Mutton chops
“Hair, sexy. Side burns, sexier. Mutton chops, more erotic than an overtly cryptic tofu!”
Mutton Chops (pronounced: Muh-tuhn -tchaw-psss) is a prestigious facial hair styling donned by members of middle and upper class adults worldwide. The mutton chops are characterized by long sideburns connected to a moustache section OR a full beard minus the chin part. Some professionals protest that the side burn/moustache combination should be referred to as the "Franz Joseph", but they are just a bunch of pot-smoking, aerosol-huffing, spandex-wearing, radical right-wing Nuns that wouldn't know a good time if it crawled up their Nun-dresses and bit them on the asshole (much in the same manner a Japanese Yōkai, or 妖怪, would do if the opportunity presented itself.) The true version of muttons are just the side burn part, but who really wants that? What would Jesus do? He wouldn't be a pussy. He would grow a moustache to go along with his sideburns (and he did). If you really want to be hip you have to go for the gold and the gold demands a moustache.
The Birth of Mutton Chops[edit | edit source]
There has been wide speculation over the actual origin of the mutton chops style. Of the thousands of theories out there, only a few have enough logical thought behind them to make sense. All the rest are as comprehensible as a retard with diarrhea coming out of his/her mouth.
The Jesus Theory[edit | edit source]
The most widely accepted and most believable theory on the origin of mutton chop styling is "The Jesus Theory". The Jesus Theory revolves around the idea that Jesus invented mutton chops as one of his first miracles.
When God invented the world 2000 years ago he put his oopsy-oops in the naughty hole of a cryptic cryptic little virgin named Joseph. Their offspring's name was Jesus, a name that was high on God's list of favorite baby names. Their little baby boy had magical powers and with them he performed "miracles".
Hailed as Jesus's first miracle, mutton chops were invented sometime between the year 1 A.D. and 4 A.D. As Jesus grew up his abnormal facial hair caused an uproar in the Jewish population, but all the Nazareth bitches were trying to get all up on that (and Jesus dutifully supplied the demand.)
The term, "Mutton Chops" came about from the fact that Jesus's man-bitches could not effectively grow sideburns. Therefore they would adhere pieces of sheep meat (mutton) to their faces to achieve the countenance they desired. This is why sheep meat is still used today as a fashionable alternative to hair.
Then, somewhere toward the end of his life, Jesus died. He was killed in an accident at the gun powder mill at which he worked. And something that should not have been forgotten was lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for 1800 years mutton chops passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.
Charles Darwin, Social Darwinism, and Mutton Chops[edit | edit source]
Charles Darwin put in his two cents to the origin of Mutton Chops. He declared that single celled organisms that everything evolved from were hair organisms, Mutton Chop hair organisms, actually. Therefore the common misconception that Christians have that Darwin thought we came from fish is complete bullfucking assgiblets. What he really said was that we came from big side burns. This explains how mutton chops evolved biologically, but what about the social aspects of mutton chops? This is where Social Darwinism jumps in to explain the rest with no gray area whatsoever.
Although Social Darwinism contains Darwin's name, he had no personal affiliation with the theory. Mutton Chop Darwinism was theorized by sociologist, Herbert Spencer. Spencer, a man with a very sexually arousing set of mutton chops, insisted that mutton chops are a social exercise that was preserved through the generations because it is a vertebrae of the backbone of every strong civilization. His theory suggested that although the side burn style was not always at the fore front of society's focus, it was always retained within human instinct. And the fact that the mutton chops reemerged in the 1800s can be attributed to a natural cycle of Social ADD.
The Rediscovery of Mutton Chops[edit | edit source]
In 1824 Saint Ambrose "Ol' Bernie McButterscotch" Burnside (the patron Saint of Colloquial Speech) was born in Bumblefuck, Indiana. His mother's name, ironically, was Joseph McJesus and his father's name was God Burnside. In infancy Ambrose discovered a shitty beat-up scroll giving details about the facial hair of Jesus. Acting as a prophet of Mutton Chops he started his journey toward facial hair enlightenment. St. Burnside's sideburns benefited him greatly as he grew up and they even got him into the United States military as an armored steamboat captain. Friends knew him as "Ol' Burnie McButterscotch" (because of his outrageous, and often times uncontrollable, fetish with butterscotch) and his enemies knew him as the dreaded United States military pirate, "Captain Weird Beard".
