Invasion of the Grand Duchy of Wallachia
| Invasion of the Grand Duchy of Wallachia | |||||||||
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 Wallachian T-34/85 during Battle of Bruntál |
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| Belligerents | |||||||||
| NATO | Grand Duchy of Wallachia |
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| Strength | |||||||||
| 400,000 | Rednecks | ||||||||
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Military dead:
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The invasion of the Grand Duchy of Wallachia was a large-scale armed conflict that took place between 2019 and 2024. What at first seemed like a regional clash with Islamic insurgents quickly degenerated into an international crisis that resulted in the intervention of NATO and the European Union.
The official reason for the invasion was the "elimination of radicalized Wallachia", which after a crushing victory over the Islamic State in 2019 had spiraled out of control, turning into a bastion of anarchy and a threat to civilized Europe.
Background[edit | edit source]
Wallachia, a region on the border of Moravia and Slovakia, was long considered a forgotten corner of Europe – a harsh land full of peasants and shepherds who followed their own laws and despised authority. Although formally part of the Czech Republic, there was a deep-rooted distrust of Prague, Brussels, and the West and East in general.
Everything changed in 2019, when the Islamic State launched an unexpected invasion of Wallachia. They assumed it would be easy prey – an isolated region without a modern army. Instead, they encountered fierce resistance from the locals (supported by the terrorist organization MOA), who waged an all-out war of extermination against the Islamists.
The Wallachias not only eliminated the Islamist fighters, but their methods were so brutal that the world media began to talk about genocide. Prisoners of war were murdered with primitive cruelty, bodies disappeared into the deep forests, traditional weapons like pitchforks and flails became instruments of execution. When footage of Wallachian "punishment rituals" was released online, Europe and NATO reacted with outrage. The EU initially demanded an investigation, but Wallachian MEPs responded by literally shitting on the rostrums of the European Parliament. This was the final nail in the coffin of a diplomatic solution.
Accident in European Parlament[edit | edit source]
On November 12, 2019, the European Parliament witnessed a scandal that shook the European Union and became a symbol of Wallachian secession.
A session on possible sanctions against Wallachia was held at the European Parliament in Brussels. The moment Roberta Metsola, then only a female MEP, began to speak, a Wallachian MEP for the SPD [1]stood up on the podium, pulled down his pants and, with complete calm, began to shit directly on the speaker's table.
A second Wallachian MEP, elected for the KSČM[2], followed him, crossing himself and singing Wallachian folk songs. Shocked MEPs in the hall began to scream, some tried to leave the room, while others watched in disbelief as this demonstration turned into total anarchy.
As Metsola tried to continue her speech, the Wallachian communist picked up his own fresh stool and threw it directly at her face. Metsola immediately vomited and fainted.
However, the incident escalated even further when radical Slovak and Hungarian MPs joined the Wallachians.
- A Slovak MP from the LSNS brought a live sheep into the hall, tied it to a microphone and raped it in front of everyone as a protest against “degenerate Western civilization”.
- A Hungarian nationalist from Jobbik started burning the EU flag right in the main hall, activating the fire alarm and causing total chaos.
- Another Wallachian MP pulled down his pants and urinated on the French delegation, shouting: “This is what freedom looks like! Long live the Wallachian Grand Duchy!”
On the same day, while Brussels was dealing with a scandal that had no parallel in the history of the EU, Wallachian separatists at home declared the independence of the Wallachian Grand Duchy.
Prague tried to calm the situation, but the Wallachians immediately closed their borders, severed ties with the Czech Republic and the EU, and began building up their own military forces.
Chronology[edit | edit source]
After the Incident in the European Parliament and the proclamation of the Wallachian Grand Duchy, there is a surprisingly rapid expansion:
- Wallachian militias occupy Šumperk, Olomouc and part of Brno.
- Local residents mostly join because they hate the central government and subsidies for solar power plants in cemeteries.
- The Czech army does not react quickly enough, because most commanders either underestimate the situation or refuse to fight against their own people.
- The first local shootouts between Wallachians and Czech military units in Přerov end ingloriously for the government - the soldiers join the Wallachians.
- The Wallachians begin to produce improvised weapons - they mount machine guns on tractors, weld steel plates on buses and build catapults that shoot burning corpses.
November 2019:[edit | edit source]
As the government in Prague loses control, help comes from the West:
- NATO sends the first military units to the Czech Republic.
- Slovakia and Hungary claim to be neutral, but at the same time secretly send supplies, weapons and volunteers to the Wallachians.
