Music rating system
“Dude, like, I put this like, CD in, to like, you know, listen to it? And it was 2 out of 5 man. I was so like, you know. Shocked. I couldn't believe I totally liked bad music.”
“This isn't praise. I'm sorry, but it just isn't.”
Listening No Longer Required In Forming Opinions On Music (LNLRIFOOM)[edit | edit source]
Music rating systems (heretofore referred to as MRS) are a relatively recent and innovative (not to mention entirely necessary) development for various media players available on personal computers for users of the 21st Century.
MRS was introduced in order to ensure that nobody would ever have to listen to bad music again, by definitively rating all songs and or albums on a five star basis. Research has shown that many people, prior to the introduction of MRS, were in fact listening to music of such low standards that it is thought to have caused haemorrhaging of the brain, leading to a decrease in sexual activity, a predilection to wear loud shirts, and death. The process of implementation for MRS was sped up to a frantic level of development when it was discovered that 68.925% of those listening to bad music didn't even realise what they were listening to was actually utterly crap.
With funds donated by various music critics and connoisseurs to the Aural Institute for Developing Standards (AIDS), MRS is now present in approximately three thirds of available media players, with one or two minor exceptions.
RMS Praised For Its Free-Thinking Approach[edit | edit source]
As incidents of death and deteriorating dress-sense dwindled, along with the damage done by the absence of a reliable method of assessing the aural quality of a piece of music, music listeners' praise for RMS burgeoned to the extent that it became a conscious entity, and left to become a competitor on American Idol (unfortunately, it subsequently lost).
"The thing to remember during all this," says AIDS chairman Ludz Bachhoven, "is that music is above all things not at all subjective in any way, shape or form. The fact that the CD to which you are listening is in your drive because you like the music on it, which is the reason for which you are listening to the CD in the first place is entirely besides the point. AIDS recommends that a CD must have a rating of at least three and a half stars out of five. Anything below must immediately be removed and destroyed. You risk death by doing otherwise, I would remind you."
To ensure the propagation of decent tastes in music of the consumers of the music industry, most media players have been programmed to execute an emergency protocol in the event of an album with a rating of zero stars being inserted into the disc-drive. On verifying that the CD contains highly hazardous bad music, the programme ejects the CD at speed, aiming it at the nearest surface so that it is deflected back at the user who is then decapitated, in a fitting tribute to Darwinism.
Music Rating System Advanced (MRSA)[edit | edit source]
On the 1st of April 2012 AIDS announced the inception of a further development in MRS: MRSA. MRSA aims to rate 90.5% of music probably worth listening to prior to release, further negating the possibility that the general public will come into contact with bad music. Potential Nobel Prize winner Ludz Bachhoven had this to say: "What the hell do you mean the acronym also stands for some kind of disease? Who cares? This MRSA is positive, end of." Bachhoven also spoke in great detail about a specialised music label for good music to be released under, as well as about selective quotes that had nothing to do with what he actually said, making him seem incompetent. "Don't quote me on that," he said, "This is all off the record."