Jack Reacher
“He scares the living shit out of me”
Jack 'nothing' Reacher is the man. He could take on a group of 12 grown armed men with a pool cue and escape unscathed. He is known to drift the waters surrounding America. He was last seen in the Atlantic Ocean smoking forged $100 bills with Peter Griffin.
The Author[edit | edit source]
Ten second Jack, as he is known to most of his girlfriends, was a masterpiece of the cool but sexy author, Lee Child-Persuader. Lee was born in Zimbabwe, where he learned to, as his name suggests, persuade young children into his large palace. Exactly what happened to the young children in the mansion has been suppressed by Robert Mugabe, and the only facts to be released are that they were definitely persuaded. For this, Lee is considered one of the biggest Zimbabwean heroes of all time, and only turned down Mugabe's offer of knighthood to follow his passion of writing Jack Reacher novels.
The Man[edit | edit source]
Reacher first appeared in Killing Going Down on the Floor, where he went to a nice town called Mygrave. By the time he was done, half the town was buried, the rest burned down. It wasn't his fault, people just went crazy after seeing his 12' 6" muscular build, armed with a Persuader. He has that effect on most people. In fact, generally when people see him, they go emo, attempting to attempt suicide in hope of sparing their lives.
Reacher is a famous apple picker, as he has a long reach. For this reason, he is known to some (including Variety.com) as Jack Reach. This nickname first appeared in The Enemy, where a very mean apple, just out of Reacher's reach reached over Reacher and called him Jack Reach, the apple reacher. This made Reacher angry so he went and got a ladder, and took a big bite out of the nasty apple. This was one of the many exciting apple picking sequences of the book.
Latest Sightings[edit | edit source]
The most recent reports of a Jack Reacher sighting occurred in July 2007 where he was reported seen by Voldemort beating up a group of Death Eaters. Voldemort fled for his life when Reacher turned on him. The Death Eaters have since been reported missing, so this sighting has never been confirmed. However it can be deemed safe to say that the victims had their arses preyed on and will never be seen again.
The Books[edit | edit source]
- Killing Going Down on the Floor
- Try Dying
- Whipped Tire
- The Sex-Offending Visitor
- Burning Orgasmic Echo
- With a Little Fail
- Child Persuader
- The Enemy
- One (Actually more than one but One has a better ring to it than Several) Shot
- The Not Too Easy But Pretty Difficult Way
- Bad Luck in the Bedroom and Trouble With Getting it Up
It has been reported that the man himself will return back into the public eye in 2008 with Nothing to Lose. We can be certain that when he's back, many more bad guys will be clapped the hell up, and once he's done, Reacher will be drifting where-ever the wind may take him once again.