Porto

Porto

Puarto PUARTO CARALHO! Puarto
Motto: "fouda-se olha me ieste..."
Anthem: "FRANCESINHA!!!!"
Capital	Nothing but its own piss-drowned arsehole
Largest city	Ribeira (a vomitous pit of drunkards and decay)
Official language(s)	A strange dialect that sounds a lot like Russian and Madeirense
Government	The Portocracy: FC Porto’s gore-soaked tyranny
National Hero(es)	Fernando Mendes, Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa, Luis Figo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Saint Éder, Mourinho, Rui Moreira, a cod ghoul called Salazar
Currency	Port-soaked euros and souls pawned to the Douro Demon
Religion	Soccerism, Soap-Opraism, Fatimism, Beerism, Port-Worship, Blasphemy
Population	Many many successful and dynamic brazilian "EXPORTERS" (and some successful and dynamic "EXPORTED" ones) A FEW extremely necessary highly efficient civil servants. Even fewer unemployed people. An inhabitant is a Portugoose (plural: Portugeese) 38,000 daytime wankers - swarms of port-pickled Portugeese, illegal Brazilian cock-peddlers, a few shambling civil servant corpses, and fewer unemployed pissheads too drunk to die
Major exports	Port wine (fermented in corpse vats), Mourinho’s rancid ego, Francesinha coffins
Major imports	Cod (not the video game), Eastern European piss-wipers, Spanish whores dodging ghost friars, illegal Brazilians, University qualified Eastern Europeans to do shitty jobs
Hours of  operation	Noon to 1 PM (if the drunks crawl out), 3 PM to 4 PM (siesta bloodbath), 9 PM to eternal torment

Locale

Porto squats on the Douro River like a syphilitic whore gangbanged by fate, a 216.68 km² cesspit dumped by a vengeful God after a port-and-corpse orgy that ended in divine vomit. The air reeks of cod rot from Matosinhos, mingling with the Douro Valley’s 45,000 hectares of vineyards that bleed 100 million liters of port yearly, half guzzled by British wankers mistaking it for embalming fluid. Gaia’s beaches are a piss-crusted necrophagy pit where seagulls peck at tourist livers, while the Dom Luís I bridge, a 1886 iron coffin, sags 2 cm yearly from drunkards humping it, one groan from dumping their shattered corpses into the drink.

Twisted Tales of Porto’s Past

Porto’s history is a shit-stained scroll of depravity. In 868, Vímara Peres, a Viking cunt with a bloodlust boner, conquered the Moors and built a castle so rotten it shat its walls by 1100, burying the builders in their own filth. The 1386 Battle of Aljubarrota saw Porto’s 1,000 archers piss port on Castile, earning Invicta—more like Unpissable Drunkards who won by drowning foes in their own urine. The 1703 Methuen Treaty turned it into a port wine slaughterhouse, with British twats slurping 100 million liters by 2025, half squeezed from child slaves with no tongues. Napoleon’s 1809 invasion died when Porto’s women, wielding cod dildos, gang-raped the French into a mass suicide, birthing the Porto Harlots myth—less glory, more genital leprosy.

Cult of the Damned

Porto’s religion is a festering stew of Soccerism, where FC Porto fans sacrifice virgins on the Estádio do Dragão altar, Port-Worship, with drunks praying to port barrels, and Siesta-Sacrilege, where siestas double as death rehearsals. The Sé Cathedral, a half-rotted crypt for pedophile priests, hoards 30 churches’ worth of land, forcing youths to rot in gutters. The Church demands midnight mass over this orgy, promising 150% productivity if they’d quit skull-fucking tram seats, but they’d rather burn in Hell chanting Foda-se!

Porto’s War on Sobriety

Drunken Slaughter

São João on June 23-24 turns Porto into a battlefield, with 3 million piss-soaked lunatics swinging plastic cocks, bludgeoning each other to death, and shagging in corpse piles. The 2025 riot saw 50 decapitations, blamed on Saint John’s Cona curse—a blood pact with Satan’s cock that ends in a mass grave.

