Phobia
“I am not afraid of anything! There, fine, I said it. Now get that knife away from me!”
“Phobia is another word for spiritual intellect”
A phobia is the phenomenon of soiling your pants upon seeing a specific object or being in a certain situation. This soiling is often caused by an immense emotion of fear, which is caused by a special animal called the "phobocat". There are people who say that phobias are triggered by mental illness, but that is completely scientifically wrong and could never be the case. The proof for this is located in the Causes of Phobias down below. Phobias often cause social embarrassment, exemplified at how people will laugh at how Arthur saw a duck and completely soiled his pants, therefore excluding him from the "cool kid" table. For some people with many, many, many phobias, there are in a constant state of pooping and must be under constant medical care to ensure they do not defecate their intestines. There are two types of phobias, sexual phobias, and non-sexual phobias.
Etymology[edit | edit source]
Phobia descends from the Greek word phobia, which means "an undernourished calf of a fat mother cow". Often times this is falsely translated to mean fear, however even not this is the etymology for phobia. In reality, the Swahili peoples borrowed the term to mean "to fart for an uncomfortably long duration". No one knows how the term managed to make it into Swahili. This was interpreted by English scribes as "soiling oneself", and voila! Phobias were born.
Types of phobias[edit | edit source]
There are 2 broad categories of phobias: sexual and non-sexual, each which having an uncountable number of phobia types.
Sexual Phobias[edit | edit source]
Though Sexual phobias are many and multifarious, few are of genuine interest; they are often invented by ignorant lowlifes who delight and revel in the crudeness and explicity of their inventions. This article avoids defining these more vile “phobias” and concentrates on the less common but more respectable of these conditions.
BrandonMurphyphobia: Fear of Brandon Murphy putting you in a trial and talking to himself as a judge then you find out your defendant and prosecutor are also Brandon Murphy then the witnesses are Brandon Murphy then when you lose the trial at the hands of Brandon Murphy, only to be taken to prison by Brandon Murphy then as you are put into your cell by Brandon Murphy your cellmate is also Brandon Murphy, then you wake up in a deep sweat, look over beside you in your bed only to see Brandon Murphy sleeping next to you, you then jump out of the window only to be caught by Brandon Murphy, he then takes you back indoors and rapes you.
Megatonntessierophobia: Fear of Megan Tessier's
Conitreltotriskaidekataphemelophasmoavioselachohadephobia: Fear of being sexually molested by thirteen guitar-shredding flying ghost sharks from fucking hell while being buried alive with them.
Bibliophilaphobia: The irrational fear of having Sexual Intercourse with a book, particularly the Bible or another important religious script.
TaraNewmarkophobia: The irrational fear of accidently hooking up with Tara Newmark.
Erectophobia: An irrational fear amongst males of getting an erection of the penis caused by sexual stimulation. Victims often continually daub their penis in cold water, or attempt to focus their mind on Sonia from Eastenders.
Heterophobia: Fear of heterosexual persons. Symptoms may include checking the gender of the sexual partner during Intercourse, and abusing and mocking heterosexual people.
Necroarachnophilophobia: The irrational fear of having Sexual Intercourse with a dead spider or other arachnid. Victims are often afraid of visiting reptile sections of zoos and wildlife parks, and Australia.
Necromorbidogigantigenitaliaautmobiliophiliaphobia: The irrational fear of people with such abnormally large peni that erection of the said peni causes loss of consciousness and eventually death, and whose Necrophile wives then had Sexual Intercourse with their deceased husband’s corpse while travelling in an automobile. This is believed to caused by a side-effect of excessive olive consumption during childhood.
Nicaphobia: Fear of hot chicks named Nica molesting you.
Necrovampirophiliaphobia: The irrational fear of having accidental Sexual Intercourse with a deceased Vampire or Vampyre. When killing a Vampire, victims continually check that the stake they are using is made of wood, not flesh; and that they are aiming at the Vampire’s heart, not its genitals.
