Keyboardist

“I never met a keyboardist I didn't enjoy thoroughly and repeatedly.”

~ Oscar Wilde

A keyboardist is a musician skilled in performing on a keyboard instrument. Keyboardists come from all walks of life and can thrive in most biomes, with the exception of tundra and pelagic zones. You probably know several keyboardists without realizing it; in fact, you've probably slept with one.

Social Status

Within the realm of classical music, keyboardists, especially pianists and organists, are held in high regard due to their incredible musical abilities and large testicles.

This is in direct contrast with the status of keyboardists in popular music. Keyboardists are looked down on by most other popular musicians, including guitar players, rap artists, Abraham Lincoln, Leon Phelps, and even DJs. It is thought that the only performer ranked lower than a keyboardist is a drummer, which as everyone knows are a dime a dozen (or two cents less than the going rate for keyboardists) and are not actually musicians.

While keyboardists are generally considered unimportant, accordion players are actually despised, or in extreme cases bludgeoned with dead kittens, which is illegal in some states.

Dragon Force

Although completly oblivious to some, several research projects and bands alike, that are either heterosexual or associated with the heavy metal or power metal genre incorporate keyboardists. The only exception to this is DragonForce with their "Extreme Power Metal" genre. "Who?" is something you might ask when wanting to know how an instrument with such little notes as compared to an Ibanez S Prestige can be good enough for a band like DragonForce? Well, the same basic principle applies to their drummer, its not what you can play, its how fast you play it. The person behind all this is Vadim Pruzhanov. One of DragonForce's songs "Storming The Burning Fields", although regarded as too fast to hear, it is usually safe if you dampen yourself with some alcohol and huffing (a little heroin never hurts either). There is a short keyboard solo just before the guitar one, and throughout their other songs there are keyboard sounds backing the guitars. Didn't notice it? Neither did I until I watched their videos.

Famous Keyboardists

• Myron Floren
• William "Chuckletrousers" Shatner
• The guy who invented the dildo
• Vadim Pruzahnov
• Rudess, The Magnificent