Piss-Fueled Chaos

The 2025 Porto Piss Storm dumped 200 liters per second, drowning 5 wankers in grape-flavored acid, their faces melted into grinning skulls. Gaia’s lesbian witches hexed the Douro, turning it into a piss-river that swallowed a bus of tourists, their screams a symphony of despair.

Chronicle of a Cursed City

Prehistoric Puke Era

Porto’s origins lie in a prehistoric vomit swamp, where cavemen drank fermented cod juice, shagging saber-toothed whores until extinction. Fossils show a 10,000-year-old port bottle, cursed to doom all who sip it.

Unearthing the Rot

Archaeologists in 2024 dug up a mass grave of 868 Moors, their skulls stuffed with cod bones, proving Vímara’s conquest was a drunken butcher’s rampage.

Kings and Their Cod Concubines

Medieval kings kept cod concubines, fucking them in the Sé Cathedral while peasants starved, birthing the 1386 port-piss victory over Castile.

Power Grabs and Puke Fests

The 1832-1834 Civil War saw liberals guzzle port, collapsing when kegs ran dry, eating their own children in a cannibal orgy that stained the Douro red.

Portugeese Plunder Plague

The Methuen Treaty of 1703 unleashed a port plunder plague, with British twats stealing 100 million liters yearly, leaving Porto kids tongueless and bleeding.

Porto-Spain: Arse-Kicking Rivalry

In 1386, Porto’s archers pissed on Spain, sparking a rivalry where Spanish whores fled to Porto, spreading syphilis as revenge.

The Great Port Purge

The 1809 Napoleon purge saw Porto’s women rape the French to death, their corpses fertilizing the Douro Valley’s cursed vines.

Recent Rot and Ruin

The 2025 port-nuke fiasco fried Gaia, turning survivors into grape-mutated cannibals who ate their own feet, as of 02:02 PM WEST, June 11, 2025.

Rule by Rancid Rulers

Piss-Potentates and Their Crimes

Mayor Rui Moreira, the Piss-Tyrant, rules with a 1,800-meter Piss-Demon statue, pocketing brothel cash while tourists drown in port floods he orchestrates.

Economy of the Embalmed

Imports of the Damned

Cod carcasses, Eastern European piss-slaves, and Spanish harlots dodging ghost friars flood Porto, fueling its death economy.

Exports

Port wine aged in corpse vats, Mourinho’s ego, and Francesinha death kits ship out, poisoning the world with Porto’s rot.

Portugeese Puke Culture Legacy

Curse Words

Caralho! Foda-se! Cona! These curses melt brains, with 2025 stats showing 100 tourist deaths from verbal overload.

Insults to Incinerate Souls

Filho da Puta! Merda! Insults that burn flesh, used in 2025 riots to flay 20 Benfica fans alive.

Cod-Cursed Cuisine

Francesinha and bacalhau à Brás, dishes that rot guts, killed 15 Brits in 2025, their corpses served as garnish.

The Port-Piss Paper Trail

Port-soaked toilet paper, a 2025 export, clogs British arses, spreading Porto’s stench globally.

Vocal Vomitorium

Fado wails and Mariza’s shrieks summon the undead, with 2025 concerts raising 50 ghosts from Ribeira graves.

Porto’s Populace and Death Stats

Porto’s 238,000 daytime wankers swell to 2.5 million night-time degenerates, with 3 million São João corpse-fuckers. Illegal Brazilian cock-merchants and undead civil servants roam, while 2025 saw 200 STD deaths from the Porto Pussy Plague.

Myths

Ancient Era of Arse-Worship

Cavemen worshipped arses with port enemas, birthing Porto’s sodomized soul 10,000 years ago.

Classical Period (Portugeese Pillage)

The Methuen era saw Portugeese pillage British livers, cursing the land with eternal drunkenness.

Porto’s Folklore

Prophet Pissalo’s 2024 vision of a Douro flood swallowing Porto in cod semen came true in 2025, killing 10 skeptics who mocked his blood-scroll.

Yada Yada About This Shithole

Porto’s yada yada includes tram shagging, cod necrophilia, and a 2025 rumor that Mourinho’s ghost fucks the Piss-Demon nightly.

See Also

Check Lisbon’s Lesbian Pit, Gaia’s Graveyard, and Matosinhos’ Cod Holocaust for more Pwertugal rot.