Pensacola, Florida

“Pensacola is where Jodi Foster will go after she dies . . . or something; even I wasn't paying attention.”

~ Carl Sagan

Pensacola is sometimes referred to as the "westernmost city in the Florida panhandle". This designation is somewhat of a misnomer, as the city is actually located deep within Alabama. More accurate nicknames include "The Redneck Riviera", and "Sh*tcreek". The latter has fallen out of favor after the sewage processing plant was moved from its original location in the center of downtown, taking with it the overwhelming smell of raw sewage which once permeated all of the surrounding area.

Pensacola is a wholly owned subsidiary of the United States Navy, which selected the city for its suitability as a crash zone for the Navy's acclaimed "Blue Angels", an elite squadron of fighter jets responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-il, and Adolf Hitler.

Pensacola is nicknamed "The City of Five Flags" due to its history of being disowned by unsatisfied colonists of such great nations as Spain, France, Great Britain, the Confederate States of America, and the United States.

Pensacola Beach is considered part of the city, no matter how much the residents want to claim differently.

History

The original inhabitants of the Pensacola Bay area were Native Americans. Sadly these people had no flags of any kind and are therefore of little interest. Europeans have been trying to establish a city at the site of present day Pensacola since the first Homo sapiens sapiens first populated the European continent, though at that time the attempts involved a very long swim and many drownings. Everyone said Europeans were daft to build a city at that site, but they built it all the same, just to show them. It was claimed by hurricanes. So they built a second one. That was claimed by hurricanes. So they built a third. That burned down, fell over, then was claimed by hurricanes. But the fourth one stayed up.

During the American Civil War, no one in the city could decide whether they agreed with the North or the South, so straws were drawn and a North (Shirts) vs. South (Skins) battle was arranged between Ft. Barrancas and Ft. Pickens.

Today, Pensacola is known as the Cradle of Naval Aviation thanks to Naval Air Station Pensacola located in the Warrington area of the city. The National Museum of Naval Aviation features such curiosities as Pete "Maverick" Mitchell's bronzed baby shoes, a Wahl Groomsman owned by Nick "Goose" Bradshaw, and a piece of chewing gum chewed by Tom "Iceman" Kazansky. Visitors with strong stomachs can go to the IMAX® Naval Aviation Memorial Theatre and "play with the boys" by watching Maverick's first ever homoerotic volleyball game.

Economy

Much of the economy of Pensacola arrives in the form of monthly Social Security checks, and this regular income provides a sustainable economy throughout the year. During the Spring and Summer, tourism provides an extra economic boon, though aside from the continued retention of Pensacola Beach, city officials barely seem to notice this fact as evidenced by their doing nothing further to take advantage of it.

Pensacola's consumer electronics and car modification industry saw a brief rise in the years 2010-2011 due to cash settlements from the BP corporation paid out to residents eager to forsake their ecological health and long-term economic interests, though little of these funds remain.

Law and Government

The City of Pensacola is governed by an elected City Council with nine seats, two of which are considered "up-for-grabs." The city government reluctantly has an elected mayor; Ashton Hayward.

Politics

The Pensacola area has not knowingly supported any Democrat for any elected position since John F. Kennedy, and only then because he was so darn charming.

The electorate of Pensacola has supported Ron Paul in every presidential election since the year he was born. All denominations of money used in the region sport a photocopy of Paul's face scotch-taped over the president who usually appears there.

Libraries

A source of free DVD's frequently seen being sold on the street by the homeless population.

Geography and climate

The climate of Pensacola is twelve months of humidity and immeasurable heat. Climate records show that temperatures have occasionally dipped into the lower 60's during February, for a period lasting as long as three days. This occurrence has led some residents to speak of a second, "winter" season, though public opinion remains divided. Pensacola, along with the rest of Florida is located under a hurricane the size of Texas for roughly six months out of the year.

Demographics

Population

As of the 2000 census, there were 56,255 residents of Pensacola, though most had to be tricked into admitting it. Pensacola is a little bit country, a little bit rock 'n roll, with a sizable contingent of "Nick at Nite" listeners. At least 110% of the population is over the age of ninety and fewer than two percent would recognize Pokémon if you "collected them all" right under their noses.

Longtime opposition to annexation in the areas surrounding the city has prevented Pensacola from receiving federal funding, though it is totally understandable.

Religion

You had better be Baptist or you're a filthy heathen. Pensacola Christian College is home to roughly five or seven million attractive young ladies who walk down Brent Lane between the college and Cordova Mall, and like decorative soaps, they are nice to look at, but you cannot touch them.

Architecture

Pensacola has as many as 4 buildings which some people have been known to describe as "tall", though a 1990 height restriction law prohibits the construction of any further buildings exceeding 30 feet. This law was put into place to combat a string of neck-strainings occurring in the late 1980's. Local hospitals were under a great deal of financial strain at the time after treating a slew of neck injuries in indigent citizens. It was determined that having been suddenly roused from their ennui by the looming specter of a building exceeding two floors, these weary souls caused excessive strain to be placed upon muscles which had atrophied during extended periods of shoe-gazing.

Education

While well educated in youth, most of Pensacola's population was educated prior to 1945. They may therefore not know half of the countries in modern Europe, half the countries in modern Asia, half the countries in modern Africa, that mankind has been to the moon, anything about computers, nor are they aware that we live in an artificial reality known as the Matrix.

Universities and colleges

Pensacola Christian College (motto: WCWJT? [What Classes Would Jesus Take?])

Pensacola State College (motto: Because your parents would charge rent if you weren't taking classes.)

University of West Florida (motto: Rape any female student you like but don't violate the campus speed limit or there will be consequences.)

Transportation

Aviation

Pensacola is serviced by the aptly named Pensacola Regional Airport, located on the Pensacola State College campus. Flights from this airport routinely cost upwards of $300 more than comparable flights from other airports of the region.

Bus

The ECAT bus system features an annual ridership of up to 80 people looking for a way to get to the free clinic, though is more notably used as a revenue collection service in which distracted drivers are sued by the city for rear-ending buses ordered to strategically stop short on major thoroughfares.

Greyhound bus service is available outbound only.

Bikes

They are pipe bombs.

Predominantly employed by hipsters and the homeless, though who can tell the difference?

Culture

Festivals and events

Though nearly every festival in Pensacola sounds like a "limited-time event" at Red Lobster, there are a very small number of events not related to seafood. The Great Gulf Coast Arts Festival, originally held in July, has since been moved to November to avoid a repeat of the disastrous inaugural year, which saw all of Seville Square immersed in a roiling lake of hot-glue melted by the summer sun. Mardi Gras in Pensacola is so notably boobless as to be barely mentionable, though the Christian music festival Gracefest brings out top-shelf hotties ready to bring a different meaning to Revelations.