Pork Pie

A Pork Pie is a small, meaty, pie, containing various bits of scraggy crap, left over from what the factory dog was unprepared to eat. Often marketed as a "Melton Mowbray Pork Pie", which is a bit of a misnomer, as the vast majority of pork pies are made in Chernobyl, and consequently are highly radioactive (most glow in the dark), and all of them are highly toxic.

Interestingly, pork pies contain only 0.1% pork on average. Pork is a plant which bears the fruit of the same name and it is widely believed that outdoor grown pork is tastier and more tenderer than indoor grown pork. The controversial classification as a fruit was only clarified in 1994, with mass confusion before then as to whether it was a fruit or meat. It is quite unusual for a fruit, as it contains vast amounts of protein and fat and has an unusual colour.

The pork plant is also quite unusual, consisting mostly of large slices of meat called 'chops' and grows steadily in moonlight but not sunlight. Lack of moonlight can cause it to turn green and to become smelly and watery.

Contrary to popular belief, pork is not related to pigs.

The Pork Pie King

In 1997 it was decided that Pork Pies needed a representative, who would be named "King of Pork Pies". After much thought, a public vote, a Reality TV series and a Civil War between London and Wales, the contest was cancelled, and the Chief Executive of Representing Nice Treats (Or CERNT), Fred Elliot, was automatically handed the title.

Fred adorned one Pork Pie with glasses and a drawn on face. While amusing, it did earn him a £2 and three shilling fine

Pork Pie Varieties

Cheese Flavoured

This is like your everyday gristle and flesh pie, with the added spice of pigs toenails, giving it a cheesy aftertaste and superb crunchability. The recipe was first invented in 1922 by a deaf and blind chimney sweep and later bought by Coca-Cola/Mars/Microsoft/Schweppes.

Coffee Surprise

Surprise indeed, just like the surprise Mr. Jim McNollworth got in 1945 when he tried to plant his pork pies to "Grow me a pork pie tree". He left them in the soil for five days, and upon returning, found they were covered in a brown, soily substance, but had grown no tree. Not discouraged, Jim took a bite of his new soil covered pie and discovered it tasted like shit, and not at all like coffee as he had hoped, but never-the-less looked good. He sold the recipe to Marks and Spencers and they are still a firm favourite of many people, including Frank Lampard.

Orange Crush

Until 1969, the mixing of fruit and savoury snacks was prohibited by law. But after the horrific events involving Charles Manson, authorities began to lighten up and experimentation began. In 1970, a German professor by the name of Jens Lehmann drunkenly stumbled into his lab, naked except for the oranges tied to his knees, and collapsed into a pile of freshly baked Pork Pies. When his co-workers found him the following morning, the first thing they did was sample the resultant mess. Apart from one nasty incident involving the mixture of pork pie and testicles, the accident had been a success - for the company. Orange Pork Pies were considered the tastiest snack of the 70's, and is still enjoyed today by many people, including the French and ginger people.

Pork Curry Pie

The Indians invented the Pork Curry Pie in late 2006. This was a major milestone in the spreading of ethical foods. Non-ethical foods are on the decline as many believe, as its name implies, that they are not ethical and cause many kinds of moral issues.

American Pork Pie

Like a normal one, but with a conspicuous hole in the middle and is about six inches deep. The texture in the middle is slightly modified so that the hole resembles the feel of an asshole of a seven-year-old or that of a man's back pussy. American Pork Pie has been known to include the remains of fat boys, rotten apricots, and a variety of marsupial feces. Dziekuje!

The prison guard's pork pie surprise

The prison guard's pork pie surprise contains fresh cuts of pork with exotic spices such as Viagra dust. It also, according to the official cookbook, was discovered containing nail clippings, earwax, and a prison guard's meaty one-inch wonder cock. This pork pie is thriving in Japan and is sold 1,004,000 on average everyday.