Liberty Bell
The Liberty Bell is an increasingly waste of space located in God's warzone (otherwise known as Philadelphia) and has dragged in tens of tourists every year to see what a city truly has left after most of their pride is washed away after realizing their fragile team will never be able to win another Super Bowl.
No Philadelphian will ever spend the time looking at a bell in the same place where they get dragged to work doing overtime because their boss is a stingy rat, but hey, you gotta teach the kids a fun lesson about history and mass genocide by showing them this shit-colored brass thingamajig that doesn't even do what it used to do.
History[edit | edit source]
It was the 1700s, and the MURICANS were getting real pissy about spending extra pieces of cloth on leaf water. They had to do something fast, so they threw a bunch of boxes of the sweet fluid into a bunch of water, which really showed those stupid fuckin' bri'ish people.
A guy named George Washington was all like "Okay, I get that the British people suck major balls but we need something to make us feel more superior to a kingdom that controls half the globe." Then all his white-wigged freaks of friends talked about it, and they all agreed to take whatever looks cool and turn it into a monument. Obviously, Benjamin Franklin hadn't invented bifocals yet because they took down their bell and threw it out onto the street.
Eventually, the MURICANS created a paper called The Declaration of Independence – kinda like the rules in Fight Club but with words the average Pennsylvanian can't comprehend and no Brad Pitt. The United States of America was officially formed and everybody was happy (except for blacks, Latinos, women, native Americans, Chinese people, Irish people, and anyone who didn't have the last name "Smith" or a color of the monochrome rainbow).
Today, the Liberty Bell reminds us of all the racial slurs we shouted at everyone who wasn't the same skin color as the president at the time, and the irreversible creation of a horrifyingly dominant capitalist regime that sucks in millions of people every day. And while you're at it, how about buying that new McDonald's meal from the celebrity everybody simultaneously cares and doesn't care about?
The crack[edit | edit source]
The Liberty Bell's only interesting feature was caused by the 18th-century equivalent of U-Haul® when the bell fell out of a cart and over a cliff, sustaining a crack down the middle. Many celebrated, but only until they saw the bell was still alive.
