HowTo:Open Things

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Since the dawn of time, man has created great things. And since man had created things, he needed a place to store them. And so man invented the box. And from the box came many new and unique ways of storing the treasures of creation, from chests to safes to bookcases. But sometimes, you may not be able to open the aforementioned container, and so are unable to acess the wonders within its walls. With the help of this guide, you will be able to open almost any container with ease, and then run off with whatever it contains.

How to open doors[edit | edit source]

The most common thing that needs to be opened is a door. Doors can be found anywhere that there are buildings, and knowing how to open them is one of the most important skills a person can learn.

You will need[edit | edit source]

  • Reading skills
  • A hand

Procedure[edit | edit source]

Step 1: Using the aforementioned reading skills, check to see if the door has the words "push" or "pull" on it. If the door says "pull", proceed to step 2a. If the door says "push", proceed to step 2b.

Step 2a: Grasp the handle firmly, and then pull the door back. It should open. Congratulations!!

Step 2b: Grasp the handle firmly, then push the dooor inwards. It should open. Hooray!!

How to open cardboard boxes[edit | edit source]

The most common container that is used in these modern times is the cardboard box. Although they are weak, these boxes can contain anything that you can imagine.

You will need[edit | edit source]

  • A foot.

Procedures[edit | edit source]

Step 1: Kick the box until it falls apart. Success!

How to open wooden containers[edit | edit source]

Another common container is the wooden container. Ranging from the simple box to the simple chest, these containers can contain many wonderful treasures.

You will need[edit | edit source]

  • A crowbar
  • A wall

Procedure[edit | edit source]

Step 1: Push the container so that one side is against a wall. It is best if you place it in a corner so that it has two sides against a wall.

Step 2: Wedge the crowbar as tightly as possible into any space between two boards.

Step 3: Push down on the crowbar until the box either pops open, or gets ripped apart from thhe force.

Repeat steps 2 and 3 until you can reach into the box and take whatever you want.

How to open metal containers[edit | edit source]

Although slightly less common than wooden containers, metal containers are significantly stronger, and can't just be levered open. Opening these requires something a bit more powerful.

You will need[edit | edit source]

  • An industrial diamond coated saw
  • Eye protection
  • Ear protection

Procedure[edit | edit source]

Step 1: Put on your eye and ear protection. It is very hard to perform this task while your ears or eyes are in excruciating pain.

Step 2: Cut a hole in the safe with the saw.

Step 3: Reach into the hole and take the loot.

How to open people[edit | edit source]

Sometime, you might find that what you need is inside the chest of another person. Although it seems like it might be complicated, it is actually quite easy to remove objects from people. Only use this method if you are low on time, because it can have complications. If the person has eaten the object you need, it might just be better to wait .

You will need[edit | edit source]

  • A silenced gun
  • A scalpel or medical scissors
  • A hammer
  • Lots of canvas
  • Medical gloves
  • Gasoline
  • Matches
  • Bleach
  • Stamps
  • A small, airtight metal box

Procedure[edit | edit source]

Step 1: Lure the person that you need to open to a quiet, secluded place, such as a forest or a basement.

Step 2: Kill them quickly by shooting them in the face. Make sure that they die quickly and quietly. (If anyone comes in and sees this, you will have to kill them too, so make sure that you have enough bullets)

Step 3: Lay the body on the canvas as quickly as possible in any way that creates the smallest mess possible.

Step 4: Put on the medical gloves, and make an incision from the collarbone down to the groin. Peel the skin back so you can see the ribs.

Step 5: Smash the ribs with the hammer.

Step 6: Cut open every organ that could be containing the object that you are seaching for. Be thourough!

Step 7: Once you have located the object, wrap the body in the canvas and carry it into a place where there is no risk of a fire getting out of hand. You don't want to get in trouble!

Step 8: Douse the body with gasoline and burn it. Scoop up the ashes and put them in the box.

Step 9: Submerge the box in bleach to remove any stains.

Step 10: Mail the box to some foreign country.


CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU CAN OPEN STUFF!!!