Overclocking
“My Mega hurts.”
“Well, my house burned down, my hair is gone and I have to undergo radiation therapy, but dude, I got to 6GHz!!1!!1!11”
“I overclocked my mind once, it was not pretty”
“In Soviet Russia, CPU overclocks YOU!!!”
“Friends don't let friends overclock”
“........whaaaaaaa...???”
Overclocking is a form of taking a drug called coolant. It is not well known because it is well covered up by the computer industry, Kitten Huffers, and geeks. The computer industry managed to create this drug to aid them in creating computers (See Below: Computer Industry).
Methods of overclocking[edit | edit source]
There are some different methods of overclocking. Some are worse than others.
Coolant[edit | edit source]
Many first time users will take whats called "coolant", it is injected into the arm and causes the users brain to overclock up to 10X it's normal speed.
Fanning[edit | edit source]
A street term for when the user first compresses the coolant. This causes up to 80X the normal speed, unfortunately this is 3/4 times a lethal dose.
Driver[edit | edit source]
Sometimes users will use whats called a driver to inject the the coolant. It is common for a user to bring a driver to parties because of how small it is. Sometimes the drivers are patched, in this case they are more hidden.
OCIAC (Overclocking in a can)[edit | edit source]
A popular way to overclock is to buy bios in a can. This normally costs from $80-$120USD. The user then places the coolant into the bios and the user receives a high 90% lethal dose of coolant.
Computer Industry[edit | edit source]
The computer industry is the group of people who created overclocking so that they could get users addicted, the users would morph into computer parts; and they would have a cheep and easy way to create computer parts. There is a small group of individuals who are against the use of computers. They are the ones who made the discoveries behind this information. They claim the use of computers to be unethical and wrong. Every year they raise four million dollars toward their movement. If you wish to contact them they hold an annual meeting in front of Microsoft HQ. They have a few requirements:
- You must be amish
- You must have money
- You must be subject to weekly Brainwashing
Some signs that your child is overclocking[edit | edit source]
The main signs that your child is overclocking is if he/she starts to move at increased speeds, they can also act erratically crashing to the ground or in extreme cases even smoking from the ears. Some signs that your child may be overclocking are in the terms he/she uses. Watch out for the following terms being used in conversation. WARNING: A common tactic they use is to claim they are computer terms
- Sniffing Packets - The container which contains the coolant.
- Ping - the buzz associated with overclocking
- Server - The coolant dealer
- SSH/SSH session - A drug deal
- Brownout - A common term for overdose
- Bios/Overclocking/Driver - See the article
- RootKit - Prostituting to pay for the habit
- Perl/HTML/CGI - The different grades of effects from an overclocking session
- Bash - The stage where the user starts to transform into a computer part
- Slashdot - The act of self mutilation by an individual addicted to overclocking
- On Digg - Computer slang for being high. Eg. "Johnny is on Digg!" (Johnny is probably high on coolant. This friend is likely a bad influence for the child)
If a parent hears any of these terms he/she should talk to the child right away. The child WILL insist that they are computer terms. He/she may even try to show you websites, or software telling you what they are in "computer terms".
Side Effects[edit | edit source]
Some side effects may include:
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Desire to talk in 1337
- Pr0n
- Sexual attraction towards computers, especially Macs
- Seeing dead people
- SEHS
- Masturbating while watching the latest broadcast of Star Trek
- Radiation poisoning
- Fire Farts
If grue attacks occur, consult your nearest armory immediately, as this is a sign of a serious side effect. Overclocking is not for everyone. If you are a nerd, geek, or may become a geek, consult Oscar Wilde before using.
Overclocking Reality[edit | edit source]
According to the 1997 Super Happy OCAU handbook on Computers written by Agg, there is much more to overclock than just computers. Agg suggests overclocking real life things!. Some of the things he suggested to overclock were listed on page 329 and include:
- Overclocking your refrigerator, by putting heatsinks on the gas pipes at the back
- Overclocking your clock. making time appear to be passing by twice as fast!
- Taking near lethal doses of viagra, also referred to as "over-cocking"
- Setting your windows time zone to Antarctica
- Wearing more than one wristwatch ie (one on each wrist is a popular overclock, but the pros have been seen wearing upto four on each arm)
- Removing your friends toothbrush, cutting off the head and gluing it to a pencil, and putting it back (needs source)
- Spreading deep-heat in your mates underwear (or shoes), also referred to as "over-cockcooking" or "the burning feet man"
- Doing speed and seeing everything in fast forward