Philiaphobia: The irrational fear of having Sexual Intercourse in any way, with people or any animals of any species, gender, age, sexuality, or religion.
Philiaphobiaphobia: The irrational fear of other persons with Sexual phobias, particularly the aforementioned two phobias.
Pornophobia: The irrational fear of pornographic images, sounds and smells. Victims are especially susceptible to homosexual porn, even when homosexual themselves.
Non-Sexual Phobias[edit | edit source]
It may at first glance appear perverse to classify non-sexual phobias as an individual category, but we must take into account the growing level of legal sexuality in today’s society. For this reason, nearly 55% of phobias are now related to Sexual Intercourse. The following section will describe those more traditional non-sexual phobias.
hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia fear of long words. There is a man across the street from my house who has hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia, he says the word pseudosacrosanctperversioiin to himself every 5 seconds, and gets an orgasm every 4 hours in result to The Pain.
chasisrundomesacortauupandpyrouphobia Fear of being chased around a table and eventually getting killed by pyromaniacs
68476814687467968768769784687146871468714681748671468746546871681741068716840681760ophobia fear of long numbers
keanuphobia fear of Keanu Reeves. This woman goes to her psychiatrist every week to talk about this. She eventually ends up killing him because she thinks that he is a machine agent trying to control her.
Momophobia fear of intensely fluffy things.
jellyfishPancakeMorbidGrandmaSittingOnASeaSerpentWhoDiedoPhobia fear of eating jellyfish pancakes with your morbid grandmother who sits on a sea serpent who died last year. (see Randomphobia)
dumbassophobia Fear of dumb people.
Physiolofagromeliophobia Fear of all physical activity
UkraianianMathTeacheroPhobia Fear of Ukrainian math teachers. "Whaz z answa?" "Calculate z wariablez!"
Uncyclopediophobia The fear of Uncyclopedia.
Christ-o-phobia The fear of Jesus Christ.
Randomophobia fear of randomness. ooooh? what happened to that sea serpent again?!?!
Aneditorphobia:The fear that a Wikipedia admin is watching you and is about to revert your edit.
Benominatophobia:The fear amongst children of people who go by the name of Ben, particularly when short for Benedict, rather than Benjamin or being a name in its own right. It is often caused by misnaming the child Ben for brief periods during infancy or having an abusive older sibling named Ben.
Dramatophobia: The fear of seeing, hearing and smelling any sort of theatre or play. Occurs more severely with old plays such as Shakespeare.
Undergroundbairiedandrapedbyaduckophobia Fear of being buried alive and then being raped by ducks.
Tauroshitophobia fear of bullshit. and bulls who shit.
Geminiphobia: The fear of twins (esp. identical). OMG two people born from the same mother at the same time! That is so gross! See also Geminiphilia.
Gastrophobia: An irrational fear of watching a man being battered to death by fourteen gummy-bears, all carrying bread loaves because it reminds the person of the gastronomical principle.
Iwantyourbodysobadaphobia: Where you feel like you need to sexually glue yourself to someone you see after 10seconds of talking to them.
I-podophobia: The fear of I-pods and other mobile music players. Symptoms include but are not limited to dreaming about an older sibling forcing an I-pod into the afflicted’s ear and playing very loud music, dreaming that I-pods may fall from the sky and become lodged on the genitals, and dreaming of an I-pod attempting to consume you. Other symptoms include fear of naming a child I-pod; fear that a family member’s head, usually the mother’s, may be replaced by an I-pod; mistaking a family member for an I-pod while attempting to destroy the I-pod; or finding an I-pod in a bag or other possession when returning from holiday.
Malkophobia The fear of the works of John Malkovich.
Nutritiophobia: The irrational fear of food and drink. Victims are almost invariably anorexic, and most live no longer than three to four years in intensive care after developing the phobia.
