Knee gumming
“I do enjoy a short knee gum when time permits”
“Gum right, gum left. Now push the tempo people! I’m feeling some good vibes today…”
Knee gumming, or The Sloppy-pop-top, is the act of gumming one's knee with one's (usually) toothless mouth and wet slobbery lips. In recent years it has been considered as a sport, and knee gumming tournaments are now held annually in several states throughout America and England.
History of knee gumming[edit | edit source]
Paul Taker's Research on Mississippi Knee Gummers[edit | edit source]
Although knee gumming was probably around for many centuries in the American South, knee gumming as a commercial practice was the brain-child of Dr. Paul Taker, a prolific scientist in Jackson, Mississippi in 1976.
Dr. Taker had studied locals around Jackson and found that a weekly or bi-weekly knee gum was beneficial for the practitioner's health. People from the town and the surrounding swamps and bayous had seemingly evolved in a way to carry out this knee gumming ritual effectively. Knee gummers from the area had developed toothless mouth, ideal for the substantial oral sloppiness needed for good knee gumming. In some cases, some families deeper into swampland had developed special lips that were always moist, allowing a suction to be created while gumming.
Other knee gummers would tear holes in their pants where their knees were located, giving much needed quick access to one's knees through the trousers. Others simply discarded clothes altogether and could be seen running wildly around dark swamps, shooting guns and voting for George W. Bush even though it was the middle 1970s.
Halfway through his five year long research expedition, Dr. Taker heard rumours from some Mississippi knee gummers that a clan of ancient knee gummers resided 'way back in the blackwater swamps. Hiring a local Indian guide, Dr. Taker headed on a two-week journey into the swamps in search of the ancient knee gummers, said by his sources to be the oldest of all surviving knee gummers. On the start of the third week travelling, Dr. Taker and his guide began to hear the knee gummer's cries through the swamp mists. Dr. Taker sounded disappointed as he recorded the final chapter of that expedition, noting "That particular episode of Jerry Springer was uneventful...".
After his five-year stint of research in the outer swamps of the Mississippi had ceased, Dr. Taker brought numerous specimens of knee gummers & notes on their way of life back to his clinic in Jackson. Although the clinic was used by the local barber, it also doubled as Dr. Taker's research centre, the local dentist, the local doctor, the local petrol station & the local vasectomy lab.
Due to his finds of the positive effects knee gumming has on the body, Dr. Taker patented numerous knee gumming devices to take the work out of knee gumming in public. This included the "Mecho-gummer", the "Guppy-strapped-to-your-knee gummer" & the "Enviro-gummer". Due to his commercial success, Dr. Taker was able to retire, releasing his specimen knee gummers back into the wild. However it is said that they turned on him & he was reportedly "gummed" to dead.
Problems with knee gumming[edit | edit source]
Well there are a few obvious reasons knee gumming is a problem. Imagine you're at a party, a really nice city girl is eyeing you up. But then you feel it. Yes, the cold itch of Southern blood urging you to gum that knee. With no discreet mechanical gummers at hand, the only way to alleviate the urge for most people today is to pull up your trousers & gum that knee. This often leads to the total gross out of the nice city girl & you are forced to leave with that southern one with the cross eyes & the hairy lip(s). Yes, knee gumming is a problematic function that is often frowned upon in public, hence the availability of discreet mechanical gummers. However, when you are out & about with no gummers in your purse or tobacco pouch, you may face a real dilemma. Experts in the matter suggest sufferers try the old bend, kneel & gum/suck technique perfected by truck stop hookers.
However, all knee gumming may in fact be bad for your health, insists Dr. Taker's lifelong opposition, Mr. E. Smith PhD, in the Reader's Digestive. Opposing Dr. Taker's discoveries, Mr. Smith says that prolonged knee gumming can lead to gummedkneeitis & kneedgumgummerkneeitis, not to mention deterioration of the patella. Mr. Smith says to avoid knee gumming altogether & replace the habit with a less harmful habits, such as tobacco chewing & alligator hunting if you're a hick or classical music if you're a democrat.
