HowTo:Play the Guitar

Today, I'm going to teach you to play an instrument so advanced, so difficult, so incredibly hard, that it makes even musical greats like Jimi Hendrix and Eddie Van Halen drop to their knees and beg for mercy. However, it just so happens that I am a master of this instrument, and I will be passing my knowledge onto you. Be grateful.

But what is this instrument, you ask? Well, what instrument do you think it is? The triangle? The drums? While these instruments sure are difficult to play, they pale in comparison to the amount of skill it takes to play... the guitar.

What is the guitar? To be honest, I don't even know either, and I'm the best guitar player of all time. From what I've gathered, the guitar is a WMD created 3,000 years ago by a wizard who wished to punish humanity for it's... whatever it did. Shut up, I don't have a time machine, I can't go see what happened. Anyway, the point is, the guitar is probably evil and was created just to piss off people with small fingers and/or a bad memory.

Step 1: Learning your first song

The first song most guitar players will learn is Through The Fire And The Flames, by Dragonforce. This is a great first choice because of how ridiculously easy it is to play. I can't even begin to stress how fucking easy it is to play. It's so easy to play, I'm not even gonna teach you how to play it, it's that easy. Just listen to it and learn by ear. That's what I did anyway.

Step 2: Smoke on the Water

Smoke on the Water is the Devil and probably one of the hardest songs on guitar, but I'm going to explain how to play it anyway because this is my article, and I can do what I want on my article. Basically, to play this song, you first need to strum the E string (the lowest string, but also the highest string, if you know what I mean). Winded? Yeah, I was as well when I did it for the first time. Now, without breaking your fingers, you need to put your middle finger over the 3rd fret of the E string (tab kinda thing, idk how to explain it), then strum again. Still alive? Ok, good, now you need to put your middle finger up to the 5th fret, and strum again. Congratulations, you've just played the opening to Smoke on the Water. This is as easy as the insanely difficult gets, it just keeps getting worse. I'm not gonna teach you the rest of the song because I'm lazy and I don't care.

Step 3: Learning chords

Chords are fundamental to gitting gud at guitar. Am I going to explain how to play them? No. I'm too busy and have more important things to do. Really all you need to do is put random fingers on several random frets, strum, and find something that works. That's what I did anyway, and I'm the best guitar player of all time.

Step 4: Great learning tools

• Guitar Hero

• Rock Band

• YouTube

• An actual guitar

• Me as your guitar teacher (as evidenced in this article, I am an excellent guitar teacher)

Step 5: Now what?

Fiddle around with the strings until you find something that somewhat works.