Octophobia: The fear of the number eight. It also manifests itself in many other forms, such as the fear of octopuses; fear of the month October (though August is the eighth month, October retains an inescapable contamination with eight); fear of octagonal shaped objects; and fear of the numbers seven and nine. It can occasionally occur with the numbers zero, one, two, three, four, five, six, and any other number containing those digits.
Retardophobia: The fear of mentally retarded or otherwise inhibited people, and in particular the fear that prolonged contact with them will result in the victim becoming handicapped themselves.
Seatophobia: The irrational fear of chairs. Victims often report having dreams when a gang of chairs tie them to a bed and poke them with red-hot pokers. Another common symptom is continually looking around to observe whether a chair has moved, when in the same room as one. Victims are also incapable of sitting on chairs or any form of comfortable seat, preferring instead nails and hot coals; many famous fakirs who claim to be immune to pain suffer from this phobia.
Soundophobia: The fear of any type of sound. This is an extremely severe condition, as victims eventually develop a psychological condition where hearing any sound causes the bursting of their ear drums, and, in extreme cases, mild brain hemorrhages. Signs of this phobia include the constant wearing of earplugs. Victims invariably become necrophiles, as Intercourse with dead persons is the only way to satisfy their sexual desires; live people make intolerable noises during Sexual Intercourse.
Biloandbillingsophobia: The fear of ringing up any remember of the Jamacian/Rastafarian public, or Pete Doherty, in case of them accidentally recording your mobile details, tracking down your house, and ultimately hiding under your bed and stealing the victims household objects such as iPods, Fererro Rochers, bottles of Gatorade etc.
Brynophobia: The fear of Welsh physics teachers called Bryn (Bryn is Welsh for hill - they usually are as big as a hill, hence the name). They tend to stray away from water and bath products as they like to spray innocent children with their acidic, swine flu infected sweat. They live on eccles cakes and brandy and the almighty Eflyn can usually stop them causing any harm with her almighty wooden planks (The almighty Eflyn is becoming very rare and so numbers of the Bryn are increasing rapidly.)
Pretentiophobia: Why are you looking at this article? Uncyclopedia's gonna get sued now.
MileyoCyrusophobia: The Fear of Miley Cyrus.
Jonasfaggophobia: The Fear of the Jonas Brothers.
Chrisobrownerphobia: The Fear of the Woman Beater.
Fuckingshitupphobia: Contrary to popular belief, this is the fear of doing everything perfectly.
Doingshitperfectlyphobia: Contrary to popular belief, this is the fear of doing everything perfectly, in exactly the manner previously specified.
Holycrapweregoingtogetnukedbynorthkoreophobia The fear of being nuked by North Korea. Common in South Korea.
Microphobia: It's a common disease, it could kill you. no, I'm not joking. fuckin' Nazis! i hate them all. whatever it irrational fear of mic...
Anatidaephobia: The fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching you.
Egophobia: The fear of yourself.
Gagaphobia: The fear of Lady Gaga.
Polonophobia: The fear of Polish people or Pollacks.
Nipponophobia: The fear of Japanese people or Nips.
Teutophobia: The fear of German people or krauts.
Anglophobia: The fear of English fucks.
Phobophobia: The Irrational fear of irrational fears, victims are almost always curled in the fetal position thinking of something like when the next Seinfeld is going to be on trying not to become fearful of something. fearing somthing ultimately ends in suicide which is why many babies died this year; they had phobophobia.
FacebookOPhobia: Extreme dillusional fear that anything you share on facebook would be read by anyone you actually know
Causes Of Phobias[edit | edit source]
Whilst the cause of phobias is disputed, the most highly regarded theory is where a species of cat, known as the Phobocat, climbs into a host bottom. The phobia that the host receives then depends on the breed of the cat.
How to develop a phobia without phobocat assistance[edit | edit source]
In this short guide we will teach you ho- t- ge- ch--d --- I just soiled my pants ):
Since I now have guidophobia, this will remain an unsoklved mystery...