HowTo:Ski like a Badass

That might have been the best S-turn I've ever seen. You're already looking like a pro!

I may be a dude, but you can call me Wedge Christie, because my dad was really bad at skiing.

So, let me get this straight. Your so-called "friends" just took you down a long, winding road through the mountains, making you want to puke with every turn. The icy roads, big chunks falling off of... everything, extreme fog, and crackhead drivers don't help. So you pull up to a rickety wooden building that looks just like the hotel from The Shining. It may not make your dad go berserk, but there's way, way, scarier shit out there than that. Like trying to walk up stairs with those clunky boots. Or the likelihood of getting domino'd by three snowboarders at once (Those guys might just be blind.) Or worst of all, your friends making fun of you for being a chump.

Now don't panic- actually do panic, because the ultimate survival guide is here!

Basic Techniques

If you hear a loud clicking sound when attaching your skis to your boots, it will be almost impossible to remove your skis afterwards. Thus, it's advised to ski in the above manner. (Note the forward-pointing poles, those are important for stabbing people who get in your way.)

Just keep looking at that mountain in the distance, that way you won't fall over. Just don't imagine what it's be like to ski down it!

Alright. Don't wanna be getting shinbangs in the bunny slopes? Now you can start a yard sale in my powder jibs in the hard-packed herringbone. I'd advise you pivot turn into a spruce trap with the wasted swingweight and the ski-waxed snowcat. Get all that? Cool, now to the basics.

The "Pizza"

A simple yet effective maneuver- just arrange your skis into a V-shape. Wanna slow down? Pizza. Wanna turn? Pizza. About to fall off a cliff? You guessed it, pizza. Actually falling off the cliff? Yeah, that's right, pizza.

Parallel Skiing

Yeah, remember how I just taught you how to "pizza"? Well, forget all that. Time for something that's harder, scarier and less reliable. Why? Because fuck you.

So what's next to make my life harder, you might ask. Skiing without skis? Skiing upside down?

Well, you got one of those right.

Antarctic Parallel Skiing

Same as the parallel skiing, only upside down due to having been invented un the southern hemisphere. It may seem impractical, but sliding around on your head makes it easier to quickly turn, pivot and freeze to death (an important emergency maneuver.) It also puts your brain in closer contact with the snow; thus allowing you to think like a real skier, as well as incrase your lifespan in a similar fashion to cryogenics. So effective that it's banned at the Olympics; that's why nobody does it there.

E = MSki²

Simple and easy. Simply convert the mass of yourself (carb-load for extra mass), combined with that of your skis, into pure energy, allowing you to zip around the planet at light-speed.

And wait, I forgot to teach you how to get off the lifts, or even how to start moving! Aww, screw it. Just pizza.

Pole Fencing

No, it's not just running into poles and fences, although that is a crucial skiing technique that even three-year olds excel at.

Your ski poles are mighty swords. In fact, they get stuck in the ground just like Excalibur itself! Solve any and all conflicts with people, or things, or crappy snow, with a simple decapitation.

The Bench Swoop

"Forget" to pull the safety harness on a lift bench down, then watch the kids fall off. It'll be just like those vertical roller coasters. Best done when there's barely any snow below.

Common Obstacles

• Overpriced snacks, tickets, gear, overpriced everything, really.
• The lines at the lifts.
• That black diamond run at the summit. While you're too afraid to ski it, it can still fuck you up simply by staring down at you.
• Those brand new RFID gates at the lifts. They'll take thirty seconds to scan your card, thus making you a potential obstacle as well.
• Your so-called "friend" who's ready to drag you up a double black at 7AM, even though you only started skiing an hour prior. He should count his blessings should you talk to him ever again.
• Human dominos. Commonly found at crowded resorts.
• Your overconfident friends.
• Your underconfident guts.

Snow Types, and How to Deal with Them

There's always either way too much snow...

...or practically nothing at all. Nothing in between.

The Only Real Kind of Snow

In the morning, it's completely solid ice- not only is it nigh impossible to slow down on it, but it will also ruin your knees within minutes.

Later in the day, this turns to slush. Ice in mostly liquid water sunk the Titanic, so imagine running into millions of mini-icebergs a second? Sounds fun, doesn't it?

You'd better get used to this kind of snow, because it's unavoidable. Even if you don't ski.

Crud

You don't like the snow conditions? Just call it crud, and even the pros will pity you.

Crust

Imagine skiing on a thin, even layer of graham crackers that are piled on top of crushed styrofoam. One of God's most evil inventions. Luckily, you'll never see it, because there's never enough snow for a crust to form.

Then there's that brand new snow that holds your weight but allows you to slice through it without even trying. No dirt, because it's freshly fallen. Just like those YouTubers ski in.

Fit In with the Crowd!

For advice on how to embrace the aesthetics of this least extreme of extreme sports, I've called in a bunch of fifty-year-old ski dads- arguably the best guys for the job.

• Stand around kids and try your best to look like a parent, not a pedophile.
• To make yourself look hardcore, take a lift to the top of a double black diamond, take your skis off, then crawl through the trees down to the base (when you get there, put your skis back on, of course.) Always get a picture of the top of the run, so your friends and the Internet you really skied down it.
• Go around calling strangers posers. Swap your rental skis for a bashed-up snowboard and your puffy jacket for a black hoodie for extra authenticity... and intimidation.
• Don't actually ski, just put on weight overloading on snacks in the lounge. If someone gets concerned, tell them one of the following:
  • You're sick.
  • You've gone frostblind. (Look away from the TV when you say this.)
  • The snow's too sparse/too thick/too cruddy/too hard/too powdery/too icy/too snowy.
  • You've skied enough (Perhaps even not skiing at all is still too much skiing!)
  • The snowboarders are being dickheads again. (Few skiers realize that snowboarders aren't actually dickheads; they're just klutzes.)
• Make up some fish stories! Fat chance that you'll ever have kids, but if by any chance you do, you can tell them about that time you surfed on an avalanche or killed the Yeti from the inside by stabbing its heart with a ski pole. Alternatively, use these stories to scare the kids you meet on the slopes. Just remember to remember to remember the golden rule: as long as you keep a straight face, children will believe anything.

And finally, the most important part... actually making yourself look badass!

If you really wanna be a professional (and thus have the money to ski regularly), you've gotta look epic. All skiers, even the pros, look like total retards on the slopes in real life, so it's all about the camera angles, the filming speed, and the lighting.

Tricks

• Put a camera on the ground, then film yourself turning normally in thick powder, kicking up snow as you go. Make sure to put it in slow motion, otherwise you'll look like an idiot.
• Tape yourself going over a really big jump, again in slow motion. Make sure the camera's positioned in front of you, not behind, unless you have a really big ass. If you fall over when you hit the ground, simply cut it out of the video.
• Take a photo of yourself waving in front of a sign for a double black diamond. Nobody on Facebook/Instagram/whatever will ever suspect that you didn't actually ski down it. Not in a million years.
• Get as many skiing-related bumper stickers as you can. If even a single square inch of your car isn't covered with stickers, you've failed. That's the skiing equivalent of running around naked.

See also

• A far superior article.