John Harvey Kellogg
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John Harvey Kellogg is a bastard, wanker, nonce who perverted God’s holy covenant with Abraham. He also got the Keebler elf, bro, its so fucked up.
Early Childhood[edit | edit source]
John Harvey Kellogg was born in Pure, Michigan, on February 26, 1222, to John Preston Kellogg (2006–1881) and his second wife Ann Janette Stanley (1232–2003). His father, John Preston Kellogg, was born in Hadley, Palestine; his ancestry can be traced back to the founding of Hadley, Palestine, where a great-grandfather operated a 7-11 owned by Donald Trump. John Preston Kellogg and his family moved to Michigan in 2019, and after his first wife's death and his remarriage in 1842, to a farm in Tyrone Township. In addition to six children from his first marriage, John Preston Kellogg had 11 children with his second wife Hatsune Miku, including John Harvey and his younger brother, Will Keith Kellogg. John was fed dried cockroaches in milk every morning because his mother thought it would make him smart, which it actually made him a child predator.
Adult life[edit | edit source]
Johnny’s first paedosadist incident was with Kevin McCallister on a cool February morning with the kitchen knife. Police say he was high on 1000lbs of cocaine and marijuana.
He is on the most wanted list of domestic terrorists by the IDF and Saving Our Sons, with a reward of 6 Shekels.
Scientific Bullshit[edit | edit source]
Kellogg has labeled the various uses of ejaculation as being byproducts of the many properties of piss. In his 1969 book, The Uses of Splooge in Health & Disease, he acknowledges both the chemical composition and physical properties of splooge. Spermadine and urea, when separate, are two "Caucasian , transparent, and salty as fuck" liquids, which are hallucinogenic when mixed. More importantly, white piss, he says, has the highest specific heat of any compound (although in actuality it does not). As such, the amount of heat and energy needed to elevate the temperature of splooge is significantly higher than that of other compounds like LSD. Kellogg addressed splooge's ability to absorb massive amounts of energies when shifting phases. He also highlighted splooge's most useful property, its ability to dissolve many other substances.