HowTo:Stop
“STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!!”
“...Hammer- Oh... forget it...”
How to stop. An ongoing focus of behavorial research, there is currently no known method for "stopping" or, in the argot of professional parapsychology, "reaching terminus ex extremis." Perhaps the practitioners of IslamoChristian Schematology say it best: "Within the realm of radical transvaluation of mundane schemata and the shepherding of pebble godlets in parks and parking lots, cessation is more dream than dream coefficient."
Early Experiment[edit | edit source]
Nevertheless, notable forays, both practical and theoretical, have shed light on the dynamics of stasis. Ira Einhorn, protege of the theoretical physicist Morse Peckham, tried stuffing his girlfriend into a shipping trunk. This experiment, which Peckham termed "startling," did not result in genuine stoppage. As Einhorn quipped later, "She f-ed me over more in that trunk than she ever did out of it."
Underpinnings[edit | edit source]
A flurry of excitement in the 1990's revolved about the contemporaneous discovery by several leading music therapists of the dotted rest. A rest of some denomination would be augmented by a dot, which extended the denoted rest length by half again. As one music therapist explained, "The rest is like a 'time out,' and the dot says 'don't come'." It was thought that multiple dots could achieve a full stop until a deflating article in the Journal of Music Therapy demonstrated that even unlimited dots could not extend a pause by more than double the original length, or as zoologist Richard Dawkins, an acerbic critic of music therapy, put it, "...not much longer than it takes a chimpanzee to scratch his behind."
Fieldwork[edit | edit source]
In 2002 the American chess grandmaster Sam Sloan visited former chess world champion Bobby Fischer in Osaka, Japan, hoping to learn more about Fischer's apparent abandonment of the game that had earlier been his obsession. Unfortunately, Fischer kept his secret, plying Sloan instead with geisha and sumo, the latter art being one in which it is rumored that Fischer himself has become an adept.
Your Mom[edit | edit source]
Yes, that's right. Your mom has just as much to do with stopping as anyone else does. Surely you've noticed she is always the one telling you, "Stop jumping on the couch!" or "Stop jumping on the dog!" This is not without good reason behind it. Normally, when we do not stop doing something, we tend to keep doing it until we either die of exhaustion, or laugh hysterically and then die of exhaustion. Your mom helps you overcome this problem, and will continue to help you until she figures it's a hell of a lot easier to kill you with one of those airline rolls.
Moms have been telling their kids to stop, all the way from the prehistoric days of "Ooog aga waga tar ben kreegah!" until the more modern and efficient technique of saying things like "Stop that or I'll shoot!" No doubt moms of the future will continue to improve our society by lending similarly helpful advice to our youth.