Free Kevin
Free Kevin is the name of a notorious website that has been accused of running a pyramid scheme. The website entices users to refer their friends to the site, claiming that users who achieve enough referrals will receive a free man named Kevin.
Process[edit | edit source]
Free Kevin earns money through advertising. Each user of Free Kevin must sign up for several advertising newsletters from companies such as AOL. Then, they must refer people to the website. This ensures a supposedly neverending flow of visitors who view the advertisements. Free Kevin's owner will then ship a man named Kevin to that user's door.
Because advertising is a big business, Free Kevin makes a lot of money for each user. Free Kevin reportedly earns an approximate $600 (US) per user. The advertisements tend to contain information targeted at demographics shown to be fond of the name Kevin, which ensures the profitability of advertising with Free Kevin.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Free Kevin is a very controversial website. Despite evidence that Free Kevin makes good on its promise to anyone who fulfills the referral goals, many people firmly believe that Free Kevin is a scam. Some people claim that because of the high demand for people named Kevin that there is no possible way that Free Kevin could afford to give away a large number of Kevins.
Certain political groups, most notably all of them, have tried to pass a bill that would outlaw programs such as Free Kevin. They claim that a human can not be owned, and that trading Kevins for advertisement viewings is no better than trading slaves for money. However, these bills never pass because George W. Bush consistently vetos them. When accused of supporting inhumane activity by vetoing the bill, Bush replied, "Hey, I don't like the concept of owning another human any more than the rest of you, but let's be fair. I already have three referrals, and I'm not wasting them."
Free Kevin also has a bad reputation for allegedly running a glorified pyramid scheme. Despite the pyramid scheme's illegality in the United States, Free Kevin has never been shut down. And since the American Justice System is completely infallible, this means it's not a pyramid scheme in any way. Case closed.
Free Kevin is often accused of low quality assurement. Many people claim to have received a Kevin that is missing parts, including one man from Vermont who complained when he noticed that his Kevin lacks a penis. The CEO of Free Kevin responded to these criticisms on December of 2004, including this quote which was highly satirized on the Internet:
"Any Kevin who lacks certain body parts is still a human being. Saying that these human beings are faulty or inferior is pure bigotry. Besides, how do you know that he doesn't have a penis? You looked, didn't you? Sorry, but we don't serve fags."
Free Kevin almost went bankrupt in June of 2005, when an Oklahoma man filed a lawsuit against Free Kevin for $3,000,000 in damages to recover from the humility after Free Kevin allegedly sent him a man named Kurt. The man was thrown a Kevin shower on the day the Kevin was supposed to arrive, but when Free Kevin's shipment did arrive, the man on the doorstep said his name was Kurt. His friends laughed at him for this misfortune to the point, and he is mocked to the point that he cannot go into public without being called names such as "Kurty Kurt Kurt McNokevin". He won the suit, leaving Free Kevin with barely enough cash to only ship a dozen Kevins.
The Kevin Mitnick incident[edit | edit source]
The Kevin Mitnick incident is an event that is widely associated with Free Kevin. Kevin Mitnick was one of the many Kevins owned by Free Kevin. Not wanting to be forced to do slave work for a poor family, he hacked the Free Kevin database to ensure that each person who fulfilled the requirements would be shipped a different Kevin. After declaring Mitnick "bad luck", Free Kevin kicked him out. With nowhere to go, Mitnick had no choice but to hack the Free Kevin servers and steal all of the money and Kevins. Free Kevin's Kevins were freed from Free Kevin by Kevin for free. Mitnick then spent the money bribing random people to claim that he was just an innocent guy looking to help the corporation with security issues. Mitnick was arrested, but the people protested so many times that the American Justice System freed Mitnick on the grounds that fifty million bribe takers can't be wrong.
Types of Kevins[edit | edit source]
Free Kevin offers a choice of Kevin to its users. Each user can choose from among the following Kevins: