Memoirs of a Geisha
“The special effects & little Asian guy blood will totally blow your mind”
Memoirs of a Geisha is a porn movie which is deemed to be an all-age and work-safe one. Geisha derives from the ancient Persian emperor Darius the Great. He was in fact gay and he was a shah. The movie was supposed to portray the life of Darius, but was changed when the same person who created the lyrics for "Sk8ter Boi" got hold of the title & applied their gooder English skills to the script. Now the movie is set in the 23rd century while a Japanese geisha girl has her memory wiped by the government. Due to budget restraints, the original, 200lb actor (Noodle mai Fun) who was set to play Darius was cast as the geisha girl as well. In addition, the makeup crew spent their last $5 on a coffee at Starbucks, so permanent marker was used to black out the geisha's teeth instead of removable paint. The actor says he might be playing giesha roles more often now...
Plot sypnosis
Noodle mai Fun, who plays Mina Mei, stars along side Arnold Schwarzenegger in this incredible sci-fi action hit box office buster film. Set in 2256, Memoirs of a Geisha shows how Mina Mei's life is suddenly turned around when Chop Suie-2000 (Arnie baby...) arrives in her home/brothel. Chop Suie tells Mina that he has arrived from the future & has been sent to protect her from the Japanese government & that they must leave immediately because evil orchestra music was now playing to signal the entrance of a baddy. No sooner had they left than an army of evil little stunties (Japanese businessmen) arrive at her home, killing the rest of the geishas/prosistutes to get information. In true baddy style, the leader (later revealed to be from the government & called Shogawa Minimoto) of the Japanese businessmen, who is shorter that all the rest & can't say his "L's" too good, grabs a dying geisha to extract information. When she refuses to speak, he produces an Ipod full of Japanese pop songs & she quickly tells him Cop Suie & Mina have escaped to Tokyo. Two of the leader's business men then snap the geisha's neck using their thumbs. As the businessmen leave the scene, the brothel is seen up in flames.
Meanwhile, Chop Suie & Mina have escaped to Tokyo by shinkansen (bullet train), which means four hours later they arrive. Chop Suie scans the area around them to search for government agents, the evil businessmen, yakuza & Hello Kitty products to bring home for his niece in 2310.
After the pair find a quiet spot in a Mac Donalds some inches away, they find the time to explain the plot for the dumass public:
"Why are those businessmen after me?" - Mina.
"Because you have information in your brain that could help the government in destroying its opponents" - Chop Suie.
"Have I been living a false life after a memory implant that the government placed in my skull to keep me quiet about some ginourmous secret which now they really want to kill me for?" - Mina.
"Yes. And your black book of clients so they can see if Jones from accounting really did tap that ass..." - Chop Suie.
"And why are you here?" - Mina.
"I am from the future, sent by a group of rebels intent on overturning the government's plans. The leader of the rebels is your son." - Chop Suie.
"But I don't have a son." - Mina.
"I have also been sent to impregnate you. If not, the government will succeed in their future plans." - Chop Suie.
"But then if you are from the future how did my son send you the first time because he sent you to get me pregnant. You're his father, so how could a son send his own father to make sure he was conceived? I'm confused..." - Mina.
"God lady, what's a cyborg gotta do to get laid round here?" - Chop Suie.
The subsequent scene of the pair "doing-it" in a Hello Kitty store was deleted from the final production, but can still be seen as an easter egg on the DVD special features disc. The scene was instead replaced with Chop Suie (Yes, still Arnie...) buying one Hello Kitty backpack, one Hello Kitty rain jacket, one Hello Kitty lunch box set & one Hello Kitty plush puss "I-wet-the-bed" cuddly doll. Chop Suie insists this is for his niece, although the jacket's chest size is 40 inches. "She's a very mature 11 year old" Chop Suie insists.
But no sooner had Chop Suie put on his back pack & jacket & tried to leave had the toy shop owner locked the doors & taken off his pink kimono to reveal an Order of the Hello Kitty Ninja suit (TM) complete with it's member's seal. "He must belong to the fan club, damn." Chop Suie leaps into action against the ninja. Meanwhile, two other Hello Kitty ninjas have entered the fray from their hiding places on the toy shelves. Brandishing a Hello Kitty bubble maker (TM), Chop Suie immobilizes the first ninja with a flurry of grape bubbles & kills the next with a blast of orange. However, the last ninja knocks out the cyborg with a Hello Kitty tranquilizer dart (TM). After Chop Suie is down onto a bed of fallen Hello Kitty dolls, the ninja karate chops Mina & take her back to the government's headquarters.
