Nick Wilder

Note: Reading below this line may cause irreperable stupidity. You have been warned.

Nick Wilder was born in 1987 to a Welsch family living in a cardboard box on the corner of Fifth and Madison.

When he turned seventeen he said his first words, leading to much excitement in his family. His mother Millie recalls, "When little Nicky first uttered 'Careful with that axe Eugene' we were terribly proud. To be perfectly honest, I pissed myself in excitement and his father fell into a gutter."

At this point in the interview, his father chimed in with some sort of indistinct gibberish. Here are the more decipherable of the sounds which emerged from his facehole, "Mlem mikkye... jarff snarfog leeunnuk.... marksemreallygood."

Better times

His life soon took a turn for the better. Nick got a waitressing job at a local Hooters. As he explains it, "I was always liftin' books and things of that sort, not really for a job though. I just liked liftin' books. And remember kids, lift with your legs and not with your back. You could really screw yourself up that way. Liftin' with your back that is, not with your legs. I wouldn't want anybody to screw themselves up tryin' to do it backwards 'cause that would just be terrible. Let's go get drunk."

Nick's ass

Apparently, all this book liftin' caused his butt to become rather round and firm. "Squattin' does an ass good," as Nick is so fond of saying.

In any case, Nick's ass was nice enough for the managers at Hooters to overlook the fact that he had no Hooters to speak of, his legs were the hairiest they'd ever seen and his penis was... Well, he had a penis, unlike any of the WOMEN already working as waitresses there.

At first the waitresses already working there sent a great deal of animosity his way, but he soon made friends with pretty much all of them. He gained their trust by offering free handagrams (mammagrams done with his hands) despite the fact that he had no training in the medical field. When asked about it by his supervisor, Nick's simple response was, "If I can't do my part to help my fellow women... What can I do?" The eloquence of Nick's words convinced his supervisor to let him continue his work. Nick soon moved on to gammagrams (leg examinations) anagrams (butt examinations) and vaginagrams (if you can't figure that one out then you're a bloody idiot). He even set a world record by medically examining the most women in one day without using his hands.