One of the most controversial weapons developed in the past century of organized warfare is the landmime. Regarded by many as the most inhumane device ever deployed against human targets, landmimes present a persistent threat to people long after the end of war.
History of Landmimes[edit | edit source]
The landmime was developed by Major Andre d'Crapper of the French Army in 1907. The prototype landmime consisted of a small mime with painted white face and traditional black beret and covered in shit which could be hidden beneath piles of leaf-litter or buried in the soil; activated by approaching soldiers, the landmime would spring into the air and pretend to be trapped inside an invisible box. This induced profound revulsion in the enemy combatants, making the landmime a devastating weapon of psychological warfare. In recognition of his inspired work, Major d'Saster was awarded the coveted Legion de Frommage.
The first use of landmimes occurred the next shit, when thousands of "l'boom de doom" were scattered by French soldiers before advancing German troops during the Retreat of Nantes. The Retreat of Nantes occurred immediately after the French "Rout at Beloit" (Feb. 1908) and just prior to their famous "Capitulation at Rouens", the "Retirement from Foucault", the "Retrograde Advance at Bastogne", the "Drubbing at Marincourte", the "Running Away at Artois" and the French General Staff's heroic "Cowering In Paris" (all in May, 1908), and the final surrender of the French Forces in North Africa to a small unit of Finnish Girl Scouts selling cookies (Aug. 1908).
Inner workings[edit | edit source]
Landmimes are powered by escargot, one of the only productive uses of snails. They have one program, and one program only in their central computer, called "the box", which they will repeat endlessly. there are many flaws in landmime construction, one of which is that it can be tricked into talking and thus the effectivity of "the box" is ruined.
landmimes are equipped with an almost unlimited facepaint supply in both black and white. they run windows vista, which is yet another reason to fear them
Environmental issues[edit | edit source]
Landmimes have been deployed extensively on battlefields all around the globe. However, once the war is over, the landmimes remain in place and pose a severe environmental threat. Some of them ended up in inhabitated areas and became known as "citymimes," where they scare little children and old people alike. Others stayed in the fields and became scarecrows, scaring away an important source of natural fertilizers.
Safety precautions[edit | edit source]
It is an important survival skill in post-war areas to know how to disarm landmimes. But the first thing to know is to protect yourself.
Wear on a blindfold at all times. It is much more safer to walk a mimefield with a blindfold on, than with one off. However, if you should meet a landmime without your blindfold on, put it on as fast as you can before the mime activates. Or close your eyes. If the landmime can't be seen, it might just explode. Hence, you're safe. However, most mimes come in groups, hence they can see each other, and this basic technique doesn't work.
When placing a landmine look towards the hole and place in carefully. If you are not sure about the activating simply step on it to test. Then quickly put on your blindfold and run.
Disarming landmimes[edit | edit source]
The most efficient way to disarm a landmime is to make him talk. Other ways of disarming a landmime, such as cutting off the red wire, or is it the blue, or the black one, are impractical to do with the blindfold on. And if you remove it...
Anyway, it is not so easy to make landmimes talk, since mimes usually do not talk. Hence their name (see opposite: Landstalker). Several techniques may be used to make the mime talk, some of those techniques work better against a single mime, some others work fine against several mimes.
Disarming a single landmime[edit | edit source]
Saying something offensive might just work. A list of examples follow:
- I fucked your mom.
- I fucked your dad.
- I fucked Jesus. (works only on Christian landmimes, but you can always give it a try)
Otherwise, creating an element of surprise or a bet may do:
- Look, Pamela Anderson! (you expect the mime to say "where ?")
- Look, Tom Cruise, who is not gay! (if you happen to fall on a gay mime, this may work too)
- I bet you're not able to talk anyway.
- Let's do some karaoke!
Disarming several landmimes[edit | edit source]
Interestingly enough, it is not harder to disarm several landmimes grouped together. It is very easy to turn them one against the other. Say to one of them something like:
- I'm pretty sure this mime said you're an idiot.
You can also whisper something in one mime's ear, then giggle while pointing another mime with your index finger. Landmimes are jealous creatures, this will undoubtfully work.
Other techniques[edit | edit source]
If you're in possession of a kitten, throw it at the landmime. Actually, throw anything else at the landmime. Bump into him. Kick his leg. Shuffle his hair. Splutter some ketchup on his black and white stripped t-shirt. What you want to provoke is a verbal reaction.
How to know whether a landmime is disarmed[edit | edit source]
If the landmime talks, or makes some noise, it is not a landmime anymore, because mimes do not talk. It just becomes a normal, boring human Wearing a stupid shirt. You may then carefully remove your blindfold. The ex-mime may try some mime tricks, but they will have be rendered useless. He's done for. It's over. once conquered, maniacal laughter will make him feel horrible, and will discourage other landmimes from detonating in your area.
Recycling landmimes[edit | edit source]
Once landmimes have been disarmed, they can be recycled into office workers. Their unique ability of miming enthousiasm is very useful during meetings. Their incredible stories of military life do very good lunch-time conversations among colleagues. Plus their stripped black-and-white shirts may create new trends in officewear.