People who don't wash

Mpepe has never washed in his life. His mouth smells like rotting walrus flesh. See how his eyes show clear signs of infection from the toxic gases.

People who don't wash are the most disgusting, filthy, unhygienic people in the entire world. Or even the universe. People who don't wash deserve to smell as much as they do, purely for the fact that they don't wash. I live with someone who doesn't wash, so I can appreciate the stench, having experienced it first hand.

Most people who don't wash are found in Africa. This is because there is no water there, but really that's just an excuse. In actual fact they just hid it so they didn't have to keep washing. This is because they are incredibly lazy and can't even be bothered to wash. I know that all Africans are lazy because I know an African called Mpepe, and he's unemployed. Incidentally, he doesn't wash and he smells like a raccoon's arsehole. I've never smelt a raccoon's arsehole, but I know what one smells like because I've smelt Mpepe. Trust me, he smells bad.

The Window Dilemma

People who live with people who don't wash are locked in a constant battle between opening windows to get fresh air, and freezing in winter, or closing windows to keep warm, but suffocating because of the smell. I met an African called Mpepe, and his girlfriend died because he wouldn't open the windows because he is an African and doesn't like cold. The smell and the toxic chemicals suffocated her and she died. I know what you're thinking. This is such a ridiculous story. But it is true. An African actually DID have a girlfriend.

Dealing with people who don't wash

Look at this typical photo of the North. Observe how perfect it would be for abandoning people who don't wash, or creating their own colony. I mean, look at it. It obviously already smells.

People who don't wash can go to special clinics in Switzerland where they can be put down. Unfortunately this method is very impractical, as strict Swiss environment laws state that people who don't wash cannot enter the country. Instead, there are several methods:

1. Drive them to the North and leave them there.

Pros: The North is full of people who don't wash, so it doesn't matter if you add a few more.

Cons: Your car will need a thorough clean, although it would be less expensive just to buy a new car.

This is the only safe way to approach people who don't wash. Make sure you have carried out life insurance and discussed the operation with next of kin. I accept no liability for any life-threatening diseases sustained by this method.

2. Enforce a strict regime of washing.

Pros: The person who doesn't wash will now smell a little less offensive.

Cons: This will cost approximately £7000, and it is difficult to enforce washing, unless you're prepared to touch the person without a biohazard suit, which may cause severe dermatological issues.

3. Abandon them on someone else's doorstep.

Pros: You will be rid of the person who doesn't wash.

Cons: You will suffer morally at knowing what the hapless victim is now going through, as they will have unwittingly adopted a person who doesn't wash.

4. Set up a special colony.

Pros: Everyone who suffers from a person who doesn't wash will be able to leave them here and get on with their lives.

Cons: As the founder of the first colony (as far as I know none exist), you will have to govern the people who don't wash and look after them, as they are incapable of feeding themselves. You will be stressed for life, and end up on a slippery slope to depression and suicide.

5. Kill them.

Pros: The only guaranteed method of ridding yourself once and for all of that irritating person who doesn't wash. Also, you can't be prosecuted as there are no laws protecting people who don't wash.

Cons: Be careful about diseases when disposing of the body. Remember the slogan 'Catch it, kill it, bin it.' Do just that.

Multiple issues

A typical dwelling of a person who doesn't wash. Observe the unsightliness of it. Stay away from these locations at all costs.

Many people who don't wash also live in a state of squalor, meaning that their houses, beds and possessions all smell too. This can be a problem, especially for ventilation. Also, people who don't wash have incredibly low standards of hygiene, so never under any circumstances eat or even touch anything they offer you. Ever. Just smile politely and decline. You'll thank me when you don't die of dengue fever caught from touching a sandwich given to you by someone who doesn't wash.

Some people who don't wash have very low levels of intelligence, meaning you are at risk of being adopted as a parent and/or worshipped as a deity. In this instance, simply distract the person who doesn't wash by pointing behind them and shouting, 'Look, a big red tractor!' They'll turn and stare for ages expecting one to appear, enabling you to escape in the meantime.

Contact

This poor chap ignored the exclusion zone and breathed in air that had been near a person who doesn't wash. He is bedridden now. Don't enter the exclusion zone. You have been warned.

As already mentioned, never ever attempt to touch a person who doesn't wash, or anything they have touched. If in doubt, don't touch it, or at least wear a biohazard suit.

Always try and maintain a 10 metre exclusion zone minimum. This is actually a legal requirement in Denmark, Finland and Algeria, so ensure you maintain this distance in these countries.

Warning to people who don't wash

If you are literate and are reading this article, then please follow this simple guidance for curing your symptoms. PLEASE JUST WASH. It's so disgusting otherwise. I know. I've seen your hair. You greasy pigs.

Scientists and researchers are hoping to have created a vaccine by 2015.

Afterword

Many people who don't wash live in extreme poverty.

Many people who do wash are in a position to help those who don't

I agree that it is disgusting.

But giving just £2 a month can help to spread hygiene.

Last summer, Britain donated £4.50 to this good cause; this year, we can give more.

Please wash. (And give too, but the washing is more important.)