Oakley
Oakley is an independent company now under new management by the Italian BFF slayyyy besties over at Luxottica. We solely exist to provide bullshit-quality sunglasses which people for some reason rightfully actually think are cool.
History[edit | edit source]
Oakley was founded by Oak Lee in the shithole state of California, just outside of the hellhole that is Los Angeles. Originally a lens company, Oakley made plastic worse-than-Chinese shades which for some reason suckers all across the United States of Canada (eh) and Jesusland actually bought!
In 2007, Luxottica approached Oakley with a very generous buyout offer. Oakley initially decided to (wrongfully) remain independent and threatened to 9/11 Luxottica's headquarters in Milan[citation needed], and to defend itself, Luxottica dropped Oakley from its stores such as LensCrappersCrafters and Sunglass ButtHut. Since Luxottica has a complete monopoly zero market share, it was fairly easy a real challenge for Luxottica to take on the fast-food loving imperialists. Luxottica expectedly unexpectedly was able to actually take on those filthy Americans and crash their stock price! As revenge for the al-Qaeda threats that Oakley made, Luxottica destroyed Oakley by buying them out.[citation needed]
Today, Oakley is much more respectful to their corporate overlords now that they are under proper management. Given that Italians are so good at debt management, Oakley under their besties over in Milan are doing VERY well!
Products[edit | edit source]
PRIZM Lenses[edit | edit source]
Oakley PRIZM lenses are a proprietary lens technology that does absolutely nothing enhances color and contrast to reveal details that would typically be missed by the naked eye. PRIZM lenses are designed for specific activities and environments, such as sex, bar life, drugs, violence, and playing with le titz. They're made of cheap plastic high-quality premium crystalized polycarbonate materials.
Sunglasses[edit | edit source]
Just buy them! They're totally worth it! And waste all your money! You should miss your rent/mortgage payment just to get our sunglasses! They're high quality US assembled! (Made in China)
Criticism[edit | edit source]
No criticism!
More criticism[edit | edit source]
Did you read the criticism section? There is NOTHING WRONG with our products!
Even more criticism[edit | edit source]
what da fuq is wrong with you?
Oakley Uncensored[edit | edit source]
NOTHING TO SEE HERE!!!