Knee gumming tournaments[edit | edit source]
Knee gumming tournaments are held annually every two years in Turnwhich, England & Phoenix, Arizona. Although gumming is primarily used as a calming effect, during these heated tournaments, it knee gumming is used to score mega moolah. The aim is to gum your knee for as long as possible, unless specifically contrdicted by the category rules, which is often. The categories for entrance are:
Single knee gum - Person who can gum their knee the longest without suffocating. May have a maximum of one tooth, allowing most of Southern US to enter. May not use leeches as an unfair advantage.
Dual knee gum - Competition for couples to gum knee the longest. Must have under three teeth in total to enter. Must be mixed sexes. If you are an amoeba & have both sexual organs, then you may be disqualified.
Synchronized gumming - Compete with a team of up to five to perform a show of excellent knee gumming.
Knee cap pull - Competition to find the person who can gum their patella the farthest into the air. Restricted to 40 & over, simply because older people's knees float around more. Kinda creepy if you think about it.
Unicycle gumming - Exactly as it sounds, ride a unicycle around a preset course while gumming.
Death match unicycle gumming - Exactly the same as unicycle gumming, only with a few extra hidden land mines in the forested areas. Slow motion cameras pick up every motion as contestants ride over what they think are fallen acorns...
Communist death match unicycle gumming - Exactly the same as death match unicycle gumming, except you are running into the hills away from angry communists with machine guns & machetes.
Mouse communist death match unicycle gumming - Nothing at all like communist death match unicycle gumming. In fact this competition is limited to children only.
Fat-ass knee gumming - For lard asses. Contestants may have assistant to help them bend over to actually see their knees, let alone gum them.
Tick gumming - Contestants try & remove ticks placed on their knees overnight using their gums. The child's section of this event is particularly satisfying... (Warning - You may have been entered in this event accidentally & may wake at any point with fifty ticks sucking off your knee)
Knee gumming is appearing as a new sport at the 2024 Paris Olympics, in the form of a 24-hour knee-gummathon. Many scabby knees are sure to result, and an informal scabbiest knee competition is planned for the evening of the event. Skateboard and BMX competitors are invited to the scabbiest knee competition along with the knee gummers.
Knee gumming in popular culture[edit | edit source]
Many folk songs have been created over the years about the art of knee gumming, such as "Ode to the knee gummer", which originated in Texas around 1842, just after they learned to string sentences together between gummings.
"Ode to the knee gummer"
"Oh knee, so wet & moist,
"How I love to gum you til red & raw.
"Your slight slope which leads to oblivion,
"You ingrown hairs invited me to stay.
"Alas, my love, I can gum you no more,
"For love our love is tainted & I love another... Aaaii..."
In other media types, knee gumming was portrayed in the Stephen Spielberg movie "Sunset on knee", a true story of a mentally ill teenager who copes with the secret love for his knees & the gumming of them. In real life, Richard Wright, on who the film is based, ended up marrying one of his knees & kept the other a mistress. Spielberg portrays the knee gumming orgies well, for which he won two Oscars in special effects & costumes. The movie also went on to take out best actor & best supporting actress for Wright’s knee.
Other movies on the subject include the upcoming Michael Moore film "Gumming for oil mines - An exposé on George W. Bush’s secret gumming fetish" & "Gums of Navarone" about knee gumming & how it changed the course of history.
There are reports too that Kirstie Alley will be featuring in a television show on knee gumming. This is gathering masses of attention as everyone has to know how the heck she’s gonna fit those two fat mutha fuckers in her mouth.
References[edit | edit source]
- B. Harry. (1978). Omigod it's like knee gumming time!. Wiggles books.
- J. D. Rhett. (2005). Fuck, look at those knockers - Guide to getting around large knee gums. Gummy gumm books.
- F. Mei. (1990). Mechanical gummers, not just for the mentally unstable... Gummy gumm books.
- E. Smith. (1980). Gummedkneeitis, kneedgumgummerkneeitis, gummykneedgummskneetogumkneegumminggumer & other diseases to put an end to your gumming days. Green-day books.