MACHOs and WIMPs

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No, not this Macho.
Not this wimp, either.
dafuq is he doing here?

“Don't go to the rumble.”

~ A wimp

MACHOs (massive compact halo objects) are celestial objects that like to beat up WIMPs (weakly interacting massive particles). The RAMBOs (robust associations of massive baryonic objects) are an allied gang for the MACHOs. Their gang-rivalry has been going on since the creation of the universe.

Beginnings[edit]

6000-and-more years ago, God made the universe. Soon afterward, as the stars moved into place, the MACHOs and WIMPs came into being. Almost immediately they declared war. The MACHOs claimed that they were stronger, so they should have all the stars. The WIMPs claimed that they were nicer, so they deserved the stars. A gang fight began that has not ended since.

Battle for Alpha Centauri[edit]

One day, circa 1500, Alpha Centauri was looking especially beautiful. She was very shiny, so shiny that she hypnotized all who looked upon her. So, a WIMP looked upon her and fell in love. Unfortunately, a MACHO stood close by, ready to attack, as he had also become infatuated. So each celestial object called upon his friends to start this rumble! So the rumble started, and just as everyone thought, the MACHOs were stronger, and so at first the WIMPs were all like, "I want my mommy!" But then, suddenly, a MACHO crossed over to the WIMP side!

This MACHO totally pummeled the other MACHOs, and as gratitude for his assistance, the WIMPs decided to "share" Alpha Centauri with him. So everyone was happy... for now.

Turf war[edit]

Around 1650, the WIMPs were in possession of Venus. The MACHOs had Jupiter. These guys wanted to take possession of Venus so as to lord it over the WIMPs that their territory would now comprise the inner planets. So the MACHOs called upon the RAMBOs for assistance. But at that moment the RAMBOs just weren't feeling it. They were like, "Fuck you guys! We don't want to fight a turf war today!" The MACHOs then decided to... "persuade" them a little bit. "If you don't fight in our war, you won't get any chicks when we win!" That was enough to shut them up, for the RAMBOs had become desperate after 300 years of dry spells.

A WIMP had heard this plan, so he proceeded to kill all the girls in his possession, thereby creating a supernova and removing any and all incentive to even have a turf war.

A truce?[edit]

In 1870, Betelgeuse, woman of the WIMPs, and Rigel, who belonged to the MACHOs, tried to persuade their gangsters to shut the fuck up, at least temporarily. The RAMBOs, who at this time were neutral, agreed. So together they formed their own little alliance and said, "No sex for you! If you continue this stupid war, the RAMBOs will beat you all up!"

Well, that wasn't very well-thought-out. The stars' proposition so angered the MACHOs and WIMPs that they all ganged up on the RAMBOs, stopping just short of hurting the ladies. As a result, Betelgeuse and Rigel forever abandoned any effort at reconciling the MACHOs and WIMPs.

Present day[edit]

At present, the war between MACHOs and WIMPs has been inactive for so long that all human observers have forgotten their existence, if it ever really existed. You see, MACHOs, WIMPs, and RAMBOs have been hypothetical all along! Nobody knows if they really exist, and there is no way of knowing for sure! Major letdown for any astrophysicists out there, am I right, ladies? LOLOLOLOLOL