when 40,000 people Queued for a Lights `n` Sound Tracy Island. Only 8 people survived. For the more extreme Queuer out there, the Swedish furniture and meatball outlet IKEA is a popular resort. Competitors are advised to wear a stab vest, and put some plastic sheets down. Those Fuax-leather cream sofas mark easily you know.

3. Assume the position.

The correct position for Queueing is the"One Behind the Other", however some more experienced players opt for the "Branching off to one Side" position so as to confuse other players as to where the Queue is really ending. This can have disastrous consequences though, as in the July 2001 Chesterfield Next summer sale, The queue ended in the River Rother, and several people were severely mauled by Leeches.

4. Wait your turn

Oh and you'll wait all right. yeah you'll wait a nice long time baby, yeah nice and long. And by the time your turn is reached, you'll have forgotten what you came in for. It's called irony.