- Italian troops landed in Brno and occupied the Tuřany airport.
- The Polish contingent arrived in Ostrava, where it immediately declared a ban on the sale of alcohol, which led to bloody riots and mass desertion.
- The Moravian Liberation Army (MOA) officially joins the Wallachians and begins to supply them with heavy equipment - from rifles vz. 24 to submachine guns vz. 58 to T-34/85 and T-55 tanks.
February 2020:[edit | edit source]
The first major NATO clash with the Wallachians took place near Litovel, where two American Abrams tanks were destroyed by caddie huts.
- An American tank battalion was advancing along a dirt road between farms when it was surprised by an improvised weapon - caddie huts filled with flammable manure and propane-butane cylinders.
- Two of the cadaver shells hit the tank turrets, causing a massive explosion.
- One Czech T-72M4CZ was damaged when the Wallachians stole the drive wheel and the soldiers had to push the tank by hand.
April 2020:[edit | edit source]
In a desperate attempt to gain an advantage in the fight against the shepherds, the Italian command decided on a radical strategy - to disguise its soldiers as sheep in order to confuse the Wallachian troops. The result was disastrous. Instead of letting the Wallachians be confused, some of the shepherds raped the Italian soldiers, mistaking them for real sheep. The terrified Italians began to flee en masse, but were captured and subsequently buried in manure..
July 2020:[edit | edit source]
- NATO tries to break through the Wallachian defense line near Brno, but encounters extreme resistance.
- The Wallachians deploy “combat buses” – old Karosas supplied by ZDS Psota with vz. 59 machine guns in the windows.
- Polish NATO troops refuse to join the fighting because they are bothered by the mass production of plum brandy right in the trenches.
- A Slovak MP brings in a sheep during a war meeting and rapes it, which horrifies even hardened war reporters.
January 2021:[edit | edit source]
The Wallachians attack the NATO base in Mošnov for the first time. They use a herd of aggressive cows, to whose horns they attach Molotov cocktails. The American marines are not prepared for similar tactics – many of them end up burnt or crushed by cow hooves.
March 2021:[edit | edit source]
After months of failures, NATO attempts a massive air attack on Wallachia. However, the Wallachians manage to shoot down several drones using primitive slingshots and rusty screws. American bombers have to call off the attack because pilots begin to have difficulty navigating in the thick smoke from burning manure.
June 2021:[edit | edit source]
The conflict turns into trench warfare - both NATO and the Wallachians are fortifying themselves and facing extreme losses.
- The European Union is paralyzed because its leadership is afraid to send more soldiers to the "manure hell".
- Hungary no longer tries to hide its support for the Wallachians, sending them old Soviet tanks and D-30 guns.
February 2022:[edit | edit source]
Wallachian special forces disguised as Ostrava's homeless infiltrate the city and begin organizing in industrial zones. At night, they penetrate the Vítkovice metallurgical complex, where they mine coal and iron reserves.
- The explosion destroys several key operations, paralyzes steel production and causes an ecological disaster.
- The burning city can be seen as far as Poland, causing panic in the Warsaw NATO command.
- US General Mark Milley calls the attack “the most brazen act of guerrilla warfare since World War II”.
NATO immediately launches air strikes on Ostrava, but the Wallachians have long since withdrawn. Instead, the civilian population suffers, leading to massive protests against NATO across Europe.
April 2022:[edit | edit source]
As part of NATO’s spring offensive, US troops attempt to capture Bruntál, but they are not counting on the Wallachian “scorched earth” tactics.
- The US 1st Armored Division advances towards Bruntál, where it expects little resistance.
- The Wallachians mine access roads, poison wells.
- When US troops enter the city, total chaos ensues – buildings explode, sewage flows through the streets, and farmers begin shooting from church steeples.
- An American supply convoy is ambushed in Vrbno pod Pradědem – the Wallachians manage to steal 5 M1A1SA Abrams tanks, 12 M2 Bradley armored personnel carriers and 20 tons of hamburger meat.
After three days of fighting, the Americans lose 60% of their equipment and withdraw. Bruntál remains under Wallachian control.
June 2022:[edit | edit source]
In June The German army arrives to reinforce NATO. The Bundeswehr moves its most modern tank technology to Ostrava, but it does not even reach the front line.
A German tank battalion moves 24 Leopard 2A7V tanks towards Brno.
The convoy stops at a gas station in Vyškov, where the drivers decide to have a sausage and a beer.
Wallachian saboteurs disguised as gas station attendants seize the tanks, start them and drive off.