Mina awakens to find herself strapped to a chair in a government agent's office with Shogawa Minimoto hovering next to her. She screams for help, but is immediately sedated & frontally labotamized in order to find those memories the government wanted. During this painful procedure, the viewing public is treated to some amusing dream sequences, while in reality, Mina's screaming could be heard in Costa Rica.
Meanwhile, a few yards away in the holding cell of the building, Chop Suie is being beaten by more Hello Kitty ninjas wielding My Little Pony hair brushes (TM). Chained & bleeding oil, Chop Suie struggles to break free before they bring in the government torturer, Takashi Crapimoto singing kareoke songs by Britney Spears. But his attempts are useless & Takashi enters the room on his mega kareoke machine. He powers it up & plays the records Britney Spears made us slash our wrists with the first time round. Even more distrubing is his exposed midrift. This time however, the songs are used with deadly effect & Chop Suie's brain malfunctions into making him believe he's in a Spear's music video. However, when Takashi enters his grand finale, the kareoke machine's lights go into hyper-mode & awaken a subliminal chip embedded in Chop Suie's mother board, sending him into overdrive. This results with Chop Suie destroying his chains & throttling Takashi with his own microphone cord. Just for good measure, Chop Suie gouges his eyes & tongue out to send a message to all other kareoke singers.
Bursting into the frontal labotamy room just as Minmoto is about to extract those thoughts from Mina's brain, Chop Suie rips the office open & throws Minimoto out the window & unties Mina. The following scene of the pair "doing-it" on the frontal labotamy chair was deleted from the final production & was not placed on the DVD as an easter egg as the director thought we'd seen enough of Arnie's ass for one lifetime. However, Fran from editing saw it fit to confiscate the material for "disposal".
Before the final credits, Mina & Chop Suie are seen making friends with the evil businessmen by getting them all drunk on sake. Before long, the whole crowd is half naked & singing Bee Gees songs. While they are in this voulnerable state, Chop Suie kills them all with his bubble gun before riding off into the sunset/artificial lights of Tokyo with Mina.
Box office earnings
Although the film was a hit in Lesotho & Fiji, Memoirs of a Geisha was a tiny blip (blip....blip....blip) on the box office screen everywhere else. The Descrimination of Asian People, Property & Yaks (DAPPY) agency was abhored with the film stating: "No way is Japanese kareoke that bad, but good job on making that lard ass man look good in a kimono...". Hardcore Arnie fans (Ooooo yeah Arnie!) resented the fact that the film was silimilar to his previous works (Sperminator, Sperminator 2 & Turtle Recall) by being set in Tokyo, China too. Other than those reasons, most people were too freaked by the fact that Tom Cruise isn't impotent to come see the movie. The film's budget was $2 million, & it grossed $1 million dollars worth of Fijian shells & $500,000 worth of guerilla bullets & machetes in Lesotho. In other countries it made under $400 in $20, $50 & $99.95 counterfiet notes.
Trivia
- This film boosted the career of what's his name who played that extra in that movie directed by what's his face.
- Only a couple of animals were hurt in the making of this film. All the rest were humainly euthenised.
- This movie spurred a copy-cat killer who terrorized Washington DC with a maniacal Hello Kitty bubble gun (TM) killing spree. His MO was using the banana flavour.
- The events in the film were not actually factual, even though it could be entirely possible for a cyborg to bleed oil.
- The evil government agents were played by workers from the Japanese IRD. Takashi was played by the current Japanese Idol.
- Arnie says during the movie "Asta la vista baby" when everyone knows this line actually comes from another movie cyborg - C3PO!
References
- The dum ass movie you idiot.....
- P. Off. (2005). 1002 movies that looked really good, but were crap... Shite publishings.
- P. Off. (2005). 1002 movies that looked really good, but were crap, & starred Arnie (Arnie baby, Arnie!) & were named Memoirs of a Geisha... Shite publishings.