With numerous victories under his belt including the American Civil War and his strategic steamboat maneuvering at the Battle of the Alamo, St. Burnside found himself in the middle of Burnside hysteria. Starting in the fall of 1865 no matter where you looked you would find Burnside's portrait and his trademark mutton chops. Inevitably many males that had gone through puberty and some females with abnormal testosterone levels mimicked the facial hair style. Soon the orgasmic look stretched across the globe into Africa and Asia and once again became more popular than pogo sticks and heterosexual relations. With a new sense of pride and acceptance, Ol' Bernie Butterscotch made the mistake of relaying how he saw his success. At one particular press conference Burnside blurted out, "I'm more popular than Jesus." Jesus, ever quick with a comeback, killed St. Burnside with a lightning bolt immediately. Since no one was around to carry these magnificent things, Jesus assigned them to Marvin Van Buren, who became the patron saint of mutton chops.
Even with the name of Mutton Chops tarnished by Burnside's words Pope Jim Hanson decided to make him a Saint for some reason. Also the trend of mutton chops was too out of hand to be stopped and like a Nazi war machine it took over Europe. With much ease the fabulous facial hair entered the 20th Century.
Modern Age of Mutton Chops[edit | edit source]
Mutton Chops remained nearly unchanged for much of the early 20th century. Through the years 1900 to 1939 the majestic side burn style started to lose some of it's, how would you say...pracht. With the introduction of moving pictures it was becoming more imperative that the Communists running Hollywood recharged America's thirst for facial hair.
Enter the 1939 classic film: The Wizard of Oz
Written around Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, The Wizard of Oz focuses on a teenager's LSD trip into a magical world of little people, psychedelic landscapes, and a couple of very strategically placed mutton chops. Needless to say the movie was a hit and the world was once again thrown into Mutton Chop Mania. Between 1939 and 1950 everyone living continued to watch The Wizard of Oz repetitively, non-stop. Soon, in the 1950s, televisions became affordable to most American's.
A New Presidential Strategy
In the first ever broadcast Presidential debate between Richard "Dickhead" Nixon and the suave John "I'm-Catholic-but-I'm-Cool" F. Kennedy it was apparent who had properly prepared themselves for the public eye.
Notice how JFK is cool, calm, and collected. He looks rather secure and level headed with his gorgeous black chops. Then look at Nixon... what a douche bag. How dare he mock Americans with that very Hitler-like moustache. It is safe to say that JFK won that election based entirely on his muttons. Nixon was a Dick, in more than one way.
The next Presidential candidate to recognize the power of Mutton Chops as an excellent campaign tactic was the marvelous James Earl Carter. Some say that Jimmy Carter had the largest chops ever recorded in the history of the world. As a young boy Jimmy learned the art of mutton from his
peanut farmer father, George Washington Carter. On a diet of peanuts and raw lamb meat, Jimbo was admitted to the prestigious Lambchop School of Peanutry and Related Sciences. There he learned the history of facial hair and the economic importance of peanuts. Armed with this knowledge he entered the world of politics at the age of 10. By the age of 15 he was the governor of Georgia. On December 12, 1974, after a week-long heroin and crystal meth binge, Carter announced his plans to run for President. At the time of his announcement he was a relatively unknown Governor in the ragingly racist south.
In order to beef up for the public eye Carter started injecting steroids and using hair growth products on his sideburns. In no time at all, Jim was a 250 pound bodybuilder with the most impressive mutton chops seen in Columbus' new world. His hard work paid off and he easily beat the Nixon-pardoning asshole, Gerald Ford, in the 1977 election.