By morning, the entire convoy is in the hands of the Wallachian Grand Duchy.
The German government is in shock, German Defense Minister Boris Pistorius resigns.
August 2022:[edit | edit source]
The US Air Force decides to launch an air campaign to suppress the Wallachian offensive.
An F-16 Block 72 fighter jet takes off from Poland and conducts reconnaissance over northern Moravia. Wallachian farmers spot it as it flies over pastures near Rožnov pod Radhoštěm.
The improvised anti-aircraft battery consists of:
- Three shepherds with slingshots
- A pensioner with a rusted Flak 38 anti-aircraft gun
- A drunk hunter with a hunting rifle
The first bolt fired from the slingshot hits the engine. The second bolt pierces the cockpit and the pilot is ejected. The third shot from the Flak hits the plane – the plane plummets to the ground and explodes in the field.
The pilot is captured and then forced to drink slivovitz until he declares himself a Wallachian.
NATO suspends air operations – pilots fear further shooting down using primitive methods.
December 2022:[edit | edit source]
After four years of war, it becomes clear that NATO is incapable of achieving a decisive victory.
The Wallachians control a large part of Moravia, but they cannot advance any further.
NATO lacks morale – armies are deserting, politicians are panicking, the population is protesting.
Slovakia and Hungary officially side with the Wallachians, but they are still playing a double game.
January 2023:[edit | edit source]
The Wallachian Grand Duke Jura I Bloodthirsty issues his martial New Year's Decree of Blood and Fire. He announces that it is time for Wallachia to once again devour the world, and declares 2023 the "year of the great conquest". He calls on his subjects to steal, rape, plunder and slit the throats of all who oppose Wallachian freedom.
The first wave of raids arrives just after midnight – the Wallachian hordes, drunk on plum brandy and reeking of sweat, blood and manure, cross the Svratka River and storm the first village. Men are cut up like pigs, women are raped right on the ashes of their houses. Wells are filled with excrement and rotting corpses so that those who survive die in agony of typhus.
The Czech army underestimates the scale of the attacks - the Minister of Defense calls the situation "local unrest" and sends three Pandur armored personnel carriers and a few rusty BVPs. The Wallachians burn them with Molotov cocktails and then cut the crews to pieces with axes.
February 2023:[edit | edit source]
The operation begins. Columns of armored Zetor tractors, powered by methanol fuel from burned-out distilleries, rush towards Tišnov and Brno.
The suburbs of Brno fall in one night. The Wallachians enjoy orgies of violence, women are cut up and hung from lamps, while men are brutally tortured - some have their eyes gouged out alive, others are stuffed into barrels and burned alive in the burning warehouses of Makro.
The Czech command finally understands the extent of the disaster and declares a state of war emergency. President Miloš Zeman, drunk in the Castle, is in shock, while the Prime Minister orders the army to defend itself at all costs.
Havlíčkův Brod is surrounded. A monstrous siege begins - the city is bombarded with barrels full of rotting entrails, syphilitic corpses and excrement. People inside begin to die of bubonic plague.
March 2023:[edit | edit source]
NATO sends elite troops. The French refuse to get involved because the stench from the battlefield is unbearable. The Italians try to confront the Wallachians, but at night they are attacked by "sheep" who turn out to be Wallachians. The entire Italian battalion is raped.
The commander of the Italian mission resigns and flees to Rome, where he is celebrated as a hero who survived hell.
Meanwhile, the Wallachian hordes penetrate the Pardubice region, where mass executions and the burning of monasteries begin. Children are kidnapped and raised as Wallachians, women are raped in churches, men become labor slaves in plum mines.
April 2023:[edit | edit source]
The regime is changing in the Czech Republic - Petr Pavel takes power and declares "total war". He personally arrives at the front - in his shirt, with a machine gun in his hand, on a scooter, ready to kill.
The bombing of Vsetín and Zlín begins. Special thermobaric weapons and napalm engulf the cities in flames.
The Czech army deploys all available resources on the Wallachian command posts. Half of Wallachia is covered in craters, but Jura Bloodthirsty continues to hide underground, torturing prisoners.
In response to the brutal Czech attacks, the Wallachians shift to guerrilla warfare - building tunnels, using set traps, cutting down Czech soldiers in their sleep.
May 2023:[edit | edit source]
Slovakia officially enters the war on the side of the Wallachians. Their first action? Raping sheep.
The Wallachians watch them for a while. They are suspicious, but then they admit that it is a "cultural brotherhood". Slovakia sends a brigade of zoophilic extremists, which in the field is dedicated only to sexual atrocities.
Hungary also joins, but there it is no longer just about sheep. The Hungarians simply rape everything - men, women, animals, corpses. Even tractors, when there is nothing else.
The Czech army is in shock. The Prime Minister faints at the first report of the enemy's brutality.
In response to the unstoppable horde of deviation and death, Petr Pavel orders the mass execution of all Wallachian prisoners.
June 2023:[edit | edit source]
The Czech army conquers Zlín, but the Wallachians continue to fight like beasts. Men fall in the trenches, the last survivors turn into cannibals, the corpses of raped sheep lie in the streets.
Bulgaria joins the war, but no one knows why.
The world is disgusted by the brutality of the fighting, but no one intervenes. The Wallachians laugh, burn more villages, and prepare for the final battle.
January 2024[edit | edit source]
The Wallachian Grand Duchy is on the verge of collapse. After months of brutal fighting, Jura I the Bloody decides on a last desperate move: to capture Brno before the main NATO forces arrive.
The Wallachian army – a mix of drunken shepherds, Slovak deserters, and Hungarian fanatics – rushes forward. Tractors with improvised armor, horse-drawn carts with machine guns, armored buses – this whole agricultural Mordor is rolling south.
The first clashes are brutal. The Brno defense did not expect such a deployment of dirty shepherds. The Wallachians jump out with pitchforks and flintlocks at the city’s modern defenses. However, French Caesar howitzers, Leopard 2A4s, and a swarm of Bayraktar drones soon turn the Wallachian cavalry into a burning disaster.
After a few days, the offensive collapses. At Kuřimi, the main forces of the Wallachian Grand Duchy get stuck in minefields and are shot down by rockets. The Slovaks flee to the Little Carpathians and rape sheep, as is their custom. The Hungarians fight to the last man, but are surrounded and destroyed.
Jura I. Bloodthirsty flees to the Wallachian Beskids.
February 2024[edit | edit source]
NATO is no longer in the mood to deal with the Wallachian Grand Duchy, so instead of the regular army, it deploys mercenaries from Blackwater, DynCorp, and the Foreign Legion.
This leads to immediate problems:
French troops accidentally shoot down a German Leopard 2A7V tank, which almost causes World War III.
American mercenaries refuse to fight because they "will not fight shepherds with pitchforks".
Hungarian nationalist units attempt a counter-offensive, but their headquarters accidentally explodes due to unprofessional handling of a barrel of slivovitz.
Meanwhile, the Czech army clears Zlín, Vsetín and the surrounding villages. Wallachian tunnels full of excrement and homemade bombs are mined and blown up.
Joe Biden publicly declares that if the situation does not calm down, he will drop a nuclear bomb on the Grand Duchy of Wallachia. Then he confuses the Czech Republic with Hawaii and declares war on Honolulu.
March 2024[edit | edit source]
Vsetín falls after brutal fighting. Czech Leopard 2A4 tanks break through the last lines of resistance, while the remnants of the Wallachian army surrender or flee.
Jura I. Bloodthirsty leaves the Grand Duchy of Wallachia and disappears into the Balkans.
Petr Pavel personally enters Valašské Meziříčí – on a scooter, in a shabby flannel shirt and with a slivovice in his hand. During an impromptu press conference, he chews a piece of smoked meat and announces the definitive end of the war.
April 2024[edit | edit source]
The Grand Duchy of Wallachia is officially abolished. The region is reincorporated into the Czech Republic.
France ends military operations.
The Slovak president apologizes for the “inappropriate behavior of Slovak soldiers”.
Hungary promises revenge, but ultimately does nothing.
Abusement of journalists[edit | edit source]
The war with the Wallachians dragged on, meticulously documented. However, instead of silencing foreign journalists through censorship or violence, the Wallachians turned them into objects of ridicule. What started as crude pranks soon became psychological torment, leaving many reporters broken and humiliated.
Emma Lindholm (SVT)[edit | edit source]
- Harassed by three drunk locals at the train station.
- Tried to ignore them, escalating their aggression.
- Began recording them, making herself an even bigger target.
- A drunken brawl between them distracted them long enough for her to escape.
- Realized Wallachia wasn’t the real horror—it was everything surrounding it.
Olivia Parker (CNN)[edit | edit source]
- Young and naive, believed her work mattered.
- Thought she was witnessing a film set—until she saw an abandoned Abrams surrounded by NATO corpses.
- Captured by Wallachian irregulars, force-fed slivovitz until unconscious.
- Woke up alone, cameraman drunk, rest of the crew missing.
- Evacuated to Brussels, convinced it was all a psy-op. No one believed her.
Sofia Bellucci (RAI)[edit | edit source]
- Wore a luxurious fur coat—Wallachians mistook her for a sheep.
- What followed was so horrific the Italian government censored all footage.
- Afterward, she tried to report live—until a Wallachian fighter slapped manure onto her head on camera.
- Publicly broke down in Rome, screaming that Wallachia was the end of all things.
- RAI terminated her contract, and she disappeared from public life.
Richard Hughes (CNN)[edit | edit source]
- Veteran war correspondent, thought nothing could shake him.
- Witnessed Wallachians launching plague-ridden corpses at NATO positions.
- Saw Leopard 2 tanks immobilized by fields of liquefied human remains.
- Final dispatch: "This is not a war. This is something else."
- Found naked and hallucinating in the forests near Brno, talking to spirits of dead cattle.
- Evacuated back to the UK, never spoke about Wallachia again.
Edward Griffith (BBC)[edit | edit source]
- The final journalist to file a story from Wallachia.
- Reported live from Vsetín while militia danced around burning NATO vehicles.
- Behind him, a militia leader urinated on a dead Marine while another threw manure like confetti.
- Stared into the camera, sighed, and said, "This isn’t war. This isn’t even journalism anymore. This is something else."
- Three weeks later, resigned and took a vow of silence in a Scottish monastery.
Carla Moreau (France 24)[edit | edit source]
- Reporting from a checkpoint near Opava when a Wallachian fighter appeared from nowhere.
- Without a word, he lobbed a fresh handful of manure directly into her face.
- The camera crew caught everything—the wet slap, the stunned silence, the eruption of laughter from nearby soldiers.
- The footage went viral, dubbed "Le Merde Incident."
- Moreau fled back to Paris, refusing to discuss Wallachia ever again.
Peter Kowalski (TVP)[edit | edit source]
- Polish journalist embedded with NATO forces near Těšín.
- Captured by Wallachian militia, who decided on a unique execution method.
- Stuffed him into a portable toilet, sealed it shut, and strapped it to a makeshift trebuchet.
- Launched the outhouse at a Polish PT-91 tank.
- The impact disabled the tank for a while, making it the first confirmed kill by a human-propelled latrine in military history.
NATO never officially commented on the incident. Kowalski was never seen again.
International reactions[edit | edit source]
After the conflict ended, the world united in condemning Wallachia as a nest of war criminals who, despite their technological backwardness, inflicted NATO’s heaviest losses since Vietnam.
Under pressure from the US and EU, the international community ordered the immediate disarmament of Wallachia. Their arsenal—ranging from DIY howitzers made from beer kegs, T-55 tanks running on slivovitz, and biological weapons based on fermented goat milk—was confiscated and incorporated into the Czech military reserves. This led to a paradox where the Czech Army ended up with more combat-ready equipment than before the war.
The Hague[edit | edit source]
The International Criminal Court (ICC) indicted Jura I. the Bloodthirsty and all Wallachian commanders for war crimes, genocide against US Marines, and the use of unethical weapons of mass agricultural destruction. The entire Wallachian nation was declared a suspect group for war crimes, effectively banning all Wallachians from entering civilized countries.
America:[edit | edit source]
Unable to accept defeat at the hands of goat herders, the United States labeled the Wallachians as racists. According to Washington, the devastating NATO casualties were not a result of military incompetence but "systematic discrimination against American forces based on their NATO identity." Calls for sanctions against Wallachia were dismissed, as the region had no economy aside from alcohol smuggling.
European Union:[edit | edit source]
Brussels was in absolute shock. For three months, EU bureaucrats debated whether to classify Wallachia as a "terrorist entity" or a "cultural phenomenon." Eventually, the EU issued a statement of "deep concern," which Jura I. the Bloodthirsty mockingly responded to with: "And we have deep concern for your EUrope."
Hungary:[edit | edit source]
While NATO struggled with its greatest humiliation, Hungary seized the opportunity and began systematically annexing southern Slovakia. The European Union and NATO were too preoccupied with the Hague Tribunal for the Wallachians to notice that Viktor Orbán’s forces were advancing into Košice.
Russia:[edit | edit source]
Moscow gleefully watched NATO suffer its worst military disaster since Afghanistan. Putin hailed Jura I. as a "true people's leader" and reportedly offered him asylum if he could evade international prosecution. Russian special forces allegedly began testing Wallachian biological weapons, inspired by old Soviet studies on cattle manure as a chemical agent.