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Longinus was a Greek poet, philosopher, break dancer, and all around guru. Although notable for several great works Longinus is best known for his pioneering work in great pick-up lines, and the underground practice of kitten huffing, recorded in the great Greek epic Kitten Huffing for Dummies. Due to his long, slender, curvacious Rosemary Clooney-legs he had developed from years of rigorous break dancing, Longinus quickly gained the reputation for being able to produce the world's longest mangina, thus acquiring the name "Longinus" from local women (whores) in the ancient Greek society. He lived from 221 BC to 254 BC.
Longinus was born in the small Spartan village of Katatinosidaballete, near the capital of Sparta. His father having died during child birth, Longinus slightly-insane mother Villma, forbidden to marry by Spartan law, tried to fill the empty void in her heart with kittens. It is in this fur covered and foul smellinig (but undeniably cute looking environment) that Longinus likely first stumbled upon the practice of kitten huffing. Although not the first to discover this practice (The first recorded kitten huffer is Artemus of Capadocia), Longinus would forward the technique and popularity of kitten huffing, laying the foundation for such pioneers as This Guy.
Little else is known of Longinus' childhood, however some suspect a prank letter he wrote (little more then a crayon scrawl) may have inedvertently caused the Battle of Troy.
Great Works written about childhood/child rearing:
- Seven ways to spank and not leave incriminating bruises
- Snufflewuss, the happy kitty (A child's guide to kitten huffing)
- How to teach without revealing your own ignorance
- Children are like pets: Feed them often
Education and Life
At the age of 8 Longinus was enrolled in a private school in Athens to prevent him from being drafted into the Spartan Army. It is here that Longinus first brought the practice of kitten huffing to the general public, as it is about this time that historical documents record a spike in kitten sales. It is widely believed that it was in school, while learning of the great Olympian Gods that Loginus began to broaden his studies from break dancing to philosophy and poetry. Aided by the mental alteration and euphoria caused by huffed kittens that Longinus began to record some of his ground-breaking philosophies and epic poems. One of the great examples of his mind-opening works include his epic Parbella Luminos (translated: "The Sun is Really Really Bright"), and excerpt of which is included here:
The sun is really really bright
It hurts my eyes to look at it
I wish sunglasses were invented by now
Then I would look really cool
Although likely the best example of his non-kitten related work, Longinus nonetheless left behind a great body of non-kitten work, although nobody really cares about it (unless they've been huffing kittens lately).
Great Works before kitten-huffing obsession:
- Why pillars are round
- Spartan, Athenian, Helian...it's all Greek to me (A roadmap to peace in Greece).
- Greece or Grease?
- The subtle differences between Rome and Greece
- I'm better then Plato and Socrates and Homer put together: An official autobiography of Longinus
- This statement is a lie: Great paradoxes of stuff...uh...yah (Although unrelated to kitten-huffing, this work was almost entirely written while severely influenced by kitten)
- A guide to great Athenian cuisine
Longinus was known for having many, many women (but no men, despite Oscar Wilde's best efforts), however he never settled down. In fact, he never spent more then one week with any given woman, as he found the majority of Greek women that were into kitten-huffing rarely had anything interesting to say after the first week. So after a long and fruitless search, Longinus settled into a life of pure hedonism (e.g. pure happyness). Of course, this was ancient Greece, and Longinus orgied with the best of them. In fact, he is often attributed to have participated in the biggest orgy of the ancient world. Although a hedonist and lifelong bachelor, many historians note that Longinus was a romantic at heart, as many fossilized ancient letters show that women to dated him had the best week of there lives, before having their asses dumped for something younger, getting really depressed, and then becoming butch lesbians (Historians note this is likely the case with the great Greek poet/lezbo Sappho).
Great Works on the subject of Dating:
- Really Great Pick-Up Lines: Volume I
- Really Great Pick-Up Lines: Volume II
- Women are from Sparta, men are from Troy
- My Trojan Horse, your Troy Gate (erotica)
- The Genteel Art of the 10 Hour Orgy
As his poetry grew more mind-opening and philosophical Longinus began to think more and more about the source of his inspiration, kittens. It was at this time, between the age of 24 and his death at the age of 33 that Longinus made his great strides in the theory and science of recreational kitten huffing. One the great and enduring theories Longinus produced at this time was the notion that the euphoria caused by kitten huffing was from the consumption of the kitten's soul. It was also at this time that Longinus made strides in kitten huffing techniques including the use of primitive huffing bowls, the open handed puffing technique, and the discovery that the hand cup method worked on the front end the cat (previously kittens had been huffed from the rear). This discovery saved many lives (as poison control had not been invented yet) however came too late for Longinus, whom died from accumulated poison from incorrect rear-end kitten huffing at the tender age of 33, just weeks before the publication of his magnum opus Kitten Huffing for Dummies.
Great Works written about kitten huffing:
- Kitten Huffing for Dummies
- Really Cool Colours I Have Seen (published posthumously)
Debate continues to rage amongst the kitten-huffing community as to who was the greater philosopher and huffing-pioneer, Longinus or This Guy. Although widely acknowledged as founding much of the basic principles of kitten-huffing, This Guy is often considered to have contributed more to modern kitten-huffing. Although, one must acknowledge that This Guy, like the Isaac Newton of kitten-huffing, based much of his work on Longinus' early discoveries and theories. Perhaps had he lived past 33 Longinus would have contributed far more to the world, yet he still stands today as a great and noble figure in history.