Income tax in the United States
“All your money are belong to us.”
“INC, TAXES!”
Income Taxes are the price you pay for living in America. As pennance for breathing the air and pissing in the lakes; once a year the government requires a sacrifice of flesh and cash. To sum up the amount of the sacrifice, the Infernal Revenue Service requires that you fill out a series of forms. A former requirement, dropped in 1986, was that all forms be filled out in blood. A little known fact about the filing of taxes is that the American people brought it upon themselves.
Those Pesky Forms[edit | edit source]
There are at least 47 separate forms. Each one must be painstakingly filled out, and added up using non-euclidian math. The easiest way to file an income tax return is to use a hammer and tequila, using both to numb the excrutiating pain. The following things will not help you: Calculators and Logic.
Oh my God! What do I do now?[edit | edit source]
Once the forms have been completed and you are effectively hammered, both literally and figuratively, find a knife, and your wallet. Now, somewhere near the bottom of those forms, and probably in a place you'll never think to look, is what you owe in sacrifice. Get a foam cooler filled with ice, and start cutting. Now, tape up the cooler and mail that to the IRS. They're probably hungry, awaiting the snackage that is your flesh. And your cash, which they'll use to buy Mountain Dew.
Uh Oh, I made a mistake![edit | edit source]
Chances are good, that unless you are some sort of genius or income tax filing professional that you made a mistake. Did you forget to carry the two? Maybe it was that credit you didn't earn, or, maybe more importantly did earn and forgot to claim. Didn't pay enough? It's a good bet that they already know. Don't worry, either they'll send you a nice letter, or men in black suits will come beating down your door. Paid/sacrificed too much? It's time to do an amendment. That's a lengthy and annoying process, and not worth the text to explain.
Good news: Cash coming back is very spendable. Bad news: Flesh coming back is very unpleasant.
Here comes the Audit[edit | edit source]
There comes a point in everyone's life when the government feels that they need to suffer immensly. Usually this occurs when you run out of cash, and have finally lost that ten pounds that you've been working on losing for years. It's at that moment when Agents show up to say hello. Don't worry, they bring their own knives and coolers. These agents will want to see everything there is to see about you, and will assuredly ridicule you into submission. You will not win, realize that now. Resistance is futile.