Kolchak: The Night Stalker

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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kolchak: The Night Stalker.

Karol Kolchak ("Carl" to the yanks) is, contrary to popular belief, not some dirty old man who stalks women in the dead of night, but a (literally) dirty old newspaper reporter who just happens to be the most annoying newspaper reporter ever. What do you expect from the "Independant News Service"?

Career at INS[edit | edit source]

Kolchak is one of the few reporters, along with The gay guy, the fat old lady, and the huge, irritable boss at the Independant News Service. He is also the best which isn't saying much at all really. This is proven by the fact that he gets all the good stories, although he frequently shuns these good stories to go search for some random monster, much to the chagrin of his boss Tony Soprano, who fires him often. Strangely enough though, he always comes in whistling at 4:00 in the morning, throws his hat at nothing in particular and types up the same damn story every day, perhaps because his adventures are just that monotonous, perhaps because he's just a senile old man, or perhaps because the noise of him chewing his Kellogs Raisin Bran Crunch blocked out the insane yelling of his boss firing him. Whatever the reason, about one minute after he begins typing, things just seem to freeze up around him, maybe to create dramatic effect, maybe because he's on too much medication.

Upon starting the day like this, Kolchak would proceed to receive his assignment from Tony, only to shirk it later for some story about voodoo or something.

Kolchak would end the day on a relative high note, facing down the said monster and killing it in a suspenseful span of about 4 minutes. Later depressedly talking of this and how the monster melted or something before returning to INS and keeping the non-report to himself.

Every night Kolchak would face off with a monster, usually coming home unharmed but covered in some dirt or sticky substance. The monster would at most times would totally melt or disintegrate, providing a credible alibi as to why Kolchak never has evidence of any conflict after the fact, and why Kolchak never mentions weekly "encounters" again (They all become a repetitive blur after a while, once you've done one, you've done 'em all... monsters of the week that is). This is, confidentially due to "The Division" controls installed for instant cover-up purposes. Kolchak currently has an "encounter" at least once every week. Now at age 86, it's a wonder how Kolchak still survives!

As stated before, Kolchak's main weapon of information, like others use blackmail or sneaky tricks, is annoyance. Kolchak, upon being refused frequently asks again in an increasingly whiny manner, until finally walking away and doing whatever he wants to do anyway.

Transcribed here is a common discussion between Kolchak and his boss Tony somebody;

  • Kolchak: Hello Tony!
  • Tony: Kolchak! I'm very busy, what did you want to see me about?
  • Kolchak: Oh, Tony I was just wondering if you knew anything about basilisks?
  • Tony: Karol, what do Basilisks have to do with that produce article I had you write?
  • Kolchak: Well Tony, you see a basilisk is-
  • Tony: Never mind, I don't wanna-
  • Kolchak: Now-now-now Tony, I think you might want to hear about this, you see it is said that basilisks-
  • Tony:KOLCHAK! You are a good reporter, I don't know why you insist on taking these dumb cases?
  • Kolchak: Hold that thought Tony, I just remembered something (Kolchak turns to leave)
  • Tony: Kolchak, where are you going?
  • Kolchak: I'm going to get a garbage bag and about 200 plastic toothpicks!
  • Tony: BWhat??
  • Kolchak: Nevermind Tony, you wouldn't understand.
  • Tony: Kolchak! You're fired!
  • Kolchak: (walks out the door pretending he doesn't hear this)

(Kolchak would, following this dismissal would again come in whistling at 4:00 in the morning, throw his hat at nothing in particular and type up some damn story that won't get printed because it's about monsters)

Monsters[edit | edit source]

Kolchak faced a monster just about every week, and despite nearly getting killed every time he went after one, he was always ready to go after another. That's dedication. Or, perhaps it stems from the fact that he figures no matter what case he gets assigned to, it will end up the same boring adventure.

Many have speculated why so many monsters make their home in Queens Chicago. Most of them say "just cause", although it has been speculated that Kolchak's poor choice of dress may have something to do with why mosters hate him, although the Chupacabra has often stated he likes the neighborhood.

Glorification[edit | edit source]

Although most of Kolchak's exploits are rather mediocre and repetitave, some schmuck up in Hollywood decided that he was worthy of his own television series. This lasted a grand total of twenty official episodes capturing the day to day adventures of the reporter, and was cancelled promptly.

Original Movies[edit | edit source]

The Night Stalker[edit | edit source]

In this scary T.V. movie we are introduced to stupid newspaper reporter Karol Kolchak who stupidly believes that there is a dirty old vampire stalking young women in the dead of night. Unfortunately, the Las Vegas press and police think he is stupid for saying that the vampire is dirty and old, seeming as how vampires never age, and leaving him to fight the night stalker for himself. In the end, the police find out that the vampire was not really a vampire, but a man living an "alternative lifestyle" and arrest Kolchak for being stupid.

The Night Strangler[edit | edit source]

In this scary T.V. movie we are reintroduced to stupid newspaper reporter Karol Kolchak who stupidly believes that there is a dirty old alchemist stalking young women in the dead of night and maybe strangling them. This time he is run down by a mob of anime fans but the police don't seem to mind this time so Kolchak is not as ridiculed this time when he swears to hunt down the man responsible. As it turns out, when Kolchak replaced the alchemist's life-extending-serum with sody-pop, he rapidly aged and turned to dust. This time Kolchak is not wanted for murder but people still think he is stupid and he, along with his friend-for-life Tony Montana are fired from a good newspaper publication and left to start their own newspaper. They end up having to work for a high-school journalism class, but hey, at least they saved one hooker from getting strangled! (waka-chica-waca-chica)

The Rip-Off[edit | edit source]

ABC once made a rip-off of this series, ironically, it neither starred Karl Kolchak or Karol Kolchak, but instead featured the next prime-time hot-T as the star. This series was even shorter than the first one, which only lasted one season, but enough about that... In fact, enough about the whole damn thing, it wasn't that good in the first place...