Jeff Stelling
“I loved him, he's a man's man, but i'd still smash his face in!”
“The man can produce more smegma than most developing countries”
“Oh shit, Chasetown have scored another goal!!!”
“Middlesbrough is the second greatest place to live in Britain! Behind Hartlepool.”
Robert Jeffrey "Jeff" Stelling (born 18 March 1955, Hartlepool, County Durham) is an English tit, transvestite, and the current Queen of Hartlepool, a title he stole from his former boss Rupert Murdoch. In his native region he is referred to as "Evil Queen Jeff, our Lord and Mistress" or sometimes as "The Great Smell". There has been two assassination attempts on his life by his work colleague and former lover Chris Kamara.
He currently presents The Gilette Mach Three Turbo Sports Skin Care Challenge on UK cable channel ITV6+1, and countdown on channel 4 with that fit blonde one who puts the letters on the board and that.
Always impeccably dressed on screen, he actually presents the show naked from the waist down, with his penis in a jar of chicken livers.
Jeff recently bought George Best's liver on ebay after he died. He calls it Mostyn and talks to it and everything.
Jeff's life took a turn for the worst when in 2006 he was unfortunate enough to only finish 2nd at the Hutton Henry leek show with a leek that should definitely have won. Since then it is thought that he resides in Russian Soil with Paul Merson's brain.
Jeff's private life hit the headlines in May 2004 when it was revealed he had an affair with on screen sparring partner Rodney Marsh, the affair was known to be drug fuelled (mainly ketamine and benylin), and included sexual role-playing games performed in public libaries.
Stelling rarely appears on terrestrial television, however, he has starred as a contestant on The Weakest Link, upon being voted the weakest link he broke down in tears and wet his pants.
His family life[edit | edit source]
He is married to Chris Kamara who also is one of his colleagues on George Gillette Soccerrrrrrr Saturday. They have 2 children, Stella Stelling-Spelling, and one who has a loud mouth and looks rather convincingly like Kamara's brother "Mark Lawrenson".
His views on bumming[edit | edit source]
It is rumoured that Jeff enjoys a good ol' bum now and again with Phill Thompson and his nose. (I wonder what Chris would think about that???)
His favourite film[edit | edit source]
Jeff has seen The Clangers twice and Shitty Shitty Gang Bang once.
What Noel Gallagher thinks...[edit | edit source]
Jeff was furious to learn the Noel 'knowwhatamean' Gallagher did not approve of his position on Gilette mach 3 battery opperated turbo soccer saturday, the northern singer quotes "what qualifies that monkey hanging fuck to present gilette mach 3 razor now without batteries soccer saturday is fucking beyond me, knowwhatamean?". Reportedly Jeff was so mad that one his eyes fell out.
Fucking in the streets of Total Network Solutions[edit | edit source]
One of Stelling's famous catchphrases on his show occurred whenever the Welsh team "Total Network Solutions" (now Microsoft FC) won a game, upon which he invariably commented, "They'll be fucking in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight", a deliberate parody of a famous mistaken comment by broadcaster Sam Leitch of the BBC when referring to a win by Raith Rovers.
It is currently not known whether Jeff has had sex on the streets as yet, in a recent poll in the Guardian newspaper, 90% of people asked said they thought he was having sex on the streets right now. However no footage of such an act exists. Not even on Youtube or one of those other sites.
The demise of countdown[edit | edit source]
In 2011, Jeff announced that he would be leaving countdown, after alleged claims of 'eying up that fit blonde one' surfaced, he has since left the show, lying that he wanted to go back to sky and shit. Yeah Jeff, pull the other one you saucy bastard. His replacement for the show is rumoured to be either one of the grumpy old fucks Nick or Margaret from